Coping strategies needed, please

[PingPongBat]

Mum died just over 4 weeks ago. I've coped with the funeral, Mother's Day & MIL's birthday. But we are going to see my PILs at Easter with our 2 DCs, & I'm absolutely dreading it. I can't bear the thought of being with them. It's nothing to do with them, it's me. Being around MIL/granny when the other granny - my mum - has died, is already bringing it all back into focus, just staring me in the face. I've told DH I'm dreading it, & I think he understands, but how the hell am I going to cope without upsetting anyone?

[GrannyGoggles]

Oh dear Ping, might you be excused, as a family or just you? How do you get on with PiLs generally? MiL in particular, will she be appropriately empathetic? She may be wanting to help and to be kind. And then, actually, dear girl, consider that they should all be on eggshells re how best they can support you. Allow yourself to put your own needs first, coping is admirable, accepting care and kindness works too.

[PingPongBat]

Thank you. I don’t think I could be excused. And we haven’t seen them since Christmas which is much longer than we usually leave it. They are 300 miles away & we are their only family – both have no siblings and there are no other grandchildren. Oddly I think staying away would be harder – there would be conversations in the future reminding me of how I didn’t make it this Easter, and the DCs would have tales of things they did which I wouldn’t be involved in, which I would find difficult too.

I’m absolutely sure that MIL will want to be kind and caring, and in a way that’s what might make it harder. PIL was incredibly emotional at the funeral and I wanted to push him away – it was MY mother, I was the one who was allowed to be upset, why should I have to deal with his grief when he’s not even a ‘proper’ relation of ours??? etc etc –totally unreasonable? yes, but this was my gut reaction at the time. I resent having to think about other people's feelings in relation to my mother, it's too raw for me. I'm putting on a brave face in RL, but inside I'm a mess.

Added difficulty is that PIL has liver/stomach cancer but we are not really sure what his prognosis is. This time last year he was in hospital with an infection and he’s had all sorts of operations and chemo etc, told us last summer he was ‘in remission’ but he currently looks very unwell. There’s talk of fluid build-up in his abdomen because of the tumours & he’s very jaundiced. So I think if I stayed away - well, I’m not exactly sure how that would be seen.

[PingPongBat]

I'm aware that my post sounded really self centred and selfish but it's how I feel.

[GrannyGoggles]

Heck, you're not being a bit unreasonable, or self centred or selfish, you're in the midst of a shitstorm.

What support have you got in RL? FiL is clearly v poorly, massive stress all round, and it sounds as though it's not being discussed or addressed. Horrible time for you all, particularly hard when you're trying to process the loss of your mum.

You sound as though you will cope, please leave the 'upsetting' people thing to one side. It's ok to be upset!