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My baby was born asleep at 20 weeks and one day

(27 Posts)
ButtonBowden Sun 07-Jun-15 18:30:23

I am wondering if anyone has any experience of or advice on telling my 9yr old and 11 year old about their lost sibling or on how to arrange a funeral for a baby. My children were not aware of the pregnancy as we had kept it quiet as my sister lost a baby recently. I want my children to know about their sibling but I cannot bear the idea of their pain and I am not feeling very strong at the moment.

Any advice would be great,

thanks x

Lolimax Sun 07-Jun-15 18:33:19

I don't know how to tell them but just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and the pain you must be feeling. Xx

123rd Sun 07-Jun-15 18:35:42

Same as Loli. Really sorry for your loss

ajandjjmum Sun 07-Jun-15 18:36:00

So sorry.

Maybe get some guidance on how to handle this - I think Edward's Trust help siblings?

KittyandTeal Sun 07-Jun-15 18:42:43

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I recently lost dd2 at 22 weeks.

The hospital can often organise a funeral for you, they did for us. Otherwise there should be someone at the hospital to advise you on how to arrange a hospital. Your baby will not need to be registered.

Has anyone given you any information about sands? They have great info on what happens after you suffer a stillbirth and how to tell siblings in age appropriate ways.

Did you name your baby or have a chance to spend any time with them? Our hospital gave us a beautiful memory box with prints and photos, this might be something you could share with your other children when you feel ready.

My dd1 was 2.5yo at the time and was also not aware there was a baby on the way. I have explained in very simple terms that Rose was her sister and she was supposed to live with us but she died and so now she can't, this make mummy and daddy sad. She has seen photos but tbh she's not interested atm

I would really urge you to have a look at sands. I don't know the circumstances around your baby's stillbirth but my dd2 had Edwards, I have found arc (antenatal results and choices) also wonderful although they specialise in women who have lost babies (or carried to term) who have been diagnosed with abnormalities. If this is the case for your baby I would also suggest arc.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 07-Jun-15 18:45:19

Very very sorry to hear of your loss. sad thanks are useful for helping children deal with bereavement, hope you can find something useful there.

Love and strength to all of you who have suffered this particular heartrending loss.

imsorryiasked Sun 07-Jun-15 18:48:14

Im so sorry for your loss.
I have no real advice on how to tell your children but perhaps you could say that you were hoping to be able to share some good news but sadly can't - just so they don't feel that they have been left out?
But in respect of a funeral for your baby you can speak to a funeral director - there is generally no charge for their service.

MargoReadbetter Sun 07-Jun-15 18:48:44

Very sorry to hear about your loss. Have you heard of SANDS? You may be able to get good info and support from them.

ButtonBowden Sun 07-Jun-15 18:55:51

Thank you all for you kind thoughts.

Kitty, our baby too had suspected Edwards along with a diaphragmatic hernia. Sadly we are still awaiting test results to know if our baby was baby Jack or baby Lily. Hopefully we will know soon. Another reason it will be hard to tell my boys as they are bound to ask if baby was a boy or girl.

We are arranging our own funeral but I just don't know what we should arrange. In all honestly I would just love to bring baby home to be with our family.

MargoReadbetter Sun 07-Jun-15 19:00:34

We had a small humanist service. It was just us, DS, two friends and two grandparents. It was a beautiful autumn morning. Very peaceful. I'm sorry you're going through this.

DixieNormas Sun 07-Jun-15 19:27:12

Im very sorry for your loss. We lost ds4 at 20 weeks due to incompetant cervix.

Ds1 &2 knew I was pg, ds3 was only 6 momths old so too young. We told ds2 9 at the time that he had been born too early and small to survive. Both him and ds3 were early, so he understood. ds1 was 17 so knew what happened.

we phoned the local funeral directors to arrange the funeral. They were really helpful.

DixieNormas Sun 07-Jun-15 19:29:23

We did have yo pay for the funeral service as he was born under 24 weeks, although I have heard some places don't charge in some areas

KittyandTeal Mon 08-Jun-15 19:55:54

Button I'm so sorry to hear that. Edwards in an awful illness (I know strictly speaking it's not an illness but I think of it that way)

Arc really are wonderful then, as are sands, I have found most comfort with arc though. I had a tfmr after a pretty bad 21 week scan, it's comforting to talk to others who have been through the same and had to make similar decisions.

I'm so glad you have picked names out, although I imagine waiting is really hard. We found out the sex at our 18week scan so already knew but it was confirmed with the amnio we had.

There really is nothing like that ache to have your baby with you, it's the most devastating feeling. It does change a bit though, I'm 5 months on now and the ache is still there but it feels different somehow. I have even had a few times of thinking about Rose and smiling rather than crying. I never thought that would happen.

ButtonBowden Mon 08-Jun-15 19:57:41

Thank you for all your messages.
Found out today that our baby was a girl. So at last we can give her a name.
Rest peacefully baby Lily

KittyandTeal Mon 08-Jun-15 19:59:38

A beautiful name button. I'm glad you got that answer fairly quickly.

KnitFastDieWarm Mon 08-Jun-15 20:03:12

What a gorgeous name flowers

ButtonBowden Mon 08-Jun-15 20:03:34

Thank you Kitty. We also had a tfmr but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I so wish things had been different. We spent alot of time with her after she was born and I have lots of lovely memories and photos. But I still miss seeing her and holding her, photos are just not the same. We need to plan her funeral now and I really don't know what is for the best.

ButtonBowden Mon 08-Jun-15 20:06:19

I can smile when I think of holding her and kissing her little nose, then it hurts when I think that I will never hold her again. I plan to see her again before the funeral but I am scared of having to say goodbye.

spanky2 Mon 08-Jun-15 20:52:06

I didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry for your

ButtonBowden Tue 09-Jun-15 00:46:17

Thank you kitty and KfDW,
I am getting used to calling our baby Lily and it feels nice. I have an appointment with funeral directors tomorrow to start planning the funeral.
How do you mums keep going with all of the usual stuff when your heart keeps dragging you back to the same thing? Xxxx

ButtonBowden Tue 09-Jun-15 00:52:41

Thank you Spanky2.

KittyandTeal Tue 09-Jun-15 08:34:13

It sounds like we are in similar situations then buttons.

I regards to so ing normal life things, I didn't for a few weeks. I tried hard to put on a smiley face for dd1 but didn't manage it really. I regularly took time out to cry and rage, I started running and booked in and started seeing a specialist counsellor.

Loosing a baby, especially to an abnormality and having to make a decision about a tfmr, is a different kind of grief to loosing someone you have had for years and built memories with. I would suggest you look into talking to someone specialist if you think talking is something you can do (I know some people find it very uncomfortable)

Raffertys Thu 11-Jun-15 18:05:28

Rest in peace beautiful Lily xx flowers

Levismum Thu 11-Jun-15 18:11:50

flowers for you op... RIP little Lily. X X X

ButtonBowden Thu 11-Jun-15 20:24:57

Thank you.

Lily's funeral is on Monday and I think I have arranged most things. I have been visiting her in the Chapel of Rest and I will miss not being able to visit her after the funeral.
I have told my boys about their sister and we are finding a way through together.
Picking music for the funeral was a very painful experience.
I seem to have ok times and very very low times.

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