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How can I remember my friend?

(9 Posts)
Mappa Sat 05-Dec-15 22:32:01

Just hoping for a little advice. My best friend was killed suddenly two months ago whilst visiting her family in her native country. I flew out to be with her family for a couple of days. I was shocked when I arrived to learn she had already been cremated the day after she died and would therefore not be present at her funeral. I really didn't feel I said goodbye to her at the funeral as it wasn't very personal at all, and she wasn't there, but accepted things are done differently in different countries. However, we put her ashes into a special place the next day and felt like i had a little closure here as this was very emotional.

Since returning home I have been left confused as I keep having the urge to 'connect' with her which I am finding hard. I am able to visit the graves of others I have lost but am finding it hard not having a place here to 'visit' her. I feel like I might forget her.

I have thought about possibly sending her messages through text or Facebook messager, but feel silly. I just wish I could take some flowers to her. . I also feel like I can't really mention this to anyone as I wouldn't know what to say.

I hope that makes sense and I would so appreciate any ideas or advice anyone has. Thank you.

OVienna Sat 05-Dec-15 22:33:12

I didn't want to not comment on this. Is there s

OVienna Sat 05-Dec-15 22:34:18

Sorry is there something you did together that you could do now to remember her? A place you visited? I am so sorry for your loss.

JasperDamerel Sat 05-Dec-15 22:36:22

Maybe you (or a group of her friends in this country) could arrange a special place dedicated to her memory where you could go. A tree, or a bench, perhaps?

alltheworld Sat 05-Dec-15 22:38:50

My father died abroad and would have been buried the next day except we pressed for them to wait one day until we got there. The burial was in a foreign language and as women we were not allowed to partipate and had to stand way from the coffin.
What has helped was getting a plaque on a bench in a local park. We also hope to have a memorial service in the uk which will be just an informal gathering.
A friend of mine died abroad and donated her body to science which I found upsetting and I also missed the ritual of a funeral service

toadflax Sat 05-Dec-15 22:42:32

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I lost a friend this year and her funeral was very strange. I actually talk to her, in my head or out loud, when I am thinking about her. Also, a group of her friends got together to throw flowers and petals in the river, and talk about her. That helped a little. Hugs xx

BillMurrey Sat 05-Dec-15 22:52:10

So sorry for your loss. flowers

Have a look at Bereavement UK - they have "In Remembrance" boards that you can post on.

Other ideas (Taken from what's your grief website

Look at old photos and home videos. Do this alone and have a good cry or reminisce over photo albums with family and friends.

Turn digital photos into a photo album.

Volunteer with a charity or cause close to her heart.

Plan a memorial service or candle light vigil.

Reach out to someone else who knew her by letter, card, phone call, or e-mail.

Host a dinner party / organize a meal out and invite other people who knew her (even if you didn't really know them).

Light a candle for her.

Visit or spend time in a place where you feel close to her - somewhere you went together.

Take the trip / activity you had been planning together.

Read old notes, letters, or e-mails from your friend.

Watch her favorite movie or listen to music that reminds you of her.

Create a new ritual to celebrate the her life. Choose something that can be repeated in the years to come.

Do something she would have enjoyed.

Make a toast or say a prayer or blessing in her honor.

Plant a tree.

I hope these are a little helpful. I'm not religious at all, but I have found going into a church and lighting candles for family members that have died is a very calming thing to do and gives me a quiet moment to think about and remember them.

Mappa Sat 05-Dec-15 23:03:41

Thank you so much for your replies and for sharing your stories.

Reading through all your ideas has given me comfort and helped me realise that this must be quite a common feeling with grief.

Although I think of her in my head, I feel like some sort of 'action' or time out of my day/week to spend a moment at a dedicated place to her would really help, even if I just plant a special plant in my garden or similar. I think creating a place dedicated to her would help me to not feel guilty in not thinking of her 24/7.

BillMurrey Sat 05-Dec-15 23:17:47

A plant is a lovely idea. We planted a little apple tree in our garden this year to remember someone by.

Maybe get a nice garden chair where you can sit and remember her.

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