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Conflicting feelings. Grief, guilt and a new baby.

(4 Posts)
imwithspud Sat 13-Jun-15 22:50:14

I lost my beloved granddad seven weeks ago, two weeks ago I gave birth to my second DC.

I feel like I haven't been able to grieve properly. Part of me wants to grieve and mourn but another part of me just wants to enjoy my new baby and forget about everything else. When people try and talk to me about my Granddad or his passing, I don't want to hear it - I sort of just nod along and agree hoping the conversation will come to an end soon. When a family member posts about him on Facebook and tags me in the post, I feel angry. I feel like it's all just going to bring me down and lower my mood. I feel awful for feeling this way. I don't know if it's normal or not. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with the grief and all the hormones and emotions that come with having a new baby. It feels like there's too much all at once and I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with it. I worry about how not grieving properly and pushing it to the back of my mind will affect me long term, but at the same time I feel like it's not something I am able to control. It's utterly selfish, but my instinct is to just focus on my newborn and my toddler and make sure all their needs are met, everything else is taking a back seat.

I feel alone, like no one close to me really understands what it has been like for me to go through someone so awful so late in pregnancy, and then go on to give birth to a wonderful and healthy child just a few weeks later. To go from utter despair and sadness, to complete elation - It's a total mind fuck. It feels wrong, I'm feeling guilty for feeling happy and not grieving like everyone else.

Has anyone else been in this situation or similar? How did you deal? I don't even know if what I'm feeling right now is normal or if I'm just a selfish, horrible person.

Besom Sat 13-Jun-15 22:55:33

Sweetheart I think your grandad would want you to enjoy your new baby. I've not been through this specifically but have experienced grief and all your feelings sound very normal. Give yourself a bit of a break.

imwithspud Sat 13-Jun-15 23:14:35

Thank you, your reply nearly made me cry. I've never really lost anyone close to me before so it's all new to me. I'm probably putting too much pressure on myself.

Jenda Sat 13-Jun-15 23:19:59

I totally agree. I'm sure your Grandad would be absolutely mortified at the thought of you feeling so conflicted. He would be delighted about the new baby! You are being a great mum focusing on your kids. You have to put all your energy in to them and other family members probably have more headspace to give to their grief. I lost my Dad this year and I dealt with it in my own way, Facebook posts don't demonstrate someone is grieving more than someone else if you see what I mean.

Give yourself time to grieve if you need it though. For me I found I preferred to get on with things and then found that it hit me at random points ( like seeing fathers day card in the shops!) Everyone deals with it in their own way and you sound like you're doing well. Surely the greatest tribute to a beloved grandad is to live on and be happy.

sorry for your loss thanks

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