Freind with cancer. What should I do?

[oinker]

A very close freind was diagnosed with cancer nearly two years ago. We worked together for 11 years and were very close, holidays maid of honour at my wedding we have been thru loads together.
The cancer was dealt with initially. I spoke to her last in march when she had just had a ct scan and they had seen quite a few shadows. I tried to reassure her and keep her positive. It was very hard for me and she must have known it...I lost my dad, aunt and uncle to cancer and she knew all of them. I rang her after the call in march and she never picked up any of them.. i have written too and have had no response.
Deep down I knew it was bad news.
She moved address but fortunately I had the new one. She lives nearly 150 miles away so distance has kept me from going to see her. I didn't want to go for fear of her not answering the door or upsetting her.
Another freind of ours drove past her mums house last night and turned back and knocked at her door. Her dad was there... He told us what had been going on. The cancer has spread all over her body and she is in hospital. I have been distraught after having found out last night and I don't know what to do? I really want to see her and just give her a hug and let her know I care...I don't want her to die but know it is going to happen. what do i do? Do I go to the hospital. Her dad told us where she is but said he was not sure that he should have been telling us what was going on.. He said he did not ubnderstand why the strong link we had was broken..
What do I do??? I need advice.

[pindy]

Go to her. I'm sure she would love to see you and I also think that you would not be able to deal with not seeing her again.

She may think that she is being kind to you as you have been in this situation before, I'm sure she will thank you for being there for her.

Good luck.
X

[EdieMcredie]

Absolutely you must go. You may regret it if you don't.

[fussymummy]

Go and see her.

You'll regret it forever if you don't.

If she's as bad as you've been told, this may be your only chance.

There was a similar thread on here last week, and the person who started the thread didn't get to see her friend.

She's now faced with the funeral.

[Jimjams2]

Who does she have with her? And how close to the end is she? Having been out of her life for a while I think its is hard to know what to do (as you have to do what is best for her, rather than what is best for you iyswim). Did her Dad give any indication of whether going to see her would be welcomed or not? Could he ask her if she wants to see you, or pass something on from you to show you are thinking of her?

[IWhoooooshYouamerryXmas]

Please go and see her.

Too many of us have lost loved ones and never had the chance to say goodbye....

[oinker]

I haven't spoken to her dad. A mutual freind saw him. He just said he wasn't sure if he should have been saying anything to us. The freind is going to drive by again today to get the address. I will write to her mum and beg her to speak to her daughter. I will have to take it from there. I can't just turn up what if I upset her. I don't want to casue her any heart ache...
Why does this shit have to happen.... She is the most beautiful person who has never done any wrong.. I am so fucked off and angry...
i am sorry to go on... i have to stop for a while I am at work and balling quietly in the corner...

[Jimjams2]

If she has quite a bit of time (weeks) left I probably would go and see her oinker, or make contact in some way; it's only if she's in her last hours that I would be more cautious (although would probably still try to get some token to her via her family). It's hard though because people approach death so differently.

[oinker]

I have just googled the hospital site for location and other details.. thinking of flowers but not sure what ward and some wards don't allow them
The hospital she is at do free ecards..

Should I send one with a message? What will I write... OMG... I am going away next tuesday for 2 weeks I can only do this week am in Paris over the weekend... I don't want to do anything... I feel physically sick....

[Jimjams2]

oinker I'd really try to find out how ill she is first of all. If very, and not wanting to be seen (which may be to do about privacy etc rather than not wanting to see you per se iyswim) then I'd try and send something luxurious, a crisp cotton pillow, or some sort of small sparkly thing (a mobile?). Do you have any other mutual friiends that you could ask?

[Jimjams2]

If she does have a while left (maybe ring the ward and ask, although they're funny about giving out info and busy I know) then I'd go in person really, just turn up.

[oinker]

Only other mutual freind fell out with her around this time last year. She's the one I got the info from. We were all very close, like sisters. The cancer came and she fell out with the other freind as she said she was too self absorbed and didn't think of her and illness. I know that wasn't the case. It was a case of not being able to confront and speak about it. I tried explaining but she would not listen. I didn't push it with her as I wanted to keep her as a freind.
Thanks for the chat ladies... i will think of something... I love the idea of the mobile... She was into spiritual healing so I may try and look into that...

[oinker]

Decision made. i contacted the hospital in the hope of getting advice from macmillan nurse. I was told they have none only a team of pallative care nurses. I was too upset to ask anything further. Called again tonight and was put thru to ward sister. She would not give any info but implied that I go this week. I will go to the hospital and get a nurse to tell her I am there. If she chooses to see me then I will go in. If she doen't want to see me I will leave.
Thanks for everything today.

[Jimjams2]

That sounds a good way of doing it oinker.

[fussymummy]

Glad you made a decision.

Sounds like you need to go sooner, rather than later.

Why don't you write her a really nice letter on some special note paper, telling her what a lovely person she is, and what her friendship means to you, etc...

At least if her wishes are not to see you, then the nurse can pass the letter on for you.

Just an idea!

[wrinklytum]

Oinker,sounds like you care about your friend very much.I am sure she will be pleased to see you and take strength from it.Some famous person once said "you only regret the things you DON'T do." I think this is very true.I am sure she will see you.Many hugs,Wrinkly.

[Uki]

Oh Oinker
That's so sad. If it was me I would go and see her, it will be hard for both of you but I'm sure she would love to see you, but probably is having a hard time. I'm sure you will be pleased to see her too, even if it is sadly to say goodbye it would be nice to have people care to come.

If you cannot see her maybee you could write her a letter and tell her how special she is to you.

By the sounds of it I'm sure she probably didn't respond before because she was probably too sick, or was going throgh a withdrawal phase.

Have you thought of calling her at the hospital?
and asking her if you could come?

Take Care & hugs

[Vev]

Go and see her - phone the ward and ask them to ask her if she'll see you. I found out last week from the obituary in the local paper that an old friend of mine from college had died. Admittedly I hadn't seen her for a long time but knew she had cancer which was in remission but secondaries struck. If I'd known she was poorly (she only lasted 3 months from the diagnosis of secondaries) I'd have gone and seen her, sent a card - just something to let her know she was thought about. It must be so hard to know your time here is nearly over.

[firststar]

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