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How long till you felt normal again?

(17 Posts)
Crumpet1 Sun 22-Nov-15 11:02:26

I was on such a high before my mum died, I had a new baby, was loved up and planning our wedding. I had such high hopes for the year ahead and then my mum died in February and nothing has been the same since. I've still got a lovely baby and little boy (although he is a test within himself!), got married etc but I feel so dull, like I've lost the life and fun that was in me. I've been getting on with life but I don't feel right inside.

How long was it for you? I just want to feel happy inside instead of putting on an act of being happy.

Fraggled Sun 22-Nov-15 11:10:25

I'm sorry. I've no advice, my mum almost died last month so I only had a glimpse of this. Just wanted to give you a virtual hug really. flowers

I hope you feel better soon.

florentina1 Sun 22-Nov-15 11:31:54

I am not sure you ever feel normal after losing someone you love. Slowly, slowly it becomes less unbearable.

My dad died over 40 years ago, and there are days when something will set me off crying. Other times I can go weeks even months without even thinking about him.

You are in the early stages of grieving and I can well understand how some days it takes over your whole life.

Everybody has different coping strategies. Mine was to think about how sad he would be if he saw me unhappy and that helped me pull myself together.

You cannot rush the grieving process but I hope you will find a way to cope with it.

OnADarkDesertHighway Sun 22-Nov-15 11:38:18

You reach a new normal but you do not get the old normal back IME.

Nearly 3 years for me since I lost my mum and it does get easier. Very sorry for your loss. I would say it takes a year to 18 months to approach a degree of new normal. flowers

DaftVader36 Sun 22-Nov-15 11:55:02

It's been five years since I lost my Dad. It is less raw, but I still feel sad about it and feel he was cheated.

When I see something beautiful or interesting, I always think of him - sometimes thinking how unfair he isn't there to see it, sometimes just smiling to my self and thinking how much he would have loved it.

Ups and downs eh.

Margie32 Tue 24-Nov-15 14:16:11

Oh Crumpet I'm so sorry for your loss, I can totally empathize with what you're going through. My Mum died 2 years ago when my DSs were nearly 3 and 11 months. I remember feeling pulled in all directions, not able to grieve properly because my DSs needed so much of my time and attention, and not able to be the happy, bubbly mother that I knew they deserved.

Go easy on yourself. The first year is so hard, your grief is still so new and raw. Talk to people about your Mum, share memories with other people who knew and loved her, I still talk out loud to my Mum all the time. I can't really tell you when it gets "normal", the loss of your Mum has marked you and changed you but the load does feel lighter after a time and you find yourself laughing and smiling more easily. Hang on in there flowers

Mermaidhair1 Wed 25-Nov-15 10:26:27

You won't feel your old normal again. But you will find a new normal. Things will be hard, but slowly you will start to enjoy your world again. It won't be the same, it will be different. It's almost like you lose your innocence when someone close to you dies. flowers

Crumpet1 Wed 25-Nov-15 12:27:56

Thanks for your replies.
I think it's hard because the last 10 years of her life were not good ones, she was a none functioning alcoholic and hurt a lot of people, there's no one I can really talk about the good times with. I still feel regrets, maybe I could have been a bit more supportive but there's no way I can do anything about those regrets now.

God knows why but I really thought I'd be ok by now!

mumblebumble Wed 25-Nov-15 12:35:58

So sorry for your loss. I think it can be even harder to deal with grief when the relationship you had was a complicated one. Do the feelings you mentioned in your OP come and go (good days and bad days) or are they pretty much constant? You might benefit from visiting your GP to discuss depression/ complex grief reaction, and maybe seeing someone to talk about your loss, especially given that its hard to talk with those who knew her.
Please don't feel guilty, unfortunately when someone is addicted to alcohol they are honestly the only person who can save themselves sad
Good luck OP flowers

Crumpet1 Wed 25-Nov-15 20:17:19

Thanks mumble. I don't want to make it seem as if my grief is harder than anyone else's because I know I'm not the first to be in this position, but it is so hard. I sometimes wish I cool feel a straight forward grief instead of it being so complicated.

I'd thought about going to see someone but I wouldn't even know where to start and I doubt I'd have the time either.
It seems to be good days and bad days but my anxiety is there everyday.

ZiggyWiggy Wed 25-Nov-15 23:30:21

I lost my Dad last December. We're just coming up to the anniversary. I had counselling in the summer and it really helped me to deal with the circumstances of his death (it was very sudden and I had a newborn baby) and I've been able to move on to a degree of grieving the loss of him instead of dwelling on his death if that makes sense? It sounds like you had a complicated relationship with your Mum. Perhaps counselling would help on a number of levels, your grief at loosing her, the circumstances, the relationship you wanted but never had?

Hope this helps and remember be kind to yourself, it's still early days flowers

Thatsbetter Wed 25-Nov-15 23:37:35

Having a baby complicates the grieving process I found as they are demanding of so much of your time and energy that head space and reflection time is hard to find.

For me, after a year the fog lifted and I started to feel somewhat more 'normal'. Like others say, the old normal has gone but you will find a new one flowers

CainInThePunting Wed 25-Nov-15 23:46:29

My Mum died four years ago, it was very sudden and unexpected as she was fit and (we thought) healthy. I've just started to feel like I'm back in the land of the living again this year.
I found counselling difficult as I'm not a talker but I recommend you try it.
You'll get there in your own time. flowers

BackforGood Wed 25-Nov-15 23:52:44

I agree it's never "back to how it was", but you have to find a "new normal".

I had 3 really close family members die within 15months of each other so took up the offer of bereavement counselling and I still remember (some 12 yrs on) a lady in the group saying that it was like a lightbulb coming on in her head when one day it just clicked that she'd been waiting for things to "return to normal" but actually they never would be quite the same, but that, that was fine, and she still had the rest of her life to live, and she could still have lots of happy times and create "the next stage of her life".
I like her thinking.

ssd Thu 26-Nov-15 09:22:06

my mum died 3 years ago, my dad died 17 years ago, my siblings are hundreds of miles away and I dont have any relationship with them.. feel my family is gone.

I dont know how long it takes to feel normal as I still feel like I have to put on a face a lot of the time, but I'd say at least 2 years till the fog clears.

I had counselling from cruise, I think it helped, but I'm not over it by a long way.

thanks for you x

Steamedcharsiubun Thu 26-Nov-15 09:28:18

My local hospice offers free bereavement counselling and you do not have to have had a friend or relative use the hospice. I have used the counselling service, I did make a decent donation, all the counsellors were qualified but volunteers.

Try your local hospice, I agree it's getting used to the new normal. Marks and Spencer's chocolate biscuits make me cry as I always bought my Dad some at Christmas.

alltheworld Wed 02-Dec-15 04:10:16

My Dad died in June in difficult circumstances and having to deal with young children complicated the grieving process.
In September I started free counselling at the local hospice although there was no connection with him. Having an hour a week to talk about him really helped the process.
Another thread talks about waves and I have found that the waves of grief are less frequent and intense and in between I can now begin to take pleasure in my friends and activities.
I think it just takes time to heal and that time will be different for everyone and that you don,t get over it, you learn to live again in a different way.

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