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Regretting not going to my grandpa's funeral

(9 Posts)
buttonmoonboots Thu 02-Jul-15 08:23:35

I didn't go to my grandpa's funeral because I was a teenager and I thought I wanted to remember him alive. I regret this now as I didn't say goodbye or hear people talking about him and in a way I don't feel like he's dead, just that he left.

Something brought his death up for me recently and I have cried about it for the first time in 21 years. He was a lovely kind man which cannot be said of any other men in my family.

I don't know how to go about saying goodbye. I don't know where his grave is and there's no one I can ask but if I find out and go there will that help?

Slippersmum Thu 02-Jul-15 10:58:06

We are different people at different stages in our lives. The person you were back then is not who you are today. You made that decision at that time and it was right for you then. I look back at choices I made when I was younger and think wtf was I thinking. Please don't regret this you can't change it. I would go to the grave, you could write a letter and leave it there or sit down in front of the grave and tell him how you feel. I often do that with my Dad. Maybe put something on the grave that will last, something he liked, an angel, a candle in a holder that can be lit. Anything that will help you. But don't regret the choices of that younger you, regret weights you down and serves no purpose. Please try and let it go. He would not want you to feel this way.

Mojito100 Thu 02-Jul-15 11:33:54

Where I live you can contact cemeteries and they can tell you if the individual has a spot there. Maybe the same thing happens in the UK so you could touch base with those cemeteries near where he lived as a starting point.

I also agree. Don't regret the choices you have made. Accept them as being right for you at that time.

buttonmoonboots Thu 02-Jul-15 13:19:43

Thanks so much for your replies, I appreciate them hugely.

Contacting local cemeteries is a good starting point, felt a bit paralysed and clueless so thanks for giving me a way to start.

The letter is a lovely idea, thank you. I've contacted Cruse as well and am on the waiting list to talk to someone.

buttonmoonboots Thu 02-Jul-15 13:43:38

Three phone calls later, I have got his cemetary and grave number. I'm glad I rang people rather than sending a cheque to a council as they were happy to do searches/tell me who to call/etc.

Mojito100 Thu 02-Jul-15 14:44:20

Wonderful news. No matter how recent or distant the passing of a loved one is we all need to grieve. This takes time and patience for yourself and those around you.

Be kind to yourself and don't let anyone make you feel you shouldn't be going through the stages of grief at the time you are. Remember you are because it is the right time. Also allow yourself to put away the emotions if it becomes overwhelming as it can. It's a lengthy process that I'm not sure ever truly ends.

buttonmoonboots Thu 02-Jul-15 15:59:14

Thanks Mojito, I appreciate the kind words. Have some really personal ideas of things to do.

Slippersmum Thu 02-Jul-15 21:03:46

Totally agree about taking it in your own time. Grief is such an individual thing. I had some grief counselling and she suggested setting aside a time to think of the people I had lost (lost my family at the same time) and allow myself to go with the emotions. Punch a pillow, put loud music on, scream if you want to. (These were her suggestions). I have got to say though it was helpful. I mostly sobbed but I did feel a bit better afterwards. It needs to come out, if not it gets repressed and then it seeps into other areas of your life without you even knowing. I am so glad you have found where he is. I really do wish you all the best and know that we are here if you need us.

buttonmoonboots Fri 03-Jul-15 02:56:51

Thank you so much for your kind words.

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