Advice on whether to mention baby who died now new baby is here

[RockCrushesLizard]

I'm looking for some advice on what would be range best approach in these circumstances.

A friend of mine had a baby boy, who was born at six months after discovering he had a condition not compatible with life (being deliberately vague).

She has just had a healthy, full term baby, and I was wondering whether it would be better to mention her previous baby (and if so what to say) or whether that would be adding unnecessary sadness to a happy time?
I know many bereaved people Prefer to talk about the person they lost, but I just want her to know I'm not ignoring her son, but do want to send my love for the new baby?

Can anyone help me not put my foot in it?

[RockCrushesLizard]

The first line should be "the best approach" not range...

[RockCrushesLizard]

Anyone? I'd like to send her a message soon, and want it to be a good moment for her.

[TheTravellingLemon]

It's a tough one because I think it depends very much on personality. If it'd an initial congratulations message I wouldn't mention it. I would ask her face to face though how she was coping, but maybe a bit later.

[mayfridaycomequickly]

I agree Lemon I'd go with congratulations in a message then, when you see her face to face, say you're so happy for them, especially after everything they went through with xxx (if they named the baby they lost)

[imip]

Yes, definitely. I lost my first baby and those that remembered my first dds when my next dd was born are held very close to my heart.

Do call their first baby by name. Remember his birthday/around the time he was born.

Even now (my dd would have been 9.5), I am so happy when people mention. They do it subtly. I've had five dcs, but four surviving, and when we talk about having babies, they mention that I've had 5. It's really just the little, thoughtful comments that really count iyswim.

[RockCrushesLizard]

Thank you all for your thoughts - I agree it depends on personality a lot.

I thought maybe "congratulations on another beautiful boy. So glad you're all safe and well xx"

Would that be nice/not hurtful?

[tribpot]

There was another thread about this a while back, and I think the advice then was (depending on the person of course) perhaps to refer to the baby as 'a younger brother/sister' but I can't quite remember the suggested phrasing.

The overall advice of the thread was to mention the other baby and not to pretend that this must be an occasion of complete delight, but to acknowledge the very difficult feelings that accompany a birth in such circumstances.

[PaigeMahoney]

I was in the same situation as your friend (lost a boy at 6months due to medical abnormalities) then had DS a year later. I would have appreciated your wording OP at 17.31. I would have been so pleased to have it recognised that my second surviving child is actually DC3. You sound like a sensitive and caring friend, your friend is lucky to have you.

[RockCrushesLizard]

Thank you - that's good advice

[buttonmoonboots]

A friend lost her first DC in a similar way and did want people to mention it. The kinds of messages she appreciated were things along the lines of:

Congratulations on the birth of DC2. I'm holding DC1 in my heart and thoughts today too.

[buttonmoonboots]

But with names obviously!

[StoryOfMyLife]

Yes mention her other child. I e just had dd3, dd1 died 5 years ago. I received 2 cards this time mentioning my eldest daughter and I was pleased to receive them.

[RockCrushesLizard]

Thank for all your help. As far as I know, the first son wasn't named, or if he was they kept it private, so I can't use his name. I think I'll go with a second lovely boy...

[Isabelonatricycle]

I was in this situation with a friend not long ago, and following advice on here, went with "Congratulations on the birth of X, a beautiful brother to your beloved Y", or words like that, and she said it meant a lot to her that people weren't pretending her son was her first child.

[Isabelonatricycle]

Sorry, cross post - a second lovely boy sounds perfect.

[ChatEnOeuf]

Definitely - especially if she has spoken about the first baby to you. A second lovely boy is a beautiful way to put it.

There's a book called 'Someone Came Before You' which is for children born after a babyloss, I know a lot of people have found it helpful when they have struggled to explain to the subsequent child about their place in the family.