Still feel angry and guilty

[ThisIsMyNameToday]

I've name changed for this.

In June it will be 2 years since my DS2's father committed suicide. We weren't together anymore but he saw DS regularly.

I'm still so, so angry with him. He's left me to cope totally alone. I'm solely responsible for making every decision re DS. And now it's compounded by the fact that it's looking increasingly likely that DS has SNs.

DS is still young (he was a baby when his dad died) but I dread the day I have to explain.

I also feel guilty. The split was hard and we were both pretty horrible to each other. And then something terrible happened which was probably the proverbial straw. I can't talk about what happened because it was in the media and included in a documentary last year (hence the name change). But I wonder, if I hadn't been so horrible to him, would he have been able to cope with what happened?

I still can't believe he did it. I still can't quite grasp that he no longer exists. And I can't believe he didn't think of either of us and the effect it would have on us for the rest of our lives.

[holeinmyheart]

Oh you poor thing. You have had a hard time. But you know what, your xDh was an adult and it was his decision.
People have been though incredible hardships and not committed suicide.

You are absolutely not to blame for what he did. In fact your feelings of guilt may be getting in the way of your going forward and getting some peace.

You only have one life and so do your DCs. You owe it to yourself now to try and be happy. Your DC has already lost his DF. Don't let him lose you to a life of misery and regret.
YOU were NOT responsible.
Xxx hugs