Need someone to talk to(7 Posts)
Apologies for long post and not sure of responses or answers i'm looking for but just need to tell someone, anyone...
on the outside i have the post perfect happy life, three wonderful healthy happy children loving caring partner beautiful house which we are renovating at the moment, i work part time and am exhausted trying to juggle everything. But inside i am so so sad and can't tell anyone as if talk about it, it all become real. My father committed suicide when i in my teens and it has never ever been talked about, i went back to school the next day it was my family's way of coping and his name has never really been mentioned since. my children don't even know his name or seen a picture of him a couple of times i have been crying privately and my partner has tried to comfort me but again he is the sort of " pull yourself together old girl" type of person. he has suggested seeing a doctor but i would never ever do that as i don't want to talk to a stranger or take up his time .. my brother and sister never talk about it and we all get along and play happy families.
Then there's my part time job which i hate hate hate but it fits in with the children and brings in a bit of extra money i have no time or energy for my interests or hobbies i have put on two stone in the last year and hate the way i look and the person i have become, lazy and no motivation. I have lots of friends but no one really close, without blowing my own trumpet i always seem to be the one listening to other peoples problems and running around after them but would never burden anyone with mine or ask for help. I have tried really hard to get this across to my partner but he says i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and only i can change the situation. i am fed up of crying in private and then putting a brave face on in public.
When i was younger i did cut myself as i cry for attention but nobody knows. I found an old photo of myself when i as 21 and i look so happy and carefree,successful career and slim and it upsets me to think i'll never be that person again Thanks for reading and i feel much better for writing this down.
I didn't want to read and run!
I can share your sadness about a deceased person not being talked about. My twin died over 50 years ago and neither my school nor the local community accepted my need to mourn Stephen's death. It was fine for my Mum do so - just not me.
You might like to take the initiative by talking to your siblings about what happened. Perhaps they feel the same as you?
You poor thing, this sounds agonising and no wonder you're finding it hard as you've hardly been allowed to process such grief in any way. My instinct is that a support group might be a good place to start, is there one for families affected by suicide? That way you can offer as well as share support and hopefully find people who understand and help you to unload what it's been like.
You could also mention to your siblings if it's going well and say it's helped you to open up more conversation in a gentle way?
And don't even start to think you are any less wonderful for putting weight on, weight is a superficial thing and nothing to do with who you are unless it's upsetting you unduly - in which case could you make very slight changes to eat nourishing foods and feel good about yourself that way? I'm not a believer in diets and have always stayed a size 10 just by eating a normal full-fat old-fashioned satisfying diet (think cheese, eggs, meat, potatoes , veg, fruit, cream, yoghurt, oats- and nothing too packaged).
lammykins I want to give you a very not MN huge hug. You lost your dad in tragic circumstances and it sounds as though you've never had the chance to grieve or come to terms with his death.
Speaking to your GP and accessing a neutral talking therapy would be an excellent idea. Please don't be offended but talking the the Samaritans might be really helpful, I am not suggesting you at risk but I am saying they do have experience in supporting and sign-posting the family left behind 08457 90 90 90.
What you have been through is very traumatic. It is completely normal for you to be feeling this way. You are not taking up people's time by talking about it. You should really reconsider going to the Drs, even for a referral for some counselling or psychologist. Remember these professionals have studied hard to help people in your exact situation. One of my friends df committed suicide. It has affected her greatly. It's ok to not be ok. and a big hug from me.
Please don't feel that you'll be 'taking up your doctor's time'. They want you to get in touch and access their services, which you have every right to do. If you have an unsympathetic GP, ask to see someone else. Also, you could contact Cruse Bereavement Care (0844 477 9400). It doesn't matter that you lost your Dad years ago - it sounds to me as though the loss is still very much in the present (isn't it always?).
I'm better at listening to others than letting them in to my problems too. I think you should let one of those rl friends in and tell them about your Dad. Your friendships will deepen as you share and lean on them - it's not weak, it's a way to process a huge loss rather than let it quietly break your heart. Much love to you op. xx
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