Trying again. Need objective thoughts as am not very objective atm.

[foundintranslation]

This summer I miscarried twice in consecutive cycles. The mcs were very different, probably unrelated and despite having also had a mc before having ds, I am fundamentally optimistic that I will be able to have a successful pg in the future. Emotionally I'm also beginning to feel on a more even keel, and I know that I would like to be, and feel up to being, pg again soon.

Anyway, I got my first period since the last mc last week and am now entering my fertile time as per my usual cycle. For whatever reason, I've found myself, over the last few days, making a desperate dilemma out of whether to 'ttc' this month or not (I say 'ttc' because it would really only amount to not using contraception, but I do seem to get pg very quickly - my conceptions have been on 2nd, 3rd, 1st and 1st cycle respectively). Rationally I know myself that making such an issue out of one cycle (we definitely plan to start ttc next cycle) is silly, but it still seems to huge dilemma for me right now. I can't help thinking that if we left it this time and subsequently found we could not conceive again, or conceived and (God forbid) mc again, I would be forever wondering what would have happened if we had tried this cycle... I'm not sure, with my history, whether I can afford to pass up any 'chance'. OTOH the thought of conceiving this cycle and mc again is too much to bear - I'm sure that at some level I would blame myself (which I certainly didn't do last time, despite not having waited at all). Anyway, I'm really really stuck on this, have been going over and over it for days and not got anywhere, however sternly and rationally I've told myself off about it... so any thoughts would be very welcome. Thank you.

[candygirl]

hi foundintranslation,i no how you are feeling ,i have had 8 m/c in a row i always have followed the advice everyone gives as in give your body at least one cycle to recover ,but i always wonder maybe if i just jumped straight in and try again without waiting would that work ! i just dont no .but i think you have to do wot you feel is right and not have any doubts about wot if!
i no in this game its full of wot ifs so we are probably in a no win situation, all i can do is wen you do decide the time is right ,wish you all the luck in the world.take care x

[treacletart]

I understand your dilemma. I had a missed MC at 11 weeks (2nd pregnancy 1st MC) and an ERPC at the beginning of October and we've been ttc already. Used OV strips and a microscope so knew when I was supposed to be ovulating - and now I'm waiting. Like you I've been lucky enough to get pregnant very quickly in the past. Part of me thinks I may have been crazy, but I can't find anything anywhere of any actual risks of conceiving so soon - as far as I can gather the only problem is that dating the pregnancy can get tricky - but they can sort that out with a scan. Emotionally it just felt/feels the right thing to do. Maybe my age (39) is telling my subconscious I could regret hanging about? Guess it has to come down to whatever feels right for you. Good luck whatever you decide.

[foundintranslation]

Thank you both. candygirl, goodness, 8 mcs I'm sorry for all of your losses, and yours too, treacletart. Age is one thing that's theoretically on my side, I suppose (I'm 29).

I'd welcome any further thoughts from the evening crowd.

[foundintranslation]

.

[mears]

I only miscarried once and found that I was counting the days till my first period came so that I could try again. That was 13 years ago and I was advised to try and wait 3 months. There was no way I could have done that. As it was, despite not using contraception, I had another period and then became pregnant resulting in DD.
Only you can decide what to do. Are you taking folic acid? Do you feel you want to be pregnant now?

[foundintranslation]

Thanks mears. I stopped the folic acid after the last mc - just couldn't face it somehow - but started again last week.

I suppose if it was one mc we're talking about, I wouldn't have as many worries, but I literally mc (incomplete, 7 weeks), got pg again with no period in between and mc again (blighted ovum this time, picked up at about 7 weeks). Had a D&C both times too. I know my hormones are normal again because I've had blood tests and I've had my period.

I'm very broody and actually want to be pg as soon as possible - but when I think about trying this month there's just something that pulls me back iyswim. Then when I think about not trying I worry about having 'wasted' the cycle and what might happen after that.

[MissPecksniff]

Hi FIT.

I had one miscarriage in between dd and ds. This was 3.5 years ago and I was advised to wait until after my next 'proper' period before trying again. Well, that came and went (several times over) because I was too scared to try again tbh - especially as in my case age was a factor, I was 39 at the time. I didn't want to accept that I may have reached the end of my fertile life.

However, I was determined to give it another try and ds was conceived in one night several months after the miscarriage.

Best wishes

(Mercy)

[foundintranslation]

Thanks Mercy/MissP.
I suppose really (reading all this back) that my doubts mean it would probably be a good idea to leave it this cycle (which is almost half over now anyway - from CM and stuff I reckon it's going to be a short one - I vary by 4-5 days). My gynaecologist, who is definitely not one of the wait-3-months brigade, said this time that it would be worth waiting to see if the second period also comes regularly - I don't understand his medical reasoning, but I do trust and respect his opinion. It's very weird - it's like I want to lunge at ttc, but then something holds me back. I really have no idea how I would feel if I did get a BFP this month. I suppose I need to convince myself of the fact that it is extremely unlikely that if we leave it this month we will never ever conceive again - I'm just a bit irrational and 'superstitious' atm, which probably means I'm not quite 'over' the mcs. Arrrgh.

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[foundintranslation]

Pruni, I think you're right, about the dithering. There are a few practical issues going on as well (planned move/job changes etc. etc.), none of which would actually preclude me getting pg, and at first I was wondering whether I was just dithering because of those, but thinking about it, it does seem to be something deeper - I actually think that on some level I would feel 'better' to let it go at least for this cycle. I don't think there would be any bad consequences per se to leaving it, just my what-if-this-cycle-was-my-last-chance-for-a-successful-pg thing - which arguably has more to do with having experienced the stunningly bad luck of miscarrying twice in 2 months and thinking I'm fair game for more bad luck iyswim.
Just thinking back over the most difficult/important decision of my life - it was painful but there was no dithering. I think I probably do need to step back, at least this month.

[MissPecksniff]

Agree with you Pruni re the dithering. I do tend to go with the school of thought "if in doubt, don't". Or at least, not yet.

I think part of my hesitation about TTC soon after the miscarriage also came about because I didn't want to 'fail' again so soon.

[foundintranslation]

Thanks everyone.
I'm going to bed now (am giving a seminar at 8am tomorrow) but will come back tomorrow.

[linjasmom]

Hi FIT, just wanted to wish you good luck and hope you can sort out what you are feeling (I guess sometimes the gut feeling - in your case to maybe wait a month - might be right). Take care and all the best!!

[CarolinaMooncup]

FiT, there's no hurry. Please give yourself time to feel really ready to try again.

I had a mc in June and my first thought was I have to get pg again as soon as I can, but as the weeks went by I realised I needed to wait. We're going to try again after Christmas, and I really am glad that I've had a chance to work through my feelings about the mc first.

[Jossie]

Hi FIT
Really feel for you I m/c in April and then in August this year-the August one went badly wrong and was very traumatic. I'm having tests at the moment and TBH although I'm desperate to have another baby and I know what you mean about is this my last/best chance, I have been grateful of a break psychologically. My consultant hasn't said don't try, but it seems like an awful waste of the money we are spending on tests if I don't wait until the results. I think that if you aren't 100% sure maybe your body is telling you not to. I had a really bad feeling about when i was pg in April, I had a feeling that it would ot be ok-my doctor said tat gut feeling is very reliable, I wasn't sure about my gut feeling in July as my judgement was clouded by first experience.
Sorry it's a bit of a ramble!

[candygirl]

hi fit ,ive m/c all of mine at 7/8 weeks due to a blood thickening problem which doesnt allow things to stick and grow in the rite place,i take asprin every day whilst pregnant to help thin may blood .but no luck yet ! i have a oppointment to morrow at st.marys and am on my period at the mo so will then be deciding wot my next move will be ( i havent got a clue wot to do at the mo as i feel so much like you are feeling as my last m/c was 5 wks ago ) i am 34 and fill like my time is running out .i do have a 14 yr old daughter so am very lucky,i no . have you any children ? and have you had any test done ?
last time i got pregnant i really wanted to be ,but as soon as i found out for sure i was i cried for ages as i just couldnt face it again so didnt want to be preg ( so wen lost it blamed myself )thats wot i mean wot ever you decide there will always be a why! wot if i had ! etc
if you feel strong enough now go for it ! like i say if you do and god forbid things go wrong you@ll say wot if i waited a bit longer,but if you dont youll always think well maybe i should have done this or that !youll never get it right in your own mind.we like to put ourselves through all this torment ,dont we ,as if we dont go through enough.
take care wotever you decide to do !
sorry for rambling on ,i never can just say one thing then shut up!x

[foundintranslation]

Thanks everyone. I'm really sorry for all your mcs

candygirl, I'm so sorry you've had to go through it again and again. I have a ds of 17 months, and I haven't thought about tests (well, not yet, anyway) as my mc have all been very very different - the first one (before ds) was at about 5 weeks and completely natural, the second one was about 7 weeks with low hCG levels and incomplete (started off by itself), the last one a blighted ovum with astronomical hCG levels and only the tiniest drop of blood. To me, at least, there doesn't seem to be a pattern there, and my gyn also said he thinks certainly the last two had different root causes.

Apart from anything else, dh and I are both knackered and I just don't feel like sex (am also developing a cold - no fun today giving 2 seminars with a sandpaper throat), so I think that's 'it' for this cycle, and it is probably the right thing (as far as there are any 'right' or 'wrong' things in this whole business).

Thank you everyone again for helping me get my head straight. (I can't guarantee I won't be on here next month having the same dilemma, though!)

[candygirl]

hi fit , i no wot you mean about being to tired ,i feel so emotionally worn out at the moment that sex just isnt happening in our house hold either.dont no how long dh will put up with that !
i hope you feel better real soon and that your clear head helps you sort out some of those decisions,if not mumsnet will be here for you ,its such a life line isnt it .
take care x

[Greensleeves]

Hi, FIT

I've been thinking about this thread today and wanted just to give you my thoughts, even though they aren't very coherent.

One one hand, my instinct says that you've been to hell and back lately, you are bruised and battered emotionally and it worries me to think of you going through it all again - the worst case scenario is pretty grim, isn't it? Could you cope, do you think, with that awful pain and disappointment again? I hope that doesn't sound too insensitive.

On the other hand, if you are feeling broody and it's taking up a lot of your headspace anyway - I wonder whether waiting another cycle or so is really going to help you, whether it would give you more time to heal after the last time - or whether there's no point in waiting for the sake of waiting. There is an argument which says that if you feel in your mind and body that you are ready to try again, then maybe you should. I just don't know.

It comes down to this: I think you should do whatever feels kindest and most positive for yourself. How do you really feel about trying again now? How strong are you feeling, compared to a few weeks ago?

Sorry it's a bit of an incoherent splurge.

[Ellbell]

Hiya FIT... I knew this would be you...

You know what I think, but you also know that there is no 'right' and 'wrong' about this decision, so whatever you decide is what's right for you.

Just wanted to say hello and wish you lots of luck.

xxx

[foundintranslation]

Thanks all

Aaargh Greeny, you've got my resolve to wait all shaken... No, honestly don't worry, it's shaken anyway - despite not doing temps, curves etc., I know I'm ovulating today, I'm absolutely certain of it, which is very unusual because usually the best I can do is a good guess, and am all dilemma'd up again. Aaaargh. But OTOH I'm really not clear in my head today, due to having to ignore an absolute b*gger of a cold because of having to teach. I feel like I'm operating 6 feet underwater, which is one of the reasons I can't actually answer your questions now Greeny - like you, I just don't know.

[Uki]

Hi FIN
I know how you feel, in your heart you want to be preg, but in your head it hurts. Part of me also feels sick with having myself pulled from side to side, I come up with excuses of why not to try this month, and also feel the clock ticking. I

[Uki]

blasted computer problems.
Aanyway some days i don't know what i want and today i felt guilty that so much of my time is taken up with this. I feel selfish and insignificant, I want to be productive and save the world or something. maybee my body is telling me to move on and that it's not the end of the world. I'm not sure if I'm helping you or myself here but maybee this is similar to you.

[beckyjones]

Hi foundintranslation- sorry to hear how you are feeling I am a bit the same at the moment as I mc last week, came away naturally Friday gone. You gave me some wonderful advice on one my threads so thanks for that.

I feel frightened of ttc now, after suffering an ectopic and then mc I have never had a positive preg and the fear factor is really hitting home to the point I've discussed the possibility of being a childless couple with my DH, who is very understanding. I am feeling much better now and although I am still petrified (god knows what I'll be like when I conceive again)- I think life has a plan not in a religious sense of the word, but if we are meant to have families then we will, and if we are not then we will touch peoples lives in other ways.

[foundintranslation]

Thank you Uki and Becky.

Becky, I'm sorry you're feeling so frightened, it is only natural. Despite everything your chances are still good, honestly. Lesley Regan's book is a useful and oddly reassuring read.

Still dithering, still haven't done t'deed, I was just scated to tbh, not to mention feeling too grotty.