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my mum died and i have no support from dh

(14 Posts)
heartisbroken Wed 21-Jan-15 23:50:49

This may be long so apologies in advance! My beautiful mum who was my best friend and such a big big part of my life died just before Christmas at the age of 60. Although she had been ill, it is broken my heart. As was so much to organise and seemed harder as was Christmas, by the time the funeral was over and Christmas was dine, i had to go back to work so feel like have no time to grieve properly. In the run up to my mum dying, i spent all the time i could with her, which meant most days i would work 13 hours, come home put my young dd to bed then go straight to the hospice or her house until very late. During this time was a bit hit and miss with dh, sometimes fine, others we would argue about me not spending much time at home. When she died, i went straight to mum and dads house v early in the morning (where she was) and i had to call dh later in the pm to come to see me. This hurt as other partners were there supporting my sisters. He claimed was looking after dd. I would have got a babysitter. Its now been a month since she died and he has not once shown a sign of missing her. We have been together 11 years and she treated him like a son as his dm who was not close to died a long time ago. We have rowed every night this week as when i get upset he basically says to pull myself together and we cant sit around mourning for the rest of our lives. in so sad/angry he hasn't shown any sense of loss and is not supporting me. Ive told him this but he just says im nagging. What can i do xx

heartisbroken Wed 21-Jan-15 23:52:53

Sorry for typos and worked 10 hours, not 13

Murdermysteryreader Thu 22-Jan-15 00:09:27

I feel for you. I had similar when my sibling died. I had some counselling (free) with Cruse which allowed me to grieve. Unfortunately sometimes at our darkest times out partners are not there for us. I think they don't know how to handle grief and they just want things to go back to normal when really you need some support and to be allowed to be sad. I'm not sure I have any advice just empathy , be kind to yourself , look after yourself. I got really run down and ill. Grief is exhausting but sadly what you are experiencing isn't rare. Some men can't handle things . Take care, look after yourself flowers

Murdermysteryreader Thu 22-Jan-15 00:12:23

You might find unexpected people are helpful and willing to talk such as friends. Your husband might be finding it hard to deal with - they should be better but they often aren't. Take care of yourself . I had lots of. Long baths with oils and cried. So consider looking up Cruse -

thewomaninwhite Thu 22-Jan-15 00:16:38

I have no wise words op but I wanted to say that I am really sorry to hear about your Mum. You sound like a lovely daughter.

heartisbroken Thu 22-Jan-15 07:52:55

Thanks for the replies. On the whole i have coped better than i thought but when i get sad, it feels suffocating. Am so worried about lots of things and feel i just need him there for him and so angry that he's not. Im worried even if we get through this ok that i will always hold grudge now that he wasn't there voluntarily. I need my mum to tell me what to do sad

velocityofbeans Thu 22-Jan-15 07:57:34

i'm sorry for the loss of your mum. Mine died just after Christmas, and we are still dealing with it all. My dp had known my mum 27 years, and although he has tried to be there for me, he seems a bit lost about how to help, could it be the same for yours? I have had to ask him for the most basic comforting though, feelings of grief seem to confuse him even more than usual at the moment

Redhead11 Thu 22-Jan-15 08:07:51

When my DM died, my then husband would have given anything to have been somewhere else in the world. He did step up (identified the body for me) some of the time, but could also be incredibly tactless and thoughtless. It sounds as though your DH is not sure quite how to react, so has decided that being brusque is the best thing. Maybe your tears upset him and make him want to cry and he doesn't think men cry. I don't know. I am so sorry to hear about your mum. It is never easy to lose a parent. Take your time and grieve. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Take comfort and be proud that you were there for your mum. flowers

whatisforteamum Thu 22-Jan-15 09:18:04

heartisbroken i am so sorry for your loss.I wonder is it possible your Dh is a bit jealous of all the attention you gave your DM?.One month is no time to grieve surely.
My DH has been very off with me mentioning DF is terminal and we are not sure what will happen.Even my DM who is incurable too is giving off vibes she is v worried.
It occurred to me my DH could be worried how he will cope after knowing my DF 28 yrs+ or he maybe a bit jealous.
One of his family members pointed out i wasnt that sympathetic in my 20s when his df died.(i went to see him in hosp and laid out when he had passed away) but had no experience of bereavement.
I dont have any idea how i will cope when the time comes as i have no close friends.I hope you have someone to turn to in RL.
You have my deepest sympathies.

babbinocaro Fri 23-Jan-15 04:18:59

Hi so sorry for your loss and that your oh has not been able to support you. He might be overwhelmed but unable to show it - has he been supportive at other times of crisis or is this the first one, granted a very big one? Is he the rational type -comfort through action rather than just comforting? I have had a similar experience with bereavement and lack of support and it is another disappointment to be dealt with later. Reach out to other people and may be take time off work to allow yourself to grieve. Your lovely mum will be somewhere sending you love and strength and trying to comfort you xxx

headoverheels Fri 23-Jan-15 04:35:26

When my mum died I found my husband very unsupportive. Like you he seemed to expect me just to get over it and move on with my life. Perhaps because my mum was older than yours and had Alzheimers, he saw it as a 'blessing in disguise' and 'better now before she deteriorated any further' - he didn't understand that I needed to grieve for my mum.

The funny thing is that he's generally good at supporting me in times of crisis - he was amazing when I had a serious health problem, for example. So it's not that he doesn't know how to be there for me, it's that he didn't realise how much I needed him at that time.

I think the problem is the bit where you say he wasn't close to his own mum. You're thinking that should be a reason for him to be more upset (because he has lost a mother figure) but actually I think it's the opposite. He can't empathise with the situation you're in because he's never had that relationship himself, so he can't understand how much you relied on her and are missing her.

Don't be too hard on him. I felt terribly let down by my DH but now (18 months later) I have accepted that he's a good man and we have a strong marriage, but this was a 'blind spot' for him for some reason.

rootypig Fri 23-Jan-15 04:50:18

I'm so sorry about your mum. I wonder if he is afraid to confront the grief that you are feeling, because it would open the door to the grief he feels about losing his own DM? he may also be finding the loss of your DM intolerable - grieving himself - and coping with it by shutting down.

flowers for you both. Grief is so hard to negotiate. Be kind to yourself, and chat to someone outside your marriage - a grief counsellor, if you can afford it.

rootypig Fri 23-Jan-15 04:53:40

^^ post above is just wondering - I also want to say that it sounds as though whatever the reason he's being really unkind, and that's not ok.

mummylin2495 Fri 23-Jan-15 10:20:37

Op please come and join our thread where you can chat to others about similar things. I am sorry for your loss

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