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Advice needed regarding funeral of 15 m/o (title amended by MNHQ)

(19 Posts)
MrsS1980 Mon 10-Aug-15 23:50:45

My friend lost her beautiful 15 mo girl last weekend completely unexpectedly. It is her funeral on Friday and I really want to go and support her. I have someone to mind 4yo DS, but would it be ok to take my 6wo with me? She is Ebf and feeding on demand.
I don't want to be insensitive, but want to support her. I genuinely don't know what to do? Any advice much appreciated.

Finola1step Mon 10-Aug-15 23:55:48

In all honesty, no I wouldn't. For the whole family, not just your friend, seeing a baby at the funeral of such a young child may be just too hard to bear.

Imnotaslimjim Tue 11-Aug-15 00:09:45

What a difficult decision for you to make. But personally, unless you can ask your friend what she wants you to do, I would find someone to sit with the 6wo for an hour while you're at the funeral

IHeartKingThistle Tue 11-Aug-15 00:17:22

My mum went to the funeral of a baby last week and came back saying 'someone was there with a tiny baby, how insensitive'. I said I was sure they'd OK'd it with the family - would it be appropriate for you to do that?

sugar21 Tue 11-Aug-15 00:18:50

I lost dd2 when she was 17 months and I can honestly say that if another baby was at her funeral I think I would have screamed. I know you want to support your friend but really don't think taking your little one is appropriate

LondonZoo Tue 11-Aug-15 03:32:05

Another one saying No.

I was in your position (a six week old infant and a 15 month toddler who had died) and it was a definite No.

Mrscog Tue 11-Aug-15 03:39:58

I'd echo the others - can you find someone to sit with your baby in the car/outside somewhere and sit near the back in case you need to make a speedy exit?

pilates Tue 11-Aug-15 03:41:15

No, can you not express some milk for the baby?

MrsS1980 Tue 11-Aug-15 08:26:34

Thanks all, I think I knew that was the thing to do really, it is just so hard to know what to say and do. I am just so angry at the unfairness of it all, noone should ever have to lose their child.

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 11-Aug-15 08:46:54

Hi OP
We've added a bit to your title to make things clearer
You're a kind friend to think of these things before hand.
flowers

Only1scoop Tue 11-Aug-15 08:49:22

Without a doubt if you attend don't take your baby.
Very insesnsutive.

pomegranatesandfilms Tue 11-Aug-15 08:54:32

Yes no young children at funeral the parents need no distractions at this difficult time.

chairmeoh Tue 11-Aug-15 09:05:45

I don't think you being there with a 6wo would be very supportive. Perhaps there is something else you could do while they are in the service, such as set out the tea cups (if they're having a wake), or make them a dinner for later that day?

DoItTooJulia Tue 11-Aug-15 10:39:34

How awful for your friend. Judging by the other replies in this thread, it would seem that taking your baby isn't the right thing to do. Do you feel like you could ask her if it's ok? If not is there anyone who could take your baby for the service?

What a dilemma. Hope you find a way to support your friend on Friday. flowers

Petridish Tue 11-Aug-15 11:03:08

Definitely not a good idea.

When a friend's baby died, another friend turned up to see her and brought her baby with her - I was shocked.

Baffledmumtoday Tue 11-Aug-15 11:11:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cathpip Tue 11-Aug-15 19:58:29

I wouldn't of minded but then when my dd age 3 died her little brother was 3 weeks old at the funeral. We had specifically let friends and family know that we didn't mind children being at the funeral or the wake and it was up to them to decide on the day, we also had an older son age 5 and seeing him run around with his friends after the funeral and at the wake knowing that he was happy whilst we could speak with people was lovely. Are you able to take a friend who can wait outside with your dc or are you able to inquire discreetly about your dc's attendance? For info my ds was ebf and I was half expecting to have to feed halfway through but he slept from the start of the funeral at the church and through the cremation and wake.... Am very sorry for your friends loss xx

magimedi Tue 11-Aug-15 20:10:53

cathpip - I have read (but not contributed) many of your posts & I'd just like to say how very generous you are to come on to this post & share your experiences.

flowers for you, yours & never forgetting Pippa.

MrsS1980 Tue 11-Aug-15 21:36:55

Thank you all so much, Cathpip especially for sharing your thoughts. I have 2 lovely people minding my DCs and agree that is the best thing. Don't want to bother my friend or her family - she has enough to think about! Xxx

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