DD's best friend's mum has died

[QueenWitch]

My DD and her best friend are both 13. BF's mum has just died, she had cancer. She has spent a lot of time here since DD met her last year and we all love her to bits. My heart is breaking for her. DD is so upset for her and worried as BF was very close to her mum and has been bullied at school, suffers from anxiety and depression and has said that she can't go on without her mum. I never met her mum sadly but we want to help BF as much as we can.

BF has asked DD to attend the funeral with her. I would like to go as too as DD has never been to a funeral before and I want to be there to support them both if I can. DD is going to check if that's ok.

She knows I post on MN and has asked me to post for some advice on how best to support her friend. She is very scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting her but also wants to help as much as she can.

I feel so desperately sad for her, 13 is such a terrible age to be going through the loss of your mum. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[BackforGood]

My heart breaks for her.
One of my dd's close friends Mum's died when they were 8/9. It was heartbreaking, but even then I felt so much for his teenage older siblings, as it's such a difficult age to just 'be' without this.
I don't think there is anything she should worry about saying - she just needs to 'be there', to listen when her friend wants to talk, and to just talk about "normal" things when she doesn't want to dwell / when she wants to be distracted.
Perhaps talk with your dd about what to do if there is anything in school that is making her friend more upset - who she should talk to, where she should go, and - importantly - that she will be doing the best thing to support her friend by letting the appropriate staff member know when she's struggling.


I'm sure it will be fine for you to accompany your dd to the funeral.

[millymae]

Your daughter sounds like a lovely caring friend OP and as BackforGood says I don't think she needs to worry about the saying the wrong thing.

You don't mention the girl's father, but would it be possible for you to make contact with him (if you haven't done so already, and difficult I know, when you have never met the family) and say that as the mum of his daughter's best friend is there anything at all he thinks you could do to help his daughter.

[Raffertys]

You and your DD sound like wonderful, caring people. My heart goes out to your DD's friend

I lost my mum at 15. It was very traumatic and sudden. I have very few memories from around the time, but what I do remember is my friends just being there. Trying to help me do normal things. Looking out for me when I eventually went back to school. My friend's mums used to make meals for my dad and I.

I agree with milly, can you make contact with the girl's father or other family?

I remember one of the very hardest parts was when my dad and I were left alone after the funeral. That was it; all over. It was an immensely sad time. Your DD being there for the funeral, as you mention, and afterwards will be immensely valuable.

Your lovely DD may need support as well but you sound like you are well on top of that. She may feel like she's not having much of an effect on her friend or maybe not helping her as much as she could; trust me that her friend will remember her support in the years to come.

Much love