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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

I want to be alone at christmas

21 replies

Ludoole · 13/12/2015 21:15

My husbands funeral is on Tuesday. 10 days before Christmas...
I dont want to celebrate it. I dont want to see anyone. I just want to be on my own.
I have put a 'front' on for my family and friends since he died 11 days ago, and its getting harder to keep it up.
My eldest son, 15, is happy to go to his biological fathers house for Christmas but my 12 yo wants to stay with me.
I want him to have a good Christmas and i think he would with his dad and brother but he is refusing to go.
If he stays home i wont be able to let my barrier down. I want to spend the day listening to my husbands voice on the cds he made me and hopefully it will release the big rock that i feel is sitting on my chest.
I suppose im being completely selfish but i havent had time to let anything out since he died, and im so close to imploding.

OP posts:

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DancingDuck · 13/12/2015 23:11

So sorry you are bereaved. Who is your 12 yr old's dad? Is it your husband? if so it's understandable he wants to be with his one remaining parent at Christmas. But if his biological dad is alive, I'd encourage him (the dad) to persuade his son to come over, while you reassure him you are absolutely fine and really need a very quiet time this year. If he can be persuaded that you don't want to celebrate Christmas because of what's happened, but you want him to be able to, then that could work out best for both of you.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 13/12/2015 23:19

Ludoole, I am so sorry for your loss. You will all just be muddling through this time and Christmas may or may not feel like just another bloody awful day for one or all of you. Your mind might also change in the next few days. I say this because I have been where you are. DH died 2.5 years ago when my boys were 3 and 5. I have muddled through that first Christmas, got through last year and this year I am actively looking forward to it once more. I say this in the hope that it will give you hope. It is bloody awful and nothing I say can change that for you, but one day you will start to feel brighter again, no matter how unlikely that feels right now.

Keep talking to your DCs and see if you can come to a resolution that will work for all of you. Maybe your 12 year old could go for a few hours?

In the meantime, keep coming back here and if you haven't already found it, do Google 'Widowed and Young' (WAY) if you are under 52. I hope the charity will be the lifeline for you that it has been for us. There is a group called WAY Up for people widowed after that age too. In both places, we all just get it. Sending much love and most unmumsnetty hugs.

Ludoole · 13/12/2015 23:28

Dancing My youngest wasnt my husbands biological child.
Survival I will look for 'Widowed and Young' thank you. Im 39.
I think it would be a good compromise if he went for a few hours, convincing him to go will be difficult i fear...

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DancingDuck · 13/12/2015 23:30

Ludoole he may be worried about you and not want to leave you alone at Christmas. If you can convince him you are fine and that's what you want, he may feel better about going with his brother.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 13/12/2015 23:35

I am 39 now too.

I agree that he won't want you to be on your own, but hopefully you can reach a compromise. You could tell him that you want to go for a walk on your own while he is out, or just that you do need time to grieve and let the sadness in for a bit.

pinktransit · 13/12/2015 23:36

Oh love :-(
This is such a shit time of year sometimes.
I'd love to just be on my own this year, but my girls won't let me be either. I'm a bit further down this path than you are, at just over 12 weeks, and I promise you it is easier now (on most days).
How about a compromise?
You do the day with your sons on Christmas day, as that's what your they want, but you take Boxing day for you. Have that day for the cds and the tears that you hope will come. It's so not selfish, it's what you need.
That big rock will dissolve soon I think. Not long after DP died I read some of the bereavement threads that asked 'when will I stop crying' - at 11 days I was wondering when I would start crying. I had some moments with tears, but not the overwhelming tears that others talked about. I think it was about 3 weeks or so afterwards and something unexpected hit me hard - and then I cried. And cried.
Holding your hand while we both muddle through xx

DancingDuck · 13/12/2015 23:40

pinktransit what a lovely post. So sorry you have lost your DP.

Ludoole · 14/12/2015 00:14

Pink So sorry you have recently been through this too. I dont have any effort left to give to think about xmas. We havent got a tree up and nothing has been bought.
My husband had metastatic cancer and was less than 6 stone when we died. He was desperately clinging on for xmas and i just want to forget about it for this year.. it was supposed to be our first official xmas as husband and wife. I feel cheated and irrationally angry when i see all the xmas lights and decorations in the shops and i want to rip them down.
I cant believe the world has kept moving on without my husband. I haven't even had his funeral yet... and bloody xmas is forced in my face wherever i look. I know im being irrational...

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ImtheChristmasCarcass · 14/12/2015 00:27

Someone above mentioned that perhaps DS thinks you shouldn't be alone or is worried about you.

Do you think it might help him if you lied arranged for someone to 'come over to be with you'? Someone who would leave once DS goes to his dad's?

Ludoole · 14/12/2015 00:39

The boys went to their dads this weekend so i dont think hes worried about me being alone. We saw my husband in the chapel of rest on saturday morning and he went to his dads that evening.

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ImtheChristmasCarcass · 14/12/2015 16:35

I've never been in your situation so my advice may well be shit. There's nothing inherently wrong with our children seeing us cry or be devastated. Of course I completely respect your right to grieve as you choose. But if he wants to be there, perhaps he's ready to see your grief?

dodododadadada · 15/12/2015 14:37

I'm in a slightly different situation as I'm an only child in my 40s but my mum died last week and I was supposed to be going abroad on holiday for a few days over Christmas. My dad keeps telling me to go and that he'll be ok on his own but I think if i did go I'd just be concerned about whether he's ok and therefore won't be able to enjoy the holiday anyway.

You're some maybe concerned about leaving you on your own at a time when most people are with family and he might also think he won't enjoy the day wondering if you are ok. If you live close enough to Dad, maybe he could split the day between you and his father, then you get some alone time but your DS is less likely to worry that you are ok.

dodododadadada · 15/12/2015 14:38

Your son maybe concerned

pinktransit · 16/12/2015 00:02

I totally get that you don't have the energy to do the tree/presents/big meal thing, that's not what I meant.
I've managed to put some baubles in a glass bowl on the table. That's as Christmassy as my house is going to get.
I meant that if they want to be with you on the day, then they can be, but it'll just be another (fucking difficult) day. You don't have to do anything other than let them unwrap any presents that somebody else has bought them. Then you can pack them off to their dad/relatives for Boxing day and take the time to do what you want to do.

There are no right answers, and no 'right' thing to do. If your youngest wants to be with you on 'the' day then ok - but he will understand that it's not going to be the fun day that it might usually be. Someone else suggested that he spends part of the day with you - that could work? Do breakfast, he can see you, and then go off with his brother and dad, leaving you to do your thing..

I'm so bloody sorry that you didn't get your first official christmas - Pete was supposed to have 6 - 8 months after his diagnosis, and we were supposed to have christmas too. I know he wouldn't have been well, but he was supposed to be alive. I'm struggling with the difference between what was supposed to be, and what actually is. It's just that for me, it's now nearly 13 weeks, and you're still dealing in days. Please, please remember to be kind to yourself, don't expect miracles and to be able to deal with things, because (unless they're very insensitive) nobody is expecting you to decorate a tree, wrap shit, and be able to do anything other than breathe.

pinktransit · 16/12/2015 00:14

I'm sorry - I hope that today went as well as it could have gone. I should have said that before the post above.

Thinking of you xx

toriap2 · 17/12/2015 13:24

I am so so sorry for your loss. I have no words of advice, but am sending you as many hugs and thoughts as I can. My husbands funeral was tuesday and my barrier is cracking also. My DD is 12 and has asked if we can have christmas just the two of us. We have a candle to light and will just spend the day remembering him and being with each other. Xxx

Ludoole · 17/12/2015 14:06

Toriap Im so sorry for your loss and sorry you have to be going through this too.
We share Tuesday in common... My 12yo has been clinging to me since the funeral. Today was his 1st day back at school. Im hoping he has managed ok. He doesnt want christmas this year so we are going to just snuggle up together and see what happens.
Much love and thoughts to you and your DD.
Xxx

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toriap2 · 17/12/2015 17:05

The same to you. If you need a chat at any time over Christmas, or just a rant, you know where I am. Xxx

Ludoole · 17/12/2015 17:20

Toriap Thank you. You know where i am if you need to do the same. Xxx

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toriap2 · 18/12/2015 07:27

Hope your son had as good a day at school as he could. School seemed to help DD but she spent a lot of time in student support. Love to you both xx

sandgrown · 18/12/2015 07:35

Nothing to add .Just thinking of all of you

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