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Bereavement

How to offer support

8 replies

GloopyGhoul · 21/10/2015 17:06

One of my daughter's friends (age 5) has just lost her dad, very suddenly I believe. I don't know the mum well, and would appreciate some advice on whether and how to offer my support during this time.
TIA.

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pinktransit · 21/10/2015 17:12

Definitely offer support - even if it's just kind words.
Perhaps after saying how sorry you are to hear her news offer to do something specific - perhaps to do the school run for a while, or pick ups whenever needed.
I'm still using the meals that mum made me and popped into the freezer when Pete died, perhaps make some dinners in microwavable containers, freeze them and take them over for those days when cooking is just too much.
Hugs, kind emails, quick facebook messages just saying that people are thinking of me are keeping me going at the moment.

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GloopyGhoul · 21/10/2015 17:22

Thanks, Pink. I did speak briefly to her mum today, to offer help over half term. But I've been second-guessing myself, and worried I was "sticking my beak in."

I shall wait a few days and offer again. The situation is so sad it makes me want to weep for her (I realise that would be inappropriate) - this is the second time she has been widowed.

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GloopyGhoul · 21/10/2015 17:23

And, Pink, I'm so very sorry for your own loss. Thank you for answering my silly question.

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pinktransit · 21/10/2015 17:31

Not a silly question at all :)
The worst thing that you can do is not acknowledge her loss - I do know that it's hard to find the 'right' words and worry about using the 'wrong' ones. Saying anything at all is better than nothing - I can promise you that you won't be 'reminding' her of her loss (honestly, she won't have forgotten), and nothing that you can say will make it worse. Having to pretend that nothing has happened and nobody is saying anything is so horrible.
Practical help is good to offer - she'll be very busy over the next couple of weeks, but after that I'd offer again to help with school if needed, that sort of thing.

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overthemill · 21/10/2015 17:39

You sound very kind. IME the thing to do is offer simple things like play dates, prepare food she can warm up etc but don't just say 'if there's anything I can do just ask' because I couldn't think of anything at all! Brain freeze I think. But the people who left fish pie on the doorstep, sent their dad round to cut the grass, picked up dd from playgroup etc are always in my heart. So simple, practical things. And kind words and a hug. My loss wasn't DH it was DS but bereavement is the same really.

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GloopyGhoul · 21/10/2015 17:43

Thanks for the advice.

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KittyandTeal · 21/10/2015 17:57

My loss was different, dd2 was stillborn.

However, kind words, even just a 'I'm thinking of you' or a 'sorry you're having such a tough time' helped me. Just keep repeating, it's nice to know people haven't forgotten you.

One of my friends said her sorries but then spent time sending me hilarious messages about stuff I was missing at work. That made me feel normal again but I'm guessing you're not close enough for that.

I imagine offing help with school runs would be helpful.

I doubt she'll think you're sticking your beak in though.

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GloopyGhoul · 21/10/2015 20:21

Thank you, overthemill and KittyandTeal I'm sorry to hear about the losses of your beautiful children.

You're all right. I shall offer help with specific things, like school runs and play dates. Perhaps take some food in a disposable container, so there's no stress about washing and returning dishes.