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Memorials or similar not where the person is laid to rest?

(14 Posts)
Enkopkaffetak Mon 29-Jun-15 18:23:58

Is it possible to do some sort of momento/memorial not at a grave yard for someone you have lost?

We live in rented accommodation so not able to plant a tree or similar and my mother was in a different country to me.

I today found out my sister stepdad and niece have picked the gravestone without having consulted me and I feel completely bereft that I was kept out of this decision and as if my mother has died all over again.

I know their thinking was that I was so far away that I couldnt be there. However I would have liked the chance to be there, they didnt even ask.

So Ive sobbed my heart out on both my teenage girls shoulders.. Now I am wondering if I could do something just for me as a memorial for her. Does that exist? I know you can name stars but I would like something that I can see. That I picked that was something that was my opinion.

Any ideas?

purplemurple1 Mon 29-Jun-15 18:39:05

Our mum never wanted a head stone so we have put her name on a bench at a park we visited as kids.

hesterton Mon 29-Jun-15 18:44:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton Mon 29-Jun-15 18:45:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dismalfuckers Sat 04-Jul-15 22:28:01

I was drawn to this thread as I have been wondering about the same thing.

My dad has ordered a headstone for my mum without discussing it with me, and it has upset me very much. It feels as though is m excluded and relegated to a mere bystandersad

I was wondering about something like a bench, or a tree, but just don't know.

PuddingandPie1 Sun 05-Jul-15 10:58:06

It is tricky isn't it! My parents divorced and Dad subsequently remarried. His gravestone doesn't mention his first wife (my Mother) and it surprised and disappointed me that I wasn't even asked about the inscription. Indeed the first I knew about the stone was when I was asked to pay a third of the invoice from the stonemason.

AYearofMinorMiracles Sun 05-Jul-15 11:24:46

Is there anywhere you went to as children? Is there a special place you lived? Did she love a particular flower?
I like those beautiful benches - with an engraving - or rose bushes with a plaque.
Or more personal: my Mum put together a photo-collage of her Mum when she died and my Grandpa loved it so much, he kept it forever.
I am still waiting to get a trinket engraved in memory of my Mum - would that work for you, too? Her favourite saying? What she used to call you?
I hope you find something that uplifts you and helps you remember all the love. Take care.

magimedi Sun 05-Jul-15 11:31:01

I think that a bench with the person's name & dates is a lovely memorial.

I live close to the sea & when I walk along the prom, there are many of these. If I sit down, I always take a moment to look at the name of the person & give them a thought.

PuddingandPie1 Sun 05-Jul-15 11:50:12

I had a bench done for my twin.

Enkopkaffetak Sun 05-Jul-15 12:58:38

The bench may not be a bad idea.

It really was the shock of being completely excluded from it all. It was just mentioned in passing and I was and am very hurt about the fact I was like Dismal says " relegated to a mere bystander" I want to shout out loud " She was MY mum toooo" but it wont change anything.

She lived in Denmark and I live in the UK. Hence I want something here thats for me and my family.

She only visited me 3 times in total (over 25 years) but last time we took her to a NT place that she really liked. It is close to where I live and I can get there within 10 mins. I am considering contacting them to ask if they would do the bench in the garden area there I "think" they had some with dedications.. I know my local Vicar would come and do a blessing for it there.. (would perhaps deal with the whole issue of the priest at her funeral really upset me in something she said I know my local vicar wouldnt do that)

I am also considering telling my stepdad that I want to be allowed to pick a plant to go on the grave It is a bit complex there though as she was laid to rest in the grave his grandparents were burried in. As a small girl I remember going with my "step" grandad up to tend to this grave and I do love the idea she is there where I feel I have connection too as well. However due to this I am unsure if they are having it re "Landscaped" With what happened right now I do not trust myself to talk to him or my sister about it without getting very upset.

FadedRed Sun 05-Jul-15 13:10:09

Sorry for your loss OP flowers
You don't say where you live, but you may find you have a 'Memorial wood' or woodland burial site nearby where you can have a dedicated tree, also the National memorial arboretum in Alrewas Staffordshire have a large area where people can have a dedicated tree with a plaque, doesn't have to be forces related.

Enkopkaffetak Sun 05-Jul-15 13:15:10

I am in Kent so Staf is a bit far smile

halfwayupthehill Thu 09-Jul-15 21:59:39

My Dad just died abroad where he had been living for several years. He had no friends here or there so the funeral was small. I would have liked to have had a memorial service but there would be no one to invite. I too am thinking of a memorial bench but there is no obvious location eg a park he used to visit. He didn't spend much time with us as children and didn't go out much so I cannot think where a bench should go.

Enkopkaffetak Sun 12-Jul-15 14:00:21

That is hard halfway.. Perhaps go with a tree like what is suggested further up? Or somewhere you go regular?

My sister emailed me a picture of the gravestone the other day. I haven't replied to it as I don't know what to say.

I would never have picked that stone if I had been involved. 2 roses at the side are pretty but the shape of the stone I dislike.. Not massively keen on the colour but I guess I could have got used to it..

The font chosen is nice enough.

I think I will contact the NT place and inquire about the bench.

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