Partner grieving - need advice(7 Posts)
My partner's dad died 3 weeks ago and he's fallen to pieces but only with me. Can anyone give any advice? His dad was 84, hes 47, he's from a family of 7 and they're all very close but don't discuss their feelings particularly. Everyone is being stoical and getting on with stuff and he is semeing that way when he's with them, even joking around, but when he's with me, he's angry, distant, touchy, he's sleeping in the spare room, not helping that much with our toddler, causing fights around him and picking on me in front of him. I know all this is normal but I am struggling big time as have no support network myself. Can anyone give me any advice on how to cope? I am in tears whenever he leaves the room - he storms out and out of the house at the drop of a hat. We have had a year from hell and I'm all out of resources. The Dr just prescribed me (and him) antids to get through this but I dont think I'm depressed, just at my wits end after a terrible year, needing him to not pick on me and take his dads death out on me, but he just wont stop - whats the answer? How do I cope with this type of grief? Where do I get strength from?
This is our year just to put it in context.
The year began when my partner wasn't paid (£20K) by a friend he was working for, and then the friend terminated the job when I got taken into hospital with a rupturing ectopic in April. We had been doing IVF as am 44, that was our last embryo and our last chance. We did end up doing one last IVF cycle but it didnt work. My partner was unemployed for 3 months and ended up getting a job but working away from home. We have a two year old and moved to somewhere quite remote at the start of the year and so I have become increasingly isolated and alone most days. I don't have a support network at all - we live in Australia (partner is Australian), moved 3 years ago after my mum died of leukeamia so we could start a new positive life but things havent worked out with his work and we had to move cities soon after our son was born and so life has been very disrupted and I havent managed to make many friends. And none where we now live. Literally spend whole days alone, as hard as Ive tried to meet people theyre just aren't that many around where we live. There arent any jobs here either so thats not an option and when we originally moved to Melbourne I was retraining but that option isn't open to me here either.
We just got back from our first trip back to the UK in 3 years 5 weeks ago and my partners dad died two weeks later. Its full on and I'm feeling really desperate and have no idea how to cope with this, or him. I am generally very resiliant but out of ideas and energy. Thank you for reading if you've got this far. And for any advice you can give.
Can't respond fully at the moment but wanted to say a few words. It sounds like many different things are going on and you could do some work to untangle that. I started therapy (psychotherapy type) a few years ago and I have found it invaluable. Your dp might also need some support outside of the relationship.
From a bereavement point of view just try and be able here and let him talk if he wants. You are doing really well, it is an awful situation and he won't realise what a stain it is on you. He will come out the other side and so will you.
Yes he is grieving, but I think it's unfair how he is treating you. Can you talk to him and let him know you understand he is sad but some of his behaviour is unacceptable? You poor thing, it must be hard being alone. I would try to build up your own support network, join a playgroup, look on meetup and get out there. I would also suggest to your dh that if he can't stop his behaviour that he needs to get some counselling. It's strange he is sleeping in the spare bed, do you feel like he is trying to punish you?
He's been sleeping in the spare room since i came back from hospital with the ectopic in April, but that was also the same time he lost his job with his friend so its hard to know which precipitated it. Thats all he talked about at the time so its hard to know, he didnt ever talk about the ectopic or support me over it. He's gone awol today again after having another go at me. I am totally out of my depth on this. Thanks for your support everyone.
I am so sorry for all you have suffered.
Also agree your partner's behaviour is terrible. Could you write to him?
Also agree getting some counselling might make you feel stronger.
for you. I am so sorry about your ectopic.
Ugh. You said it best OP...It's your year. Bereavement across the board...loss of parents, the family making window has shut, job opportunities are dry, and the rest. You've got it tough to say the least.
Have you considered moving back to the UK? Maybe Australia is done? Maybe being closer to family and friends would put you both back on a stable path. There's nothing as hard as struggling alone within a marriage and in a place that doesn't feel like home.
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