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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Funeral arrangements

19 replies

CountryLovingGirl · 28/10/2015 19:39

Hi,

I lost my mum earlier this week to cancer.

I am the youngest in a family of 3 and the only female. We are starting to arrange the funeral and my brothers are insisting that there is no gathering afterwards (it will be a crematorium service). So, no caterers in or anything like that. I was planning on hiring somewhere for a couple of hours. My mum had quite a lot of friends and some of her family left.

Do you think it is odd for people to just come away from the crematorium and that is it? I think they are being tight and a bit ignorant tbh. My mum left plenty in insurance and savings so it's not like the money isn't there. I would pay myself anyway.

What will people think if no gathering afterwards?

OP posts:

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SisterMoonshine · 28/10/2015 19:42

I'm with you. I appreciate the opportunity to socialise with others afterwards. Not much of an opportunity to chat in the service.
What's putting them off?

plum100 · 28/10/2015 19:48

Im sorry for your loss. I would think its sad if there is no wake afterwards, funerals are so upsetting i think the gathering afterwards is a lovely time for happy memories. I know tjats how i felt at my mums, i also remember thinking she'd love it if she were here. Why dont theu want one?

Indantherene · 28/10/2015 19:50

It would be odd not to have a wake, especially if people have had to travel. I found it is an important part of the grieving process.

plum100 · 28/10/2015 19:50

Theres no reason why you cant just go ahead anyway is there? If you are paying anyway ...... They dont have to go xx

AtSea1979 · 28/10/2015 19:53

Sorry for your loss. I agree with others that it's a time to share memories.

FadedRed · 28/10/2015 20:00

Sorry for your loss, CountryLovingGirl
The gathering of friends and family after a funeral can be very therapeutic, it gives people, especially friends of deceased whom you are unlikely to meet again, a chance to talk about the person they have lost.
You have a right to disagree with your elder brothers and arrange such a gathering. If they choose not to attend, then that is their choice.
The Funeral Directors can help you with venues near the crematorium, if you need them.
The one we had for late DM earlier this year was in a pub near the church (where we had our wedding reception years before). They did a nice buffet with some personal touches, teas and coffees. (We also had a free bar, but not everyone would do this, we just knew that it wouldn't be misused iyswim). It came to just under £500, so not a fortune.
For DF's funeral, people came back to the house, but not possible with DM's.
Hope it goes OK for you.

BackforGood · 28/10/2015 20:00

I agree with you. It's a very important part of the process - a time when people start to share memories, and even smile and laugh together at fond memories.
If I were in your shoes, I would say that I was putting something on anyway, and obviously you hope that they will come, but you will go ahead and do it anyway whether they want to help or not.

Even without the step in the grieving process, it's basic good manners if you are asking people to attend something that you offer them a cuppa and a cake afterwards, even if not a bigger spread. (That will depend a lot on the timing of the funeral service and the distance people will have travelled)

Wolpertinger · 28/10/2015 20:01

It would be v odd not to go somewhere just for a few sandwiches after. A crem service is very quick and they move you on fast afterwards - they don't expect you to hang around and chat there.

Maybe you can explain this to your brothers and that you are happy to pay rather than it come out of her estate?

kansasmum · 28/10/2015 20:04

I found it really helpful to have a wake after my Dad died. It was lovely to hear other people's memories and stories about him I'd forgotten.
I would go ahead no matter what your brothers say.

Sorry for your loss

VimFuego101 · 28/10/2015 20:05

I think people will be expecting at least a cup of tea and a sandwich and hall to congregate in. I don't think anyone expects anything fancy at all - just to be able to gather and get a drink afterwards. Is it money related or can they just not face 'hosting' it?

madmother1 · 28/10/2015 20:10

How sad that your brothers don't want this. Go ahead and do it. My Mum had many friends and it was lovely to meet them all. I had little bunches of daffodils on jam jars on the table. I gave each old lady one to take away. It made their day. My worse regret was not having an order if service card as my DB thought it was a waste of money. I was very upset about that part. I hope you manage to sort something out. I'm sorry for your loss x

CountryLovingGirl · 28/10/2015 20:50

Thanks all.

I think I will just go ahead and do it. I would feel very awkward at the service if people were told to go home. The service is over early lunchtime too so they will be hungry!
I think it is a combination of money and the hosting that puts them off. My eldest brother is very anti-social. We even struggled to get him to see
mum in hospital (and that was only 1/2 an hour).
I will have a look around and see what is available close to the crematorium.

OP posts:

CountryLovingGirl · 28/10/2015 20:57

They are not having an order of service card either!
My mum actually paid for her own funeral (pre-paid years ago). So, it isn't costing them a penny. Obviously, a buffet/hire of somewhere would be extra but won't be that much considering she has left them a good few thousand inheritance. I think it's very mean tbh and I don't feel comfortable about it. My mum's sister won't be too impressed.

OP posts:

Leavingsosoon · 28/10/2015 20:59

I agree with you and am sorry for your loss

sandgrown · 28/10/2015 21:01

When my Uncle died my cousin just wanted to get a box of biscuits and go back to Aunties very small flat. I saw more,of auntie and knew lots of people would come. I went to the local club where they had been members until becoming ill and they put on a magnificent spread for £4 a head! It was great to chat and share memories and a rift between two family members was healed. I got all the close family members to chip in and I paid the balance so no cost to the estate. It was a fitting send off for a very lovely man and auntie enjoyed having all her family and friends there.

wannanewone · 29/10/2015 08:43

Sorry fo your loss
I agree with the above, I would go ahead and arrange something that you want. Do it also for your late mother, her sister, her wider family and friends.
I hope you have someone to support you in doing this, and through these tough times.

ButtonMoon88 · 29/10/2015 08:51

Just wanted to say so sorry for your loss

It's important to have a wake afterwards, it gives your brain time to go over things in a more positive way.

Re order of service cards, we had them for my dad, but we had loads of friends and family attending the funeral so I didn't actually get to take one home. It seemed important at the time but it isn't to me now x

junebirthdaygirl · 29/10/2015 09:09

Sometimes guys just don't get it. Can you talk to their partners. They might understand better. I think you should go ahead with the little things you would like. Have you a friend that would help you plan it as it's a lot on your own. Don't get into any argument with dbs. Accept their opinion then gently say you would like to do it. There is nothing as lonely as going home straight after a funeral as you need time just to chat about your Mom and hear stories from her friends and relatives. I'm sorry about your Mom. I hope you can do it how you want.

Lindylou43 · 03/11/2015 08:44

Someone has told me that you can get free certified copies ofrom death certificatesentence from a jobcentre plus or somewhere similar - does anyone know if this is the case? Thanks

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