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Your Advice Please??

(20 Posts)
Twinkie Tue 04-May-04 11:41:51

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Twinkie Tue 04-May-04 15:07:46


luvshoes Tue 04-May-04 15:17:11

Tell her, and soon, even though it will be painful for her. The last thing you want is for her to guess or find out from someone else. A terrible thing happened to her and she may well find it difficult to come to terms with your pregnancy but you aren't going to be able to hide it forever (stating the obvious - sorry). I'm amazed you're still in your jeans - when I was preggers with dd2 I looked six months gone from about 6 weeks!

You won't be able to control how she reacts to your news but you can control how she finds out and make it happen in loving, supportive way. By the way, congratulations! Don't forget that you are allowed to be happy about your new baby.

hana Tue 04-May-04 15:18:32

twinkie - you have to tell her, and the longer you leave it (now) the harder it will be. YOur sister and her husband have an awful lot to deal with right now, ut I think the best thing to be is honest and open and take it from there. Of course she's going to find it difficult, but you've got to take the first step. Lots of luck in telling her and with what comes next too.

WSM Tue 04-May-04 15:26:17

Tell her as gently and sensitively as possible. It is better that you volunteer the info than her finding out from another source, as she's likely to feel worse if told by someone else. Your baby is not a shameful secret and you should be allowed to enjoy it without the emotional baggage left over. You can't hide it forever.....

Big hugs and best of luck.

bundle Tue 04-May-04 15:30:28

I would tell her asap. it'll get harder to keep it secret (obviously) and harder to tell her the longer she doesn't know. tell her how you feel and that you know it'll hurt (you & her both), you are all still grieving for her baby I'm sure. I remember telling a friend who has one child about my 2nd pregnancy and felt terribly guilty but you can't pretend it's not happening. good luck, x

Twinkie Tue 04-May-04 15:35:11

But she will make me feel so awful - sounds a horrid thing to say but I just know she will and I don't know if I can be nice and sensible and understanding if she reacts badly!!

I sound a complete cow but even with all the emotions and feelings her husband is experiencing at the moment it took a good long talk from me for her to realise he did have feelings and emotions and was allowed to, rather than just thinking about her and how she will feel with regards to the news that it is down to him what happened to their baby - her immediate reaction is well how do you think I feel rather than how anyone else on the planet feels and I know I should think that she has a right to feel like this but she has been like this about everything in her life so far as long as I can remember and just for once I want her to think of me first rather than me having to be the one treading on eggshells and worrying!!

I know also that people won't react with a oh I'm so happy for you but everyone's first thought will be oh dear what is **** going to say, I do feel almost like it is a shameful secret and the only place I can be happy about it is on here or with DP and one of my friends who knows.

oliveoil Tue 04-May-04 15:37:05

Maybe she guessed that you were pregnant and made the comments as a possible conversation opener, so you could raise the subject with her?

I know what you mean about feeling guilty though, my friend lost her baby and had the same due date as me, she said she doesn't resent me etc but we don't phone as often, but I try and see this as her way of dealing with the situation iyswim.

Sometimes it is easier speaking to family than friends though, you can be more direct about subjects like this. Do you see her regularly?

Blu Tue 04-May-04 15:39:28

I do feel for you in this situation, Twinkie. Could you tell her in a way that shows her that you do not expect her to be able to celebrate in the way that, without her own sad circumstances, she normally would? Let her know that her circumstances are just as deserving of attention as yours? And you acknowledge the situation she is in, so that she knows you are sensitive to it?

My SIl was in hospital for an urgent mastectomy for cancer when DS was born. When I visited, and went to help with her kids, my Mum said 'you're not goimng to feed DS are you?' and in the end I decided it would be patronising to her to pretend I weasn't b/feeding - but that's because I know my SIL, and how she might feel. I thnk you just have to use your knowledge of your S to find the right way to tell her.

gothicmama Tue 04-May-04 15:44:17

You must tell her it probabley won ot b ea s bad you think, my sister dreaded telling me she was but i was ok with it I had mixed emotions but she involved me with everything and I am now a pround Auntie (strangely after holding him I fell prg) so it all worked out but you must be honest and just understand sh e may be hurt but not telling her wil hurt her more

Blu Tue 04-May-04 16:03:48

And, whatever her reaction, it wasn't your duty to remain un-pregnant. Don't expect her to be generous in her response, but don't let it drag you down. As someone said, you do have a right to be happy about your pg, and your baby deserves you to look forward to him/her without any feelings about your sisters circumstances.

Twinkie Tue 04-May-04 16:07:10

Thanks all, will wait until after my scan and them break it to her - I want DP to be there just n case she flys off the handle but he is trying to get out of it ying that he won't be able tobe sensitive to how she feels - I just feel a bit put upon with this at the moment like I have to be aware of how everyone else feels and sort of discount how I feel!!

Once again thanks!!

arab Tue 04-May-04 16:10:20

Hunny, what is it about you that means you can't have it easy? I am sorry that your sister is finding things hard (and Iwould be too in her shoes I am sure) but this is about you, you have to tell her and if she reacts badly do your utmost to be calm and controlled, point out that this is about you not her and that obviously it is not contrived to upset her, then leave it, let her digest things, it will be increadibly hard for her, and I don't thin i could be rational if I were her. Yet again you need to be the strong grown up one.

So sorry, just remember, hard as iti is for her, this is your bit of good news, don't let this spoil it (and don't let her find out for herself-nothing could be more hurtful IMO)

Marina Tue 04-May-04 16:11:31

Lots of good advice here Twinkie, but a very difficult situation for you. I agree with the others that it may be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but telling her before she finds out will allow you to hopefully keep control of the situation. Good luck and good luck with your scan too.

secur Tue 04-May-04 16:12:22

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secur Tue 04-May-04 16:12:57

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Twinkie Tue 04-May-04 16:14:28

God do I know you???

I just don't want to have to be the big grown up strong one for once - sorry getting a bit sad and emotional - hormones!!

I know it is going to be hard for her but I always have to think of how people are going to act or take things and this time just fior once I don;t want to have to - I don't have the courage and energy to go through this.

I also think that she will very much try and be a big part of my life when she knows - I see her perhaps 2 times a month and that will definately increase and I think she will probably try and be a bigger part once DD/DS is born - I had that before with x2bs mother and this time I just want it to be DP, DD and I but I know telling her this will hurt her and I feel that I am the one who is going to have to back down and let her do what she wants reagradless of this being a huge thing in my life.

Twinkie Tue 04-May-04 16:15:10

I obviously do know you ha ha secure!!

cazzybabs Tue 04-May-04 16:21:05

I remember reading about your sister and having a few tears in my eye at the time. Good luck in telling her - but just keep thinking if you where her you would like to know wouldn't you and I am sure she will love her neice/nephew. And you are her sister and she loves you too.

secur Tue 04-May-04 16:27:48

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