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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Has anyone else lost both parents?

61 replies

ssd · 19/12/2015 22:54

just wondering if anyone feels like me

I was utterly heart broken when my dad died, years and years ago, ds was a baby and mum was devastated so I had to help her. But I still had her, had the family home, had the place I grew up in with her in it. Life continued, with a big dad shaped hole in it.

But since mum died, its all gone, there's nothing left. And the world has changed and never gone back to how it was. Mum died years ago but the world is still turning in the opposite direction it did when she was here.

I'm not asking if this is normal, I don't know what I'm asking. I just find it hard to connect if that's the word, with people who have only lost one parent. I want to scream but you still have your mum or dad left, its not the same, its not the same.

don't know what I'm trying to say.

OP posts:

Report

OTiTO · 20/12/2015 00:05

I'm so sorry that you have lost both your parents. I can't think of a single helpful thing to say, I can't even say that I understand as my parents are alive. I do understand the love you can have for your parents though. My parents are far from perfect (who isn't?) but they are my parents.

I guess Xmas makes you feel extra sad.

I just can't imagine a world without my mum. .

Anyway, sorry I can't be helpful but I didn't want to read and run.

BackforGood · 20/12/2015 00:11

I lost both my parents when my youngest was a baby.

I think the best thing I heard, that really resounded with me, was a lady who attended a bereavement group with me, who came one week to say goodbye. She said, an enormous penny had dropped - she now realised that her world was never going to be the same again, but that it was OK to start living your life a bit in the new world, and that your parents would want to see you carrying on, and also enjoying things in life. She said that, now she had stopped trying to get back to the "old normal", that the "new normal" wasn't anywhere near as bad as she'd dreaded, and her life was starting to get back on track, but she'd had to stop trying to get life back to what it used to be like, as it was never going to be like that again.

roaringfire · 20/12/2015 00:16

Yes, both within six months of eachother.
You never get over it, but you learn to live with it.
I felt rootless and rudderless for a long time.
Since then though, I've had children of my own. I owe it to them and my parents to be the happiest I can be, even when feeling sad, if that makes sense.
I can still bawl my eyes out at the oddest moments.
When people moan about their parents, silly stuff, I say please just not to me.

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff · 20/12/2015 00:16

I lost both of my parents in my twenties. It is hard when it happens and for some time afterwards of course.

Christmas can be a little unsettling for me and open up old wounds. Do you think this could be contributing to how you feel at the moment ssd?

MabelSideswipe · 20/12/2015 00:17

I have. My DM died 11 years ago when my first child was a baby. My DF died 5 years later very suddenly. I went through a very difficult phase when I could not quite get my head around it but it helped that I am now very close to my sister and we could talk about it and understood what we were both feeling. I try not to tell people about my parents as I find it makes a lot of people uncomfortable...perhaps because my peers are now at an age when they too are contemplating the deaths of their own parents.

The other side of it is that it has made me very aware of my own mortality and I have to fight against health anxiety and a certain fatalistic attitude towards life.

I am certainly not struggling as you seem to be though. Have you thought about counselling?

Katarzyna79 · 20/12/2015 00:34

I lost my mother 5 years ago and didn't make it back to see her alive she was on a machine they were just waiting for me to get there before it was switched off. My life has not been normal since her death. I have my father but my dad was long gone even though he is alive. He gave up on life as soon as he learned what illness she had, I think he had a breakdown, and after that he became housebound.

He stayed with my mother became her assistant in the kitchen, did everything in the home with her. When she died he lost his purpose, all he says is he wants to die. Since moving with me hes more upbeat but he cant be a father to me he's lost the ability.

Even if my father was a regular dad it would make little difference, since mum died the dynamics changed. I hate visiting the family house, its empty now and I am fighting to get it sold, but my sister wants to hold on to it and has all the siblings on her side. Everytime I sit in the living room I just expect her to walk through the kitchen door saying "is that you Kat I've made such and such for you" cooking was her passion. So I think it would be healthy to move on and the house prevents me, I refuse to visit it now.

I think you maybe have resentment anger at life and the cards its dealt you hence you think its unfair some folks have one parent you lost both. I know I feel like this about people who have both parents, and especially those I know who mistreat their parents yet have wonderfully generous loving ones. I know it's irrational so I reign it in. Time is an amazing thing it really does make things easier. I don't have the same intensity of anger anymore, I just think these people are so lucky to have their parents and look so happy together and that is their destiny, and this is mine.

Life does get better with time even though it may not seem so now, you just have to create a new life and new beginning otherwise you will never move forward or be content.

My thoughts and prayers are with you grieving is such a lonely time and it never does end.

augustusglupe · 20/12/2015 00:55

OP I too lost my dad when my DD was a baby, I was 25, mum fell apart and my life turned upside down. Mum died 15 years ago, I was 36.
All I can say is, I understand totally everything you say. I suffered depression and anxiety for many years on and off after dad died. I still suffer with anxiety, always worse in times of stress.
My brother died 3 years ago.
All 3 meant the world to me and I can easily sob my heart out when I think how much they meant to me, how much wisdom they had and what fantastic people they were. I had such a charmed childhood. I was the youngest of 4. My big brother was everything to me growing up and my parents were so full of life I never dreamed I'd lose them so soon.
I try and enjoy my life now, for me and for my husband and daughter.
But there's definately a deep rooted sadness inside me that I think I'll always have. I just find it slightly easier to deal with as the years pass.

ssd · 20/12/2015 11:47

thank you so much everyone, every single message resonates with me and is spot on. I know whats made it a million times harder for me is I have siblings much older than I and living in another country and mums death hardly touched them. I understand that, they weren't close, but after mum died they have forgotten me and I've realised I lost more than just mum when she died. I lost the idea I had siblings who cared for me like I cared for them. I am coming to terms with this but its hard to deal with, I know the only thing that'll help is time and distance. They have no idea of how I feel and brush me aside when I try to explain. Its just not important to them. I have a great dh and great dc's, but the loss of my mum and my siblings reaction cuts me really deep.

OP posts:

Perniciousness · 20/12/2015 12:49

ssd · 20/12/2015 13:57

thank you.

OP posts:

augustusglupe · 20/12/2015 13:58

Your welcome OP, your not alone!!

EnlightenedOwl · 20/12/2015 14:02

me unfortunately it was not very long ago and both within six months of each other. Plodding on but Christmas is always a bad time

doitanyways · 20/12/2015 14:03

Yes, me, and it is hard.

I have friends my age with grandparents still alive and so I do feel lonely sometimes.

Varya · 20/12/2015 14:04

Yes they died within six months of each other, leaving a huge 'hole'.

BackforGood · 20/12/2015 14:05

Oh, Enlightened - that's so tough. thinking of you

Lauresbadhairday · 20/12/2015 19:05

Yes. My dad died 4 years ago just before Christmas. He had been ill for many years so in some ways his death was expected although this did not make it any easier. Then just as my mum was getting her life back having spent years caring for my dad she was diagnosed with cancer and died in Sept this year. I feel totally bereft and feel so angry that she has also been taken from me. I realise it is still early days and it will get easier but I don't know anyone in rl who has lost both parents and feel so alone.

for everyone facing Christmas without our parents.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 20/12/2015 19:07

Mum died when I was 22. Dad died this year. Mum never saw my kids. Christmas is no harder. Every day is hard. It will be weird without dad this first year though.

Crikeyblimey · 20/12/2015 19:21

My dad died when I was only 14 and my mum died 3 years ago. I miss her lots but especially at this time of year. She was 83 when she died but I was 'only' 46. I too have friends who still have grandparents and that can upset me sometimes.

I had grown up without dad (even though I obviously missed him, it was 'normal' to me to be without him). However when mum died, I felt completely at sea. I have 4 older siblings but even so, I felt so alone.

Slowly over the last few years I have come to realise that my safe harbour is my own dh and ds and I am grateful for them.

It can still be tricky but mostly ok. After all, this is how it is and I may as well get on with it.

Bakeoffcake · 20/12/2015 19:29

Yes I've lost both of mine, within a year of each other. They were relatively young at 63 and 60.

I was devastated when my dad died as he brought me up, along with my stepmum. My "real" mum left when I was three and I never had a close relationship with her, despite seeing her often. When she died it brought up so much anger about the way she behaved and the fact she never explained why she took my little sister but not me. It's affected me very much, and the fact I feel nothing but anger towards her makes me even more angry!

Sorry for the rant, for everyone here.

Savagebeauty · 20/12/2015 19:32

Yes..my Mum died 33 years ago when I was 22 and my dad 14 years ago
I can't remember my mum tbh....I was a lot closer to my dad and felt his death a lot more. I don't think about him much now ....I don't feel sad or bereft any more as he was 81 and died thankfully without sliding into Dementia. It took about 5 years to visit his grave without sobbing.....I only went once a year.

uhtceare · 20/12/2015 22:05

My mum died when I was 30 and my dad died when I was 40, both very unexpectedly. I am now 51. My only remaining relative of that generation is my aunt, my mum's sister. She is now in a care home and is physically very frail and her personality is rapidly disappearing to dementia.

Despite the shock and sadness of both my parents' deaths. over the last few years I have realised that in a way I was lucky that I never had to watch them slowly deteriorate and lose their independence. My memories of them are nearly all happy ones. For several years I felt quite lost, as though I had lost my anchor, and like many others I found it very hard that most people I knew still had both their parents. But now many of those people are having to deal with frail elderly parents and I realise that no one ultimately escapes the sadness of losing their parents.

inlectorecumbit · 21/12/2015 13:19

OP you have started a thread which l was going to start.
My dad died 15 years ago last week-l was a real daddy's girl and still miss and grieve for him. My mum died 2 weeks ago and l am lost. totally lost and feel so alone. I have a wonderful DH and 3 DC's but my sister and l are not close so l feel like l have no other family left. Perhaps it's the time of year and the suddeness and unexpected death of mum bit l cry constantly, can't sleep without medication.
I know it will get better, life goes on etc but how do l fill such a huge gap in my life, l miss them so much

Goingtobeawesome · 21/12/2015 13:22

I'm so sorry for everyone who has lost a parent.

I'll never go through that as I never had parents as they abandoned me and no one took on the role. I can only imagine as I feel the loss every day even though I never had them to lose. There's no rate card. It's all awful.

ssd · 21/12/2015 20:21

going, thats so sad, I'm sorry

and inlectorecumbit, and all of you here, for you too

it is just such a never ending void, isn't it, I wonder if it ever goes, the utter loss of our "old" family.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 21/12/2015 20:30

Ssd, I'm embarrassed typing this but I feel like I'd like to invite you to be part of my family. Embarrassed as I know it's ridiculous.

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