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DM's outburst on anniversary of DF's death

(16 Posts)
DeathstarDame Tue 10-Nov-15 16:43:47

Bonfire night marked the one year anniversary of my DF's death. It was a tough day for us all and we made plans with DM to have fireworks and food at hers so we could all be together.

Earlier in the day my DF's brother visited me and brought me flowers. We didn't have a relationship until my DF died, he was a huge help to me and dealt with the coroner and autopsy. I have a DS who doesn't speak to our uncle, not for any reason they just don't keep in touch. DM asked me not to mention the flowers as it may upset DS, I agreed.

Later whilst speaking to DM's partner I accidentally let it slip that I had received the flowers. DS didn't say anything but when alone with my DM she started shouting at me about it. I apologized and explained it was genuinely a slip up and how I had totally forgotten not to mention it as my mind was on other things (DF).

She then went on to say I make everything about myself, that I have my "own fucking house" to remember DF at and it was thoughtless of me as now she would have to deal with DS being upset and it's "always her". I told her I am only human and had been distracted all day and how dare she speak to me like this on the first anniversary knowing how hard a day it was...She told me to fuck myself and asked me, my DP and our DS to leave.

We haven't spoken since and I am still so shocked that it happened. My DS can't believe it either. Me and DM have a pretty good relationship but I really don't know where to go from here...

G1veMeStrength Tue 10-Nov-15 16:47:33

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think I understand. Your mum thinks your son would be upset that your uncle gave you flowers?

momb Tue 10-Nov-15 16:48:57

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds as if all of you are hurting very much, including your DM, who may well be confused by feeling that way if she has a new partner anyway.

momb Tue 10-Nov-15 16:49:34

I'm guessing DS is sister in this case, as referred to 'our uncle'

DriverSurpriseMe Tue 10-Nov-15 16:50:53

Did you mean DS as in sister as well as son? Bit confusing.

It does sound like an overreaction. If your sister doesn't speak to your uncle, she doesn't really have a right to be upset that he bought you flowers and not her.

I'm guessing the fact your mum asked you to keep quiet about them means that your sister has form for these kind of outbursts?

It's very unfair of your mum to blame you for your sister's crappy behaviour.

TendonQueen Tue 10-Nov-15 17:39:33

It would help to know whether S is for son or sister, although it would help even more to have any background for the relationship between you all. You've said it's 'pretty good': has anything like this happened before? Did your DF have favourites or were there tensions there? It seems very odd to come out of the blue. What has your mum been like in the year since your dad died?

I wouldn't rush into anything. It's only been a few days since this happened and everyone's probably licking their wounds.

DeathstarDame Tue 10-Nov-15 17:52:27

Sorry everyone, I didn't realise is used DS for 2 different meanings. My sister was upset regarding the flowers and my Mum asked us us and our Son to leave.

My DM has been with her partner for 3 years now, her and my DF divorced 5 years ago.

My DSis does regularly have outbursts over things that usually as an adult you would let slip. My DM does have to put up with aftermath as they live together.

My DF didn't have any favourites but had a lot of MH issues and once him and my DM divorced I took over where she left off in regards to dealing with his meds, Drs etc. My DSis found him difficult to deal with and took a step back so their relationship was quite strained but they did care for each other a lot. My relationship with my DM has always been a close one I thought, we share a lot with each other and always speak to one another if something is on our mind (though apparently not in this case).

My DM has gone through the motions with us all following his death, she had grieved too and supported us all through our own grief. My DM is the type of person who bottles it up and then comes out with it all in one go but usually this isn't the case between her and me which is why I feel so hurt.

Epilepsyhelp Tue 10-Nov-15 17:58:24

I'm not sure you should have said 'how dare you' to her, it's a very emotive thing to say. Obviously it was an awful day for all of you but she will be getting it in the neck now presumably from your sister so she must have really not wanted her to find out.

She should of course lay the blame for that on your sister being difficult, not on you.

Grief is so difficult and weird. I hope she will apologise and that you will be able to accept and you can both forget any hurts.

Finola1step Tue 10-Nov-15 18:02:13

I'm really sorry for your loss. I know the last year will have been very difficult for you. flowers

My Dad died 2.5 years ago. The biggest thing I learnt was that grief and grieving are so very, very personal. We say and do things that we might not fully understand.

I think you should give your mum and sister a little space. It may not be worth trying to pick apart and analysing what happened. Just call them in a few days. Discuss something else. Christmas?

It may be that in the future you decide to mark your Dad's passing in different ways. Or separately.

BlueBananas Tue 10-Nov-15 18:10:39

I'm confused as to why you spent the anniversary of your fathers death with your Mum and her new partner if your father had died after their divorce confused

Or have I completely misunderstood? There were alot of abbreviations in your post

DeathstarDame Tue 10-Nov-15 18:19:09

Thank you, Finola.

A part of me does think that perhaps being their for us (me, my sister and brother) has maybe got on top of her and this little thing has caused a whole mess because of how she is feeling.

BlueBananas, I spent the anniversary with my mother, her partner, my sister, my partner and our son. I'm not sure what's so strange about that? My partner and mother still spoke to my Father.

Finola1step Tue 10-Nov-15 18:35:10

Dame you may well have hit the nail on the head. Your mum may well have been trying to keep everything going for the sake of you and your siblings. And ignored her grief along the way somewhat.

I think it can be very difficult situation for a divorced person to be in. When your ex husband dies, the father of your dc, it must stir up a range of emotions. Even if that person has moved on and is in another relationship. I know it did for my uncle's first wife.

Finola1step Tue 10-Nov-15 18:35:51

Loving your username by the way.

DeathstarDame Wed 11-Nov-15 13:21:58

I've just read over my posts and my words are such a muddle! Sorry for not making very much sense.

Thank you, Finola grin I still haven't heard from DM yet but think some space will do her good. I'll wait for her to approach me and see how things go from there.

BabiesComeWithHats Wed 11-Nov-15 13:26:33

I have a DS who doesn't speak to our uncle, not for any reason they just don't keep in touch. DM asked me not to mention the flowers as it may upset DS, I agreed.

Am I the only one thinking that your uncle and Dsis did have a pretty significant falling out over something, and it was hushed up? Otherwise I can't see why anyone would get so upset by the mention of hte flowers? hmm

DeathstarDame Wed 11-Nov-15 19:51:29

Babies, they genuinely have not had a falling out, they just have never spoken very much. I was around our uncle a lot growing up where as she wasn't, I had a lot to do with him during the funeral plans etc. where as they haven't spoken to one another regardless of DF dying. There really is no reason for why, she doesn't speak to our aunts either.

Taking that into consideration there really is no reason for her to be upset about the flowers but she regularly overreacts to things like this. For example, my aunt (whom I'm close with) gave me an Amazon gift card for my birthday. DS didn't receive one because they don't speak but it was wrong that I was sent one and not her confused

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