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I feel nothing

(18 Posts)
Ludoole Wed 16-Dec-15 23:05:11

The funeral was yesterday. I cried all through the service. Even had a few laughs with his friends at his wake. Today i feel nothing...
I feel weighted down but i have no emotions at alĺ. Im doing the everyday things that need to be done. Im working my way through the whole mess of paperwork that needs sorting but i feel nothing.
How can that be??
I love him. He's my soulmate. My best friend. My husband. My everything. How can i feel nothing?
I nursed him for 16 months. I was there when he took his last breath. How can i feel nothing???

mineofuselessinformation Wed 16-Dec-15 23:08:31

You will feel it, when you're ready to.
Don't be surprised by the weight and the enormity of it. Your world has changed.
Anything and everything you feel is entirely normal, so go with it where you can.
Sympathies to you.

sooperdooper Wed 16-Dec-15 23:11:13

Sometimes I think it's too big to feel and you block it out, on the day of my mums funeral I felt in s bubble and that it was all happening around me but I wa disconnected - I think how you're feeling is normal, I think it's your bodies way of self preservation

I'm sorry for you loss x

CalmYoBadSelf Wed 16-Dec-15 23:11:43

It is normal to feel nothing at times of great grief, all part of the normal process and maybe even an innate survival mechanism. Just keep doing whatever you need to do and look after yourself

Sympathies for your loss

TheoriginalLEM Wed 16-Dec-15 23:15:09

its a protective reaction. just be - it will come flowers

sugar21 Wed 16-Dec-15 23:15:31

Oh Ludoole It's not unusual not to feel anything while all the necessary things have to be done. You are in limbo.
You will feel every emotion there is in the coming weeks.
When my dd died I cried at her death but next day I dunno sort of empty but really guilty.

Be kind to yourself the grief will come
Bless you flowers

MummyBex1985 Wed 16-Dec-15 23:20:54

Ludoole, believe me, you don't feel nothing. It's your defence mechanism kicking in. It will come back in time. You go into auto pilot - it's self preservation.

Don't feel any guilt. It comes and goes. Going through it myself.

Sending you some love and support flowers

Woopsiedaisy Wed 16-Dec-15 23:23:16

That is totally normal Ludoole

You are in shock. You have dragged yourself through the funeral because you have had too and now have started the 'drift'.

I drifted for weeks after my H's funeral, barely able to comprehend what had happened to him and to us. Gradually though you will start to feel your grief and begin the journey of coming to terms with your new reality.

After the drift I cried for weeks, months, years. Masses at first when the pain was more intense and then more gently as time passed. Even today nine years later, I can be moved to tears by a memory, a song, or even a smell.

Someone told me very early on my journey that I needed to be kind to myself and it is important to remember that. Don't worry about what you should or shouldn't be feeling and don't let other people try and control your journey. Do the things you are capable of, give yourself time alone when you need it, take care of yourself physically and ask for help if you are struggling !!

GiddyOnZackHunt Wed 16-Dec-15 23:24:25

You know how you can't look at the sun because it's too bright? You know it's there. You're aware of it. But look at it? No. A cloudy day will be when you can look at it.
It's big. Too big for easy tears. flowers

Ludoole Wed 16-Dec-15 23:25:14

Thank you for understanding and telling me its normal. I feel abnormal.
I want to feel something. Anything. Even pain or anger would feel better than nothing. Although when if that hits i guess i will be wishing for nothing...

MaryPoppinsPenguins Wed 16-Dec-15 23:25:56

I think you will feel it when you let yourself, it's like being in shock. My best friend lost her mum recently and for a few weeks she was trying to carry on with normal life, then the time came where she just fell apart... But I think it helped her, because she just kept saying 'why aren't I crying?'

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

IamtheZombie Wed 16-Dec-15 23:27:46

Zombie calls this The Abyss.

You function day to day because you have no choice. But colours aren't as vivid as they were before. Food tastes of nothing really but you chew and swallow anyway.

When you are ready, you will emerge. When you are ready. Ready can't be rushed.


KittyOShea Fri 18-Dec-15 16:53:16

I am so sorry for your loss.

The numbness is normal. It's your brains way of coping I think. My dad passed away 3 months ago. I didn't cry from the day he dies until a month later when it all spilled out. 3 months later I'm still numb most of the time but it hits a wave of grief every so often. It will hit when you're ready.

To lose your DH must be so hard. Be kind to yourself and your boys. flowers

pinktransit Fri 18-Dec-15 17:22:58

It takes time. I can't tell you how much time, but for me it was longer than expected. We didn't have the funeral for almost 2 weeks, and then I came home a few days afterwards. I was still numb after 3 weeks I think, although a lot of that time is a bit of a blur.
Then I cried over everything. And nothing.
There is a description of grief here that pretty much describes how I felt when it did hit.
It was hard, there's no denying it, and it's going to be hard for you too. But, it is getting easier on a day to day basis. I still have days that aren't good, and nights can be hard, but I am functioning day to day now.
Waves are about 80 feet high and not so overwhelming as they were.
I know it doesn't help you now, but I do want to tell you that it does get a bit easier.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 30-Dec-15 15:37:26

Trust me you do feel it. Albeit subconsciously. The mind although not tangible is probably the most powerful part of us and can protect us from lots of things and emotions that it doesn't think we're ready to feel. I think sometimes with grief your mind just makes you numb as a way of survival because if you could actually feel the pain you're In at the moment it could actually destroy you. However in time when your mind knows you're ready. Could be days, weeks months but you will start to feel it and please don't be afraid of it. Go with it cry shout scream, and remember, we're always here for you.

Phoenix69 Thu 14-Jan-16 21:39:46

I found the following useful after my wife died. Within 6 months I went through the stages to Acceptance. and then for a year or so backwards and forwards between anger and acceptance stages. Now after over 3 years I have been at the acceptance stage for over a year and can now look forward to a new future. There is nothing abnormal about your feelings. Its part of the grieving process.

The following are the stages of grief:

• Denial, numbness, and shock: This stage serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss. It may be useful when the grieving person must take action (for example, making funeral arrangements). Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with "lack of caring." As the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of the loss, denial and disbelief will diminish.

• Bargaining: This stage may involve persistent thoughts about what could have been done to prevent the loss. People can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better. If this stage is not properly resolved, intense feelings of remorse or guilt may interfere with the healing process.

• Depression: This stage of grief occurs in some people after they realize the true extent of the loss. Signs of depression may include sleep and appetite disturbances, a lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells. A person may feel loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity.

• Anger: This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless. Anger can stem from a feeling of abandonment through a loved one's death. An individual may be angry at a higher power or toward life in general.

• Acceptance: In time, an individual may be able to come to terms with various feelings and accept the fact that the loss has occurred. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into the individual's set of life experiences.

Remember, throughout a person's lifetime, he or she may return to some of the earlier stages of grief. There is no time limit to the grieving process.

Mabel80 Mon 18-Jan-16 19:54:14

I had days of 'nothing' .. I wish now I had rested in them rather than fretted about them. The bad days come around again soon enough. I think the body and mind try to protect you - I have felt like my mother's death has been drip fed to my conscious brain to stop me going insane with it. Its affected me very badly even with my 'normal days'. Hugs x

minmooch Mon 18-Jan-16 20:05:36

Funerals are a strange thing altogether. At the wake after my son's funeral I felt most bizarre - talking to lots of people. They were crying and I was comforting them. I went out for dinner two days after my son died and ate lobster because that had been his wish. He had never tried it and wanted us all to go out and order lobster. I think I was I shock for a very long time and still am to a certain extent even 23 months later. When the tears come it is overwhelming and exhausting. I think the numbness is the body's way of protection - you could not function at that level all the time. All you need to do just for now is exist because that is enough.

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