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Horrific end, I should have done more

(43 Posts)
Hurts5 Fri 09-Jan-15 04:34:38

Towards the end of November after a week in hospital and numerous tests we were told my Gorgeous Man had lung cancer which had spread to his liver and brain. On Monday morning he died and I am washed with grief and guilt that I could have done more at the end of his time to have made it easier for him. I took advice from medical staff but I knew and didn't do more. They told me he was having a panic attack when actually he was dying. He was in pain and terrified when they said they wouldn't let this happen...they did...I did. I am so scared he will never forgive me. I can't eat,sleep and just don't want to be around anyone. I know it is early days and I have to organise his funeral... I want him,I just want him.

TanteRose Fri 09-Jan-15 04:43:33

Oh Hurts, I am so so sorry for your loss sad

it happened so quickly, you must be in total and utter shock.

I found this organisation for some help

do you have family/friends who can be with you?


Wonkyparsnip Fri 09-Jan-15 04:44:44

Op I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think I can offer anything useful except a hand hold. Have you got friends and family to support you? Could you try calling Cruse Bereavement? I didn't find them great but I know so many people who rave about the support they offer.

Hurts5 Fri 09-Jan-15 04:49:08

I have friends and my son who is 24 is here in the evenings for a while but they don't understand how I feel. It is very hard to explain as talking about it makes me feel even worse. They say that I couldn't have done more as I am not a doctor and only followed advice but I SHOULD have done more. I should have got cross and made a fuss..I never do about anything...I should have insisted the nurses got the doctor to see him instead of asking for his advice without him seeing what was happening for himself. I know I can't turn the clock back but I don't know how to live with myself either. I have had to tell his friends and family he went peacefully in my arms when in fact although he was in my arms the four and half hours leading up to it were horrific.

Hurts5 Fri 09-Jan-15 04:52:28

They told us he would have nine to twelve months, he was going to have chemo and canabis oil, we were supposed to have more time.

KillashandraRee Fri 09-Jan-15 04:57:04

Hurts I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure your DH wouldn't want you to feel like this, but I understand it must be so hard to come to terms with what happened. Can you speak to the hospital to try to get some answers about why it happened so quickly? Maybe it might help if you have all of the facts?

Hurts5 Fri 09-Jan-15 05:01:44

The autopsy was yesterday, the coroner requested it as it was obvious something went wrong. I will know later today what the outcome is. But it won't bring him back and if anything will make it worse if it confirms what I believe, it wasn't a panic attack he was having for hours and then died, it was him dying and they should have sedated him, he begged them to but they wouldn't in case he died under sedation. I know I am not explaining this very we'll but it is so hard to write the words that need saying.

TanteRose Fri 09-Jan-15 05:03:17

agree you MUST get some more information from the hospital - they should absolutely be offering you some kind of grief counselling.

obviously not right away, but eventually

please be gentle on yourself flowers

TanteRose Fri 09-Jan-15 05:04:13

reading your words is heartbreaking sad

KillashandraRee Fri 09-Jan-15 05:25:45

Hurts Forgive me if I'm out of line, but it seems to me that if the professionals didn't know he was dying then how could you? You can only do your best with the information you have and you aren't a doctor.

I haven't lost a partner but I do know it is natural to feel guilt as the one left behind. Can you try not to focus on those few hours? It must be so hard I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling.
Thinking of you hope you get a few hours of sleep x

Hurts5 Fri 09-Jan-15 05:31:27

I knew because he knew, he talked about it on Sunday afternoon. He stopped eating and only wanted water, he was freezing to touch but wanted the windows open, the fan on and cold cloths on his head. His pulse was erratic and so weak you could hardly feel it. He couldn't breath properly, his skin changed colour, there were so many other signs too but the nurses were either too busy or overlooked it, I don't know but I knew he was dying. On Saturday I called his family, on Sunday I called many of his close friends to come and say goodbye ..... I just knew, I don't know how, maybe because I loved him so much.

TanteRose Fri 09-Jan-15 05:36:04


you did so much for him

he will have known that you were doing all you can

KatieKaye Fri 09-Jan-15 05:44:04

My heart goes out to you.
You were there. You were there for him right to the end.
I hope you can find some peace.

KillashandraRee Fri 09-Jan-15 06:04:25

Oh Hurtssad

I agree you did all you could. DH had you with him, listening to him, holding him. Can you focus on what you were able to give him rather than what you couldn't?

So so sorry it sounds like it was really scary x

Hurts5 Fri 09-Jan-15 06:35:26

It was scary, it was like watching a film, not real, not happening to us. It shouldn't have happened.
I am trying to be brave and I am trying to focus on the good things and remember him as he was but I am haunted day and night by the look on his face, he struggled to breath for four and half hours and he was terrified.
I don't know how to get past this, I know it is early days but what I am feeling now is so huge it is overwhelming.

Hurts5 Fri 09-Jan-15 06:37:14

He took his last breath in my arms, naked on a cold hospital floor. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I don't think I will ever forgive myself.

OverAndAbove Fri 09-Jan-15 06:42:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. You were there for him,and you were holding him. That will have been a huge comfort to him and what he would have wanted, for sure. You have done the most important thing for him.

I understand your wish to tell people it was very peaceful, to protect them, but I think you really need to talk to someone about this to help you think it through. Can you start with your GP and put yourself in their hands for a bit?

Please look after yourself, love x

Lolly86 Fri 09-Jan-15 06:44:22

So so sorry for your loss x

MinceSpy Fri 09-Jan-15 06:48:06

Hurts I am so sorry for your loss, please don't blame yourself. Speak to the PALS office and ask for an explanation. The coroner's report will give you lots of information.

whattodoforthebest2 Fri 09-Jan-15 06:53:31

What an awful situation to be in, OP, I can't imagine your pain now. But it could be that you making a fuss and demanding to see doctors might have taken up precious time with him. I know you feel you could have done more, but the best thing you did was comfort him when he needed it and hold him in his last moments. He wanted to be with you, you were together and that must have made a huge difference to him. No one else could have given him the comfort he had from being in your arms, you were the one he wanted to be with him at the end and although it could have been managed much better, you need to take comfort from that.

thanks and (((())))

WottaMess Fri 09-Jan-15 07:27:52

Spammy people don't get the chance to say goodbye, and you did that for him with family and friends and as others have said just being there Eig him. I am sure he was scared, but I some ways that is a valid thing to feel (we all do at some points) but what we want then is reassurance from those we love and who love us. It sounds like he had that in bucket loads from you and that is worth a huge amount. Try to forgive yourself, but don't be afraid to seek help to do that. thanks

WottaMess Fri 09-Jan-15 07:28:14

Spammy = some, stupid autocorrect.

HangingInAGruffaloStance Fri 09-Jan-15 07:31:47

Death is horrible.
What happened is not fair.
You were there, you held him, the last touch he felt was your loving touch.
thanksthanks To you.

DelGirl Fri 09-Jan-15 08:22:24

Hurts5 I am so so sorry you are going through this. What a truly awful experience. I remember your pain vividly. Nothing anyone can say can make it better right now. You just have to keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other. It is gut wrenching. My dh died of cancer too. I felt so much guilt it was crippling. I'm sorry to say it didn't ease for a long while but it did subside eventually and you will start to feel better I promise you will but it's not easy. You will experience a whole range of emotion. All of it is normal. Can you speak with someone at the hospital or perhaps CRUSE (sp) who you can share this with. Have you got family and friends around? So sorry. I'm sending you a sincere hug x

DelGirl Fri 09-Jan-15 08:25:26

Sorry I'd read your op much earlier but didn't have time to post and hadn't read your subsequent posts.

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