Father is seriously unwell

(11 Posts)
IamNotsureatall Fri 20-Mar-15 11:44:28

and yest I feel emotionally detached. Is this normal?

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IamNotsureatall Fri 20-Mar-15 11:44:53

sorry-yet not yest

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SirVixofVixHall Fri 20-Mar-15 11:48:37

Yes. It all can feel rather unreal I think, and detatchment is a protective mechanism. You might find it hits you at an unexpected moment, that if your Dad dies , you get through the funeral and then fall to pieces, everyone reacts slightly differently. My own Dad was ill for a long time (progressive degenerative disease) but then when he died it felt so sudden and shocking that I was coping one minute and floored the next.
I am sorry you are going through this. flowers.

IamNotsureatall Fri 20-Mar-15 11:49:53

thank you very much for your words and for taking the time. Typing it down seems to make it more real.

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SirVixofVixHall Fri 20-Mar-15 11:58:30

Is he definitely going to die? If you don't mind me asking that (because you have posted in bereavment). I somehow found the strength to get through the funeral without a tear, but sobbed all the way home (two hour journey). My stalwart coper of an older brother went completely to pieces, even drove right through a red light on the way to the funeral, and somehow that made me pull it together and stay detatched enough to be strong for him and my (frail, elderly) Mum. Organising the funeral was tough, but in unexpected ways. I was fine choosing the coffin, but heartbroken by one little comment from my little dd. Honestly it is just very unpredictable just how and when grief will hit. My only advice is to be as kind to yourself as you can right now, and take any support offered. Look after your own health (I came down with very nasty kidney infection a month after my Dad died, which is apparently not uncommon). Try and rest up when you can, book things to look forward to in the future, like a weekend away or a little treat, eat well and spend time with friends who make you feel cared for and don't drag you down. Losing a parent is a huge shock and rocks you in very fundamental ways, so treat yourself very gently. I wish you strength and support.

IamNotsureatall Fri 20-Mar-15 12:03:44

thank you- there's no guarantee that he's dying soon, but he is quite elderly and unwell so it is a possibility. I just wanted to know if there was a way of preparing for the inevitable

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Loveallmyboys Fri 20-Mar-15 12:11:48

I'm going to be quite useless here, but my dad passed away 2 weeks ago and I'm still feeling mostly 'normal'. He had cancer and I was with him when he died. He was suffering before hand so I was almost a little relieved, as it was heartbreaking to watch my once tall, strapping dad, frail and skinny in a bed. He wasn't my dad anymore... I started to grieve when we got the diagnosis 12 months ago.
Sorry, this probably wasn't directly relevant to your post but what I was trying to say was, everyone deals with things SO awful in different ways. I have 3 kids, so they keep me busy. And if I feel myself getting upset, I quickly distract myself, as I simply haven't got time to go to pieces!
I miss my dad so much, but I won't let myself cry, incase I never stop...
I really hope your dad will be ok xx

SirVixofVixHall Fri 20-Mar-15 13:43:12

I really hope your Dad pulls through. Elderly people can have very scary moments where you think they might die, and then turn around and get well again . we have had several of these with my Mother. I hope you have your Dad for a few more years yet.

gregsageek Mon 23-Mar-15 00:33:20

I think you can sort of "power through" the illness part, as that protects you in some way. My dad died at Christmas - I was fine for all of it tbh, until I got into the funeral, which I assumed (stupidly) was going to be fine as well, which I suddenly found very, very hard. And I am fine now but I still have my moments, esp when I see other old men! I went to my son's orchestra performance the other day, and an old man a couple of rows in front of me waved at his grandson - sounds ridiculous but seeing his frail old man hand just floored me. Everyone's bereavement feels different to them - there is no right or wrong. You can't really prepare but Loveallmyboys is def right that you get to a point where their suffering is worse than death. Hope your dad pulls through and you have more time together.

Loveallmyboys Mon 23-Mar-15 10:52:17

Ah gregs I can totally relate. I was stood in a queue in the bank earlier and I could smell dad! His aftershave mixed with cigarette smoke! I suddenly felt like a little girl and wanted to hug this scruffy looking man!

derxa Tue 07-Apr-15 09:58:47

I know how you're feeling. My dad is very old with terminal cancer. It's as if I am waiting for him to die but not really engaged with the situation. He has good neighbours/friends who help him. However they look at me with the 'sad face' expecting me to join in with their misery. I can't I just feel numb. Both my mother and brother are dead and this is the end of my birth family. It's a very strange feeling OP. My best wishes to you.

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