My dad died a week ago today and it hurts so much.

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

Suddenly and unexpectedly although he had been poorly with a chronic condition. He was 69 so not old.

It's only sinking in now and it hurts. It hurts because he wasn't a good dad, quite the opposite, but he didn't mean to be. In the last year with his health poor I travelled a long way every other weekend to be with him.. usually he was pretty drunk when I arrived (functional alcoholic) and he wasn't that much fun to be with. But the last weekend, he was sober and it was nice. When I put him to bed (he had broken his thigh this year and not recovered) he said he loved me. We had finally managed to have a good relationship..and now he's gone.

I feel so sad, and cheated, cheated that I will never be a little girl with a Dad who would do anything for her, like my DH is to our children. As an adult I can sort of understand the life events that made him how he was, but I wish I could grieve for a much loved dad that I lost, and not have it complicated with the pain of not knowing if he really ever loved me, and why he didn't try to be a proper dad. And now it's too late to ask why.

I'm so very glad I spent the last year being there, but it hurts. He knew he wasn't a good dad.. I found a letter in with his will in which he said, he hoped whatever he left would help make up for his failure as a father :(

I loved him, loved him regardless, and just wish I knew that he knew that...

[MagpieCursedTea]

I'm sorry for your loss
From what you've said about how you've been supporting him, it sounds like you showed him how much you loved him.

[Allisgood1]

I'm so sorry for your loss

I have no wise words.

[candykane25]

I loss my dad four months ago, he was 66.
Very sorry this has happened to your dad, to you and your family.
Grief is a long and very complex process.
Please be very kind to yourself and take it one day at a time x

[WowOoo]

Ah bless. I'm sure he knew that you loved him dearly. Lovely that he told you he loved you too.

I lost my dad many years ago. He wasn't perfect either, nobody is. But I miss him too.

It's really early days. Can you go out for a walk in the sunshine?

[AChickenNamedDirk]

I am very sorry for your pain and confusion about the grief for your dad

I totally empathise with the confusion but and my father is still alive. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to do what you did in terms of caring for him fortnightly.

I wish you some peace of mind in the fact that you were wonderfully kind to care for what sounds like a troubled and difficult person (alcohol side)

Thinking of you xx