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my grief is like a deep dark black hole

(29 Posts)
kandykat Wed 08-Jul-15 23:31:12

when you fall to the bottom it is so dark, so dark you cannot see a thing
like being at the bottom of a deep deep well

when you managed to claw your way up a bit, and struggle on, carry on, sometimes you can see the light above, your not in the light but you can see it in the distance

after a lot of time, and a lot of trying you can actually climb out of the hole, but your never far from the hole, your always standing beside it, waiting to fall in at any moment, all it takes is an insensitive comment or a sharp reminder and within an instant, you are right at the very bottom of the deep dark hole.

and so much energy goes into purely exisiting, so much energy and strength it takes to get through the days
even on good days my heart aches and is deeply deeply sad
and yet I will continue to strive to make my life and the life of your sister and brother and father the best and happiest and best I can make it

just know dearest beautiful son, I love you, I miss you, I think of you every single day, I spend as much head space on you as I do your brother and sister, which is as you know, alot because you children are my world, everyday I wish you were here with us, all of us together, enjoying simple things like watching a film, having a cuddle, reading you a story, seeing your face, so perfect
and all the great times I wanted to share with you like taking you sledging, taking you on holiday, swimming with you, playing with you, birthdays and Christmas's
just want you to know how very much I love you and miss you
I will miss you forever
love mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

kandykat Wed 08-Jul-15 23:40:21

also I want you to know, I always think how would have your life turned out, what thing would have you been into, what toys and games would you like
would you like rides in theme parks or would they scare you
would you like pets what food would you have liked
what sort of man would you become, what job would you do, would you get married, would you have children, what would you call those children, would they be boys or girls
so many things I wonder and they are all about you

I kind of imagine you would have like the toys we have in the house, like your big sisters sylvanian collection! your little brother loves them
I imagine you would have liked all the foods we do and a cheeky takeaway on a Saturday
I imagine you would have loved theme parks rides like the rest of us
I know you would enjoy stories and reading
everyone loves them

I just want you to know your loved and missed so very, very much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Flyingflit Wed 08-Jul-15 23:43:10

No words, just flowers

Havinganose Wed 08-Jul-15 23:44:44

So so sorry OP x

GinBunny Wed 08-Jul-15 23:47:55

I'm so sorry for your loss Kandy

I have just finished bereavement counselling and found it helped me so so much. Please speak to your GP to see if you can be referred. It's the most heartbreaking time to lose anyone, but a child... please reach out for professional help.

sheswallowedafly Wed 08-Jul-15 23:48:55

(((((OP))))) you have brought a tear to my eye. Your beautiful boy would have turned into a wonderful man with all the love you are pouring into him. X

kandykat Thu 09-Jul-15 13:41:17

Thankyou for reading And your kind words xxxx

LuckyBitches Thu 09-Jul-15 14:05:18

flowers xxxxxxx flowers

Lilybensmum1 Thu 09-Jul-15 14:12:27

Your post made me cry kandy I'm so sorry for your awful loss, their are no words. I hope you are looking after yourself. flowers.

MadameJosephine Thu 09-Jul-15 14:17:19

I'm so so sorry, your post brought me to tears. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. I hope you find the strength you need to cope with this terrible loss xxxflowers

BeaufortBelle Thu 09-Jul-15 14:23:15

How old was your son? Mine was only with me for a few hours but I sit at his grave sometimes, far less than I used to, and imagine how he would have grown. In my mind he's a bit shorter than DS2, a bit quieter and a bit darker. He would have been 18 last month. Eventually my love the pain eases and the abyss grows smaller whilst the happier times are mire frequent and last longer. He will always be your boy and there will always be a gap but the pain heals.

It doesn't seem like it will get better in the early days but it will. With love.

kandykat Thu 09-Jul-15 14:42:53

He only lived for 15minutes, makes for harsh reading on his death certificate, died age age 15minutes old, he had massive heart problems that couldn't be fixed

he would be three years old now and getting ready to start preschool in September.
Such a life changing thing to have happened

Bb thanks for telling me that, how long did it take before you started to manage a bit better? I am doing better than the early early days
Did you think my loss was more recent than three years?

kandykat Thu 09-Jul-15 14:47:45

Thank you for reading and hearing me guys flowers

TheWitchwithNoName Thu 09-Jul-15 14:49:40

flowers

Yourfrenchiscrap Thu 09-Jul-15 14:54:29

How heartbreaking for you all. I'm so sorry. Take refuge in close family and friends. Tell them how you feel and let them help you heal. Xx

BeaufortBelle Thu 09-Jul-15 15:44:36

Exactly the same as my little boy, ds2 then. It's heartbreaking but you are doing really well. It will always be a part of you and so will he. It's wonderful there are forums like this nowadays to talk about it and find support.

My other children, dd was born 51 weeks later, have been my strength and joy.

Thinking if you. With love xx

BeaufortBelle Thu 09-Jul-15 15:46:31

No, I didn't know how recent but you are still dong the hard yards. As my children left infancy the distance became greater. I can't quite put my finger on it.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity Thu 09-Jul-15 15:47:44

So sad, thinking of you.

BlueSkyandRain Thu 09-Jul-15 21:19:46

I could've written your post OP. Except you've put it into words so much better than I could. Just wanted you to know you're not alone flowers

BeaufortBelle Thu 09-Jul-15 21:32:06

I'll second Blueskyandrain. Great name btw. You OK op?

There are lots of us out here to chat on the bad days. Just never together in rl. ))hug((

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Thu 09-Jul-15 21:37:14

So sorry op. Such a moving post, really beautiful to read (I hope that comes across in the way it's meant). flowers

Dismalfuckers Thu 09-Jul-15 21:41:35

It's shite. Awful.

If it were me, I'd like to think that he'd hate fairground rides and <yuk> pistachio ice cream, and love three chord pop punk and chocolate..

kandykat Thu 09-Jul-15 23:01:57

bluesky flowers for you too
its not like me for people say I put things well

bb I'm ok thanks, bit brighter today, my youngest is 21 months, so maybe when I get past the baby toddler stage it will feel a bit easier

thanks to everyone for reading, it does mean a lot to me, esp people thinking its beautiful, I'm not used to people thinking my writing is moving as I'm certainly not the most eloquent person on the planet

Wotsitsareafterme Thu 09-Jul-15 23:09:32

Beautiful heartbreaking post. It made me think very hard about not taking my dc for granted and cherishing every moment with them. Thank you x

WinterBabyof89 Thu 09-Jul-15 23:22:34

I'm sorry to read about the loss of you DS kandykat .. I've yet to go through the baby/toddler phase after losing a baby so can't relate to your situation (although everybody deals with grief/loss differently of course).

I think the content of your post is highly accurate for me atm - feeling like you're never too far away from that 'hole' if you will.. And when you do fall in it is all consuming & the pain feels almost as raw as it did when it happened.

It would have been my DDs first birthday this month &, although I've dealt with this year rather amazingly (if I don't say so myself!), I cry every time I think about it. Shed more tears this month than I have in the last ten!

Lovely post - I needed a bit of reflection time so thank you smile

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