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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My husband died yesterday

70 replies

toriap2 · 03/12/2015 03:13

My husband died in his sleep early Monday morning. I have a devastated 12 year old I am trying to be strong for but I just want to hide. Everyone has been so lovely but I just want him back.

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MummaGiles · 03/12/2015 03:15

I'm so sorry to read this. I can't imagine what you and your DC are going through. do you want to talk about anything?

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GozerTheGozerian · 03/12/2015 03:15

I am so sorry Toriap2. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you.

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SpellBookandCandle · 03/12/2015 03:20

I'm so very sorry for you and your child. The grief must be incompressible. I hope you have loving supportive people around you. Xx

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SpellBookandCandle · 03/12/2015 03:21

Sorry for the spelling error, I meant to write, your grief must feel incomprehensible.

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toriap2 · 03/12/2015 03:23

I dontknow what to talk about, I dont even know why I posted, but I cant even think straight. We have to wait for the results of the inquest before we can arrange anything as it was so sudden,

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Sansoora · 03/12/2015 03:23

How absolutely awful for you.

Im so sorry.

xxx

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MummaGiles · 03/12/2015 03:24

I really am so sorry.

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toriap2 · 03/12/2015 03:29

I dont know how to get DD through this. She was so close to him. She is hugging one of his jumpers. She wants to go to school tomorrow but I dont know if she is ready. School gave been lovely and said they will support her as much as they can. Thankyou for all your flowers and kind thoughths. Xx

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SpellBookandCandle · 03/12/2015 03:33

Toria, do you have anyone with you? Someone you trust to assist with questions, concerns or details as they come in? I imagine that I would feel beyond overwhelmed and exhausted at a time like this. I'm also guessing, your child is your absolute priority and attending to his/her needs is taking most of attention right now. I'm so very sorry this has happened to you...

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toriap2 · 03/12/2015 03:37

My mum is here and lots of friends have sent messages and brought food. It just doesnt feel real and I still cant take it in. i keep expecting him to pop through the door. I think it is harder as all rhe christmas presesnts he ordered arrived yesterday.

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Duffelcoat · 03/12/2015 03:44

I'm so so sorry Toria, I can't begin to imagine what you and your twelve year old are going through right now. You must feel so lost and alone. You will find strength I promise. Take all the support that is offered and surround yourself with those that love you. Allow yourself to grieve. Im so sorry my love.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/12/2015 03:47

Very sorry to read this, Toria - talk about whatever you want to, what your husband was like, if you'd like to tell us,
Dreadfully sad to lose him suddenly, and even worse at this time of year - my heart really breaks for you and your DD. , love and strength to you both and the rest of your family and friends. x

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TheExMotherInLaw · 03/12/2015 03:50

My dad died when I was 14. It was a Saturday, and I went to school on the Monday, It was very surreal, but the best place for me to be. There was so much arranging and organising at home. The most important thing for your dd is always to have someone around that she can talk with about her dad. Someone there to support you and her, rather than someone who also needs support. Be honest with her, in an age appropriate way, do not hide anything, including your own grief, when it hits. At present you are still numb. Put the presents out of sight for now.

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YellowBucket · 03/12/2015 03:51

I know it isn't of much use but I just wanted to send my thoughts, and love to you and your daughter. X

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LadyB49 · 03/12/2015 03:57

My heart goes out to you.
I'd let Dd go to school if that's what she wants, meet her friends.
She can leave school and come home at any time she feels it's too much.
The official processes of the next few days will take care of themselves.....hug your dd if she wants hugged and cry together if it helps. Nothing will seem real...And let your emotions flow together if you can.
Don't talk if you can't...use hugs.
Your dm will keep an eye on you both and keep day to day ticking over.
Go to bed and cuddle with dd. xx

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catsrus · 03/12/2015 04:01

So sorry to hear this toriap - I can't imagine how awful this must be for you and your dd. On the school issue I have friends who worked with a charity for bereaved children and they say that school can be a really valuable anchor for children in this situation - their life has just been changed forever - school can be the place where they can just be "normal" for a while, laugh with their friends and moan about a teacher. dd2s best friend's mum died when they were 13 - she went into school the next day and only took the day of the funeral off. It was part of her way of coping.

There is a fabulous charity, working to support children through bereavement, called Winston's wish. www.winstonswish.org.uk

School may also have access to bereavement services for children, this is the charity my friends were involved in - Rainbows - they were teachers and this was active in their schools www.rainbowsgb.org

I hope one of these might be useful for your dd - the Winston's wish memory boxes have been a huge success with the children I know who have been bereaved. Your dd (and you if you choose to have one as well) gets a large box and collects things of her dads that carry memories. It might be a birthday card from him, a photo of them together on holiday, items he owned, a book, a pressed flower from the funeral, the order of service, an item of clothing such as a sock.

The key thing is that it's things that trigger memories for her. You can do it with any old box - but the Winston's wish ones are well made and lovely. If you have a friend or relative that wants to do something practical to help then asking them to buy a memory box for your dd is one suggestion. I've bought them for 3 friends of my dd who have lost parents, sadly will have a 4th one to get soon.

Sending you all the positive vibes I can for the next few days and weeks

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toriap2 · 03/12/2015 04:02

Thankyou all. He was so wonderful and so kind. I have had lovely messages from his old army friends as well as lots of other people. He wa the only one who could tell what I was thinking just by a look. He was unable to walk and in great pain but if you asked him how ge was he just said he was ok. He nearly got banned from Iceland for speeding round on his scooter.

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toriap2 · 03/12/2015 04:07

The memory box sounds a wonderful idea. At the moment she also has turned his RAMC capbadge into a necklace she can wear. I will let her go to school tomorrow and my mum has said she will go to the progress review as i dont think I can face it. You have all been so nice to me thankyou and given me good advice.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/12/2015 04:11

That's a lovely memory - I remember once being in an upstairs restaurant in Oxford, watching two relatively young people (I mean, not OAPs) on mobility scooters, zipping in and out of the colonnades of the shop opposite - they were having such a laugh! I can imagine your DH was the same, eh?

I agree that your DD should do what she wants to do - being at school might be hard, but it might be better than being at home where she is completely engulfed in her loss. As has been said, at least at school she can get some escape from it for a while, turn her thoughts to something else. And I'm sure they'd let her come home again if/when she wanted to, or find her a quiet spot to collect her thoughts if necessary.

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DaphneGaffney · 03/12/2015 04:12

Toriap2 - I'm very sorry for your, and your Dd's loss. Your Dh sounds like a wonderful man

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catsrus · 03/12/2015 04:20

I love the nearly getting banned from Iceland . Another memory related idea is to start a notebook (buy a nice one from somewhere like paper chase or use a loose leave file with the see through plastic pockets) and write the memories down. There are likely to be lots of them you want to capture. You can ask friends at the funeral to add theirs too. If you use the loose leaf file then you can also save letters and cards. One of my dds remembers hearing lots of stories about her grandad at his funeral and wishes they were written down somewhere because she can't remember them all.

Sorry - I hope I'm not bombarding you with the practical stuff - it tends to be my default mode. if you have a friend like me, who wants to do something, then outsource tasks to them that you want doing but are not able to face.

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mathanxiety · 03/12/2015 04:20

I am very sorry for your terrible loss. So hard, with Christmas right around the corner .

I think it's a great idea to keep some of his clothes to comfort DD with. She could choose whatever she wants, and maybe you could use them to cover cushions with or dress a large stuffed animal with.

I would let her go to school if she feels she wants to, but tell her she doesn't need to brave it out if she suddenly wants to come home.

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toriap2 · 03/12/2015 04:23

He would probably have been joining in. His ambition was to have a scooter race down our street with our neighbour who had a scooter as well. School have said they will just follow her lead and she can go to class, or sit in student support, or come home if she needs. Our lovely neighbour brought a whole meal yesterday wuth enough fir two days and another friend brought a cake and is cooking dinner tonight. My mum has been amazing and said she'll stop for as long as I need

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toriap2 · 03/12/2015 04:26

Catsrus, that is a fab idea and helping with the practical things is wonderful. I gave asked his army pals fir (clean) stories for Dd and they have said they will collate them. He hadnt seen lots of them fir years but they have all sent messages and love

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catsrus · 03/12/2015 04:36

He was clearly a much loved and respected man, I'm sure the memories and stories will be enjoyed by you and your dd for many years to come.

I hope you get some sleep tonight toria I'm going to try and grab some before it gets light