Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Slightly neurotic 28 yr old, free to good home

30 replies

LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:09

I don't know why I'm posting really. I have also posted the same elsewhere, didn't know where best to put it. I suppose I just feel so lonely. My mum died age 13, my best friend of 8; years died 2 and half years ago and my nan the following year. So that's it for me. It feels like. I have acquaintances, people who I guess care for me. But on a day to day basis it is just me and my dogs. I don't know who I am any more, what I am, what I want. Well the last part isn't true but I can't really have what I want. I miss my nan and her tough talk. And her cooking. My best friend was a true one off and we were two halves of a whole. Or so it feels now that half of me is gone. My mum was a long time ago but I miss her too and her high sense of justice, equality, and priority for love. And just 'having a mum'. I don't want a man anymore really because all my attachment issues get placed on to them and I get deeply hurt. Plus they can't fix how I feel. What I would love right now is for my life to be like a movie. You know where the wayward orphan type always ends up being kind of adopted by a fabulous hard hitting granny type, or a bookish grandad type. Someone to take me on and love me. It's all so very sad. I'm so numb now. Yet near to tears because I view myself from an outsiders perspective and I think 'how sad for her'. I am the queen of repression. Counselling hhad ended and was fab, grief not an issue so much as what do I do now? When really, at the age of 28, I could actually die in my home and no one would know for weeks or months. I am not exaggerating. Where do you even meet friends at this age? Everyone is already so busy living their lives. I don't even want friends I want a granny, a parent type figure. I never had it. I dragged myself up even when my mum was alive as she drank and was abused by my step dad. It would be so lovely to have someone take control for once. Show me how to budget, how to save money, how to love myself. Going to stop typing now because I will not cry. Once those gates open that's it and I can't do it. I don't know what I want from this. Get it out I suppose. sorry for lack of paragraphs my brain is top mushed. Thank god for auto correct.

OP posts:

Report

EBearhug · 30/07/2015 23:17

Haven't got a lot else to say just now - but I know where you're coming from, and it's hard. I can do all the practical stuff (no one else, so I have no choice), so if you want help with things like budgeting, I'm sure I or others could help. Don't know if I've ever learnt how to love myself, though.

Kleptronic · 30/07/2015 23:20

Fucking hell you sound so very sad. I am so sorry you feel this way. It must be very hard to have this sense of loneliness.

This is not all it can be for you. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it can and will change. There are things that you can do towards changing it, and I have a suggestion or two, but I'm sure other people will have better ones so I'll wait.

I wanted to let you know I heard you, first.

bgottalent · 30/07/2015 23:23

I'm so sorry. Making friends can be difficult but have you thought of doing some volunteering, joining a choir or a book club. Take baby steps but make a plan to get out and do just one thing a week.

LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:27

That's kind, thank you. I think I have got to the point now where I have this unhealthy need for someone else to just totally take over for me. I have craved normal support for so long and still had to go it alone that now it's morphed into this need to just give up and hand someone else the reigns. I crave a parent, basically. I know what you mean with the practical stuff that's all fine as you say no one else to do it. It's the other stuff for me. The bills, money stuff. Job stuff. And the parent passing on how to love yourself and value yourself. I neverhad that . I don't think it's easily learned if you're not taught as a child. doable with an awful lot of introspection but very hard and a long process. I don't love myself. I see the good that's for sure, but often veer towards hatred. That's often reflected in my behaviour too. damaging behaviour. I don't know. Its all so sad really. It is just life and my nan used to always say you just have to get on with it. She was right, but how to do that now the rug of my already crap life has been pulled from underneath me? Totally and irredeemably. This isn't a marriage gone wrong. Or a failed exam. This is the 3 most important people in my life, all dead. Gone. No one can replace them and no one else in my life. God I sound pathetic and morbid I really do. I'm happy generally. surprisingly. I cope ok. but then I come home and it's just me, again

OP posts:

LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:32

Thank you. i think i sound very sad too. It sounds mental but my counsellor pointed it out- its my coping mechanism. Instead of feeling it for myself I shut off and see myself from someone else's view and I think how sad. That's a really sad girl. don't know if that makes sense haha. I know it will be ok. I know it won't always be this way. I also know that I am going through some really positive changes that are et to yield results. sort of like a forced introspection time. like my brain knows it needs to sit and feel and think and just 'be' so it's making sure I don't make friends and such just yet because I need to go through this process. I always avoid and shut off. even now my throat hurts because I am trying really hard not to cry. I really appreciate your replies. I suppose sometimes it's nice just to be heard? sometimes I feel invisible. nobody sees me. so its nice for someone to sit and listen (well, read) and acknowledge my feelings as being valid. Thank you

OP posts:

traviata · 30/07/2015 23:33

No you don't sound pathetic, or morbid.

You sound lonely and unhappy, and you have understandable grief for the people you have loved and lost.

It might be worth looking for a mentoring scheme.

or what about adopt-a-grandparent?

LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:35

i think that would be nice. That's my plan, some hobbies to meet people. The problem is I carry around so many many issues. They range from 'love me love me don't leave me' to 'go away from me' and anywhere in between so even though I really want friends and an active life I have no idea what vibes I am actually giving off. quite often it's mentioned that I am stand off ish when I am actually thinking so very different. I need to change my behaviour to be welcoming and not cold. sorry for going on I suppose it all needed to come out. I feel sad for the young girl that I was.

OP posts:

LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:35

i didn't know adopt a grandparent was real?

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 30/07/2015 23:38

It's not easily done, learning how to care for and value yourself, no, but it can be done. Your people have gone and they cannot assist you with this. From what you say, I'm guessing some of what growing could have happened for you was hindered. But you can do this by yourself, with the right support.

I don't want to be nosy, but I am trying to get a picture of your current life; are you working/volunteering? You have dogs, yes? Do you go out with them? Are you getting out and at some level being around/bumping into people is what I'm asking, really.

traviata · 30/07/2015 23:41

That particular adopt-a-grandma website looks very local and looks as though it might be defunct, but a bit of googling might throw up various options.

Or have a look at Age Concern befriending services. This article is good as well.

LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:52

i emailed them but not sure as you say it isn't very clear if it's active. i will look around. I'm actually quite active in the sense that i do what i need to- I did work but I just left there as the bullying was rife. so I need to find a new job wasn't wise to walk out really but it was affecting my mental health. so I was working and will be again soon. yesterday I had a lovely day for myself I signed up to a gym and got half off vouchers for the spa so I went and had a swim and sauna, then a lovely massage and not so lovely wax, came home and relaxed and read my book. so I need to go to my gym and be active but I always take pain meds I know that's really bad but cocodamol they numb me but make me ill and I need to stop smoking. I'm so unfit. so I settle for one or two laps and a sauna as at this point it's about feeling good. I suppose I need to do things that are group activities as it is interaction I miss and need

OP posts:

LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:55

i have been tell if myself this week to do things that make me feel good. Not things i feel i have to do. so instead of forcing myself to the gym to exercise i will just go and have a mini swim as i love water. I'm a real book worm too. The adopt a granny would be wonderful because I am so old headed in the things i like. i don't drink. i like to learn, history, read, documentaries, I like cooking and baking. All sorts. there isn't much i wouldn't enjoy. so common ground would be easy. If that is doable that would be so good for me. guidance. and I have a lot to offer too, I am a really giving person there's not much I wouldn't do for somebody

OP posts:

LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:58

My grammar and spelling is awful sorry. I'm normally murder for correcting people too, I despise bad writing haha. My brain isnt working well really. Should really stop feeling sorry and just get on with it. I have a roof over my head after all and food. I just want a massive cuddle and someone to say it will be ok.

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 31/07/2015 00:00

You could try meetup.com. There are all different groups on there, possibly there'll be one near you you're interested in. My boss has had great times with various groups on there. People are up to all kinds, crafty, history, walking, socialising, languages, yoga, everything.

LadyLu87 · 31/07/2015 00:09

Really? I will look into that and age concern tomorrow. That article was good, that's how I feel. It's the small things. My nan making chips egg and beans and moaning about it but doing it all the same. Or saying things that made me laugh. The Liz Jones article we always read and mocked her love life. Silly things. Her language! She was a scouser and a common phrase was 'yer daft bastard ye'. (Yes that was my wonderful nan haha). No one can replace any of them. But surely someone can be company. When all is said and done, I feel incredibly sad. Crippled by grief sometimes. Right now it feels like my heart really hurts, physically. Why those three? Why all three? The three most important ones? But overall I feel positive in that I know I will be ok and life will tick on. It's just finding a way to ease the sadness isn't it. To have someone there and ease the loneliness. It helps.

OP posts:

LadyLu87 · 31/07/2015 00:15

To try and answer your question- I will be working again soon, I do go out for the dogs etc, the shops, sauna and swimming, or whatever needs doing. But there's no solid routine and actual socialising. Not quite a hermit but not really far off. I do what I have to. I suppose I could do with writing down a routine to stick to. Things to do each day to keep balanced. I like my own company a lot. (Just not this much) but I need to en corporate social activities. I want to dance and do yoga. Also want to go back to mixed martial arts when I get healthy again.

OP posts:

julesldn · 31/07/2015 00:16

Didn't want to read and run.. Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time :(

Maybe go to your Gp and discuss how you're feeling? They might be able to offer you more therapy/another alternative to help you through this difficult time.

I was also going to suggests befriending a elderly member of society through a charity as I know they're in need and helping people can make you feel needed and loved. Also I'm sure there'll be lots of time to have a cup of tea and chat which is so important.

Likewise, some sort of hobby group? Maybe a local book group? Or you could go to your local library and see if anything takes your fancy there, even if it's volunteering for a few hours?

Hope you find some things that help you get through this time ????????

LadyLu87 · 31/07/2015 00:25

library volunteering sounds good. Not so keen on the docs they either dose me up or send me to stuck up psychiatrists. The counselling i had was through college and was wonderful but it took 6 sessions to be able to trust and open up on a proper level but she was truly wonderful, the only healthcare professional apart from one doctor who was amazing, who has been any good. I have a history of mental health issues so this sort of stuff is a familiar road for me. I am going back in sept to do my maths gcse so that I can do my nursing degree next year so I can get 6 more final sessions with her. But library is great idea I adore books. also like you say they may have groups there too. Thank you!

It's hard to understand that people can be so kind as to take time to reply to me, a stranger. It is a really kind thing to do because it really does help. And none of you have to do it, you just do. That in itself has made me feel better. There are good people out there

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 31/07/2015 00:27

Ahhhh love, I know you said the counseling helped, but it seems to me you could do with talking to someone again? with losing your job on top of everything else I'm not surprised you feel over whelmed

LadyLu87 · 31/07/2015 00:34

Oh yes I agree I definitely need more sessions but because the college is off for summer she isn't in. So I will have my last 6 sessions in sept. Mind you I wonder if the GP can refer me for counselling? I don't really want another counsellor though, she was really good and it took so long to warm up properly and go through every single thing. My life could fit in a book and then some and I would have to go through all that again and I don't know if I can. And what if she's a one off and they are a wanker? I had counselling years ago the woman was useless. This one is amazing she even mirrors my body language so her empathy is right up there it just makes me feel at ease with her. Im definitely overwhelmed that's for sure. I'm not very good at life haha! The ins and outs, bills, money, it just goes over my head. I suppose I'm often sidetracked with this neurotic personality of mine haha

OP posts:

littlebluecar · 31/07/2015 00:34

You need to be an age concern befriendeder, my dad does it and loves it though as he ages he gets older than his clients:) you would be a breath of fresh air.

I have a friend pretty much your age and pretty much isolated for difficult reasons, she is a lovely person but finds it so hard to bond with peers. It makes me sad:( pm me if you want to talk - maybe you could buddy up and kick each others' arses:)

LadyLu87 · 31/07/2015 00:37

It took 6 sessions before I really opened up. Then another 12 to go through my story. And I just about finished. It would take a lot of strength to do all that again. But the benefits really are wonderful. I used to scoff at counselling until I met a good counsellor!

OP posts:

LuckyBitches · 31/07/2015 13:16

"i like to learn, history, read, documentaries, I like cooking and baking. All sorts. there isn't much i wouldn't enjoy"

What about going back into education? It seems like an obvious step to me, although of course finance is increasingly an issue.

I'm sorry to hear you've got so much grief to deal with, OP. And I don't think signing up for a degree will fill the gaps that have been left by losing the people you love, but it could give you a real sense of purpose. And you might enjoy yourself, which is the most important thing, IMO.

Lolimax · 31/07/2015 13:22

Hi op. Your local Cvc- county voluntary council will have a voluntary bureau. It's a good one stop shop to start volunteering. For example with us you could volunteer in a local hospital, with older people, in youth clubs etc...I agree you sound lonely but understandably so given the shit cards life has dealt you. Hope today is better x

minmooch · 31/07/2015 13:26

I wanted to say I hear you. I lost my son to cancer last year. My mum to cancer this year. I am lost and lonely too. No partner. But I have another son to help. I have a dog and two cats and they bring me love. I wish somebody could scoop me up and look after me entirely for a while. Just until the strength returned.

I hear you.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.