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Run out of energy to support bereaved DH - any advice?(3 Posts)
Requesting some advice/help really. I veer between feeling selfish and feeling at the end of my own tether… Is anybody else in this position? Sorry if this is a bit long. DH is an only child; we also have an only child aged 6. Very much loved FIL died 2 years ago at Christmas time after several cancer-filled years. DH has been quite absent mentally for that time. He's a sensitive but incredibly outwardly stoic guy, finds it hard to talk about feelings although he's in touch with them IYSWIM. He also has a stressful job. He dealt with all this by taking up a lone workout/sport which he did 4 mornings a week, usually twice every weekend. I encouraged this as felt he would explode if no outlet.
Over the last year it's felt as if he's finally surfacing; he's reengaging with family life and cut back on the lone workouts. Except here we are nearing Xmas and the shadow has suddenly fallen once again. I listened tonight to him telling me the busy work schedule he's got in the run up to Xmas and in New Year; I felt stressed just hearing about it. I've also had a shit year at work and hence am looking for a new job. DH won't talk about how he could change things at work or get a different job any more. He says he gets really tense when I try to give advice. I know i could probably do it better and i should be more patient around recovering from bereavement but I was honestly looking forwards to possibly having some kind of joyful Xmas again with DC1, even if there are sad moments which I understand there will probably always be. And of course I miss FIL too!
I know it's selfish but I've run out of strength, I hate this. DH has thought about but never acted on getting counselling or other forms of help, I don't feel like i can suggest it again. I know it sounds ridiculous given how much other people clearly are able to support each other but I feel I don't have anything else to give.
I think you need to let him know this.
We all grieve differently, but he needs to consider you and your dc as well. He needs to give some thought to how he can bring that about.
I never thought counselling would be for me, but went, when I found mysefl 'short' with my dc - it was incredibly helpful. Partly hearing what others had to say, but I think mainly to make me take time out of very busy life to actually take time for myself and work through the grief rather than hiding it away somewhere.
Thanks Backforgood. I have asked him before if he could seek help. He always promises to think about it but doesn't follow thru. Another problem is that he says i make it all about me whenever he's having a tough time. We had a spat tonight withme saying I was finding it tough and he went and sobbed in the loo for 20 mins. we hugged after but didn't talk. I don't know how to ask again without it becoming me pressurising him again.