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Bereavement

Book for Ds (4)

12 replies

MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/01/2015 20:45

My dad died last night. Need to tell DS, 4.5 yrs.

My dad was kind of his dad too as his father didn't stay around.

How to I tell him? Doing it tomorrow I thjnk. How do I help him deal with seeing my grief? I am not ok and will not be able to stay together in a sanitized type of way to help him. I just can't. My world has ended.

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Runnyhunny · 02/01/2015 22:00

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I would keep it simple but make sure he understands as much as is possible, and tell him you are sad. Do you have a family member who would take him out for a couple of hours to give you some time to yourself-if that's what you need x

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/01/2015 16:21

He's going to see me in terrible pain and I don't want him to

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jenmac22 · 03/01/2015 21:07

Hi there, I am so very sorry for your sad loss. The pain is awful.

I think you will be able to tell your little boy and surprise yourself at the composure you will show when doing it, you will probably fall apart later too, its okay to be sad and for him to know that you are sad, this is a terribly hard time.

I hope you manage to get through this, one breath at a time x

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/01/2015 23:21

Thanks. Haven't told him yet. Can't bear it. Ordered all books on Amazon and maybe one will help him afterwards.

It's going to destroy him. We have no one else. It's deatroying me. And once I tell him no semblance of normality will be left. I'm snapping at him. He's being difficult cos of no routine and Christmas was awful as my daddy was in hospital far away. I hate myself. Poor Ds. Poor us. Poor me.

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jenmac22 · 03/01/2015 23:45

I'm so sorry. The books will help, you are doing just fine and all you can manage just now.
Its so very hard, but what I find helps, if only a little, is to try to live in the moment you are in now, try not to think and worry about the future, it just causes you more worry and panicky feelings.
Can you tell your darling little boy that grand-dad's in heaven, and that it makes mummy very sad, but that he makes you happy, and just hold him, and love him. He's so young, and you are so distraught, that is enough for you to do. Sending lots of hugs.

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Runnyhunny · 05/01/2015 20:54

How are you and have you told him yet. I agree with what jenmac said about saying grand-dad's in heaven. If you haven't told him, perhaps wait a few days till you feel able to focus on him. Thinking of you

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/01/2015 00:42

What are the different ways children react to this kind of news? So I can imagine what it might be like?

I think he won't react at all. It's the weeks/ months after I'm worrying.

Or the innocent questions that will rip into me and I won't be able to answer in the way he needs.

Most of all I don't want to tell him as then it will be true.

I'm never going to be better or stronger or more together or more able to focus on him. I'm not ok and I'm going to fuck him up.

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jenmac22 · 08/01/2015 13:30

I never cease to be amazed at just how resilient and accepting children are. They are fortunate to be so innocent and unlike us don't have the ability to think of the future, and how missed the person we have lost will be..
You are a loving mum, you wont mess him up.
Could you ask his health visitor or a friend to help you tell him. He'll be wondering what's wrong with mum now.
I'm sorry for your pain, x

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 09/01/2015 00:26

A friend has offered to be there but Ive said no thanks. I think it's something me and DS have to get through on our own. Feels like I'd be betraying him by trivializing / publicizing an intimate moment where there should be no audience and no one else to think about / react to etc.

I will have someone else in the house though as I'm disabled and can't be up very long. We have nannies / helpers.

He hates not being with me all the time, which I why I feel strongly about telling him alone.

Oh god, I'm going to need to brief them on what I've said and how they should respond to him. And they'll need supporting and encouraging etc, :( I cannot be a fucking manager right now :(

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Bloodybridget · 12/01/2015 11:10

Miscellaneous, I'm so sorry you are in this very sad situation. How are you now? Do you mean betraying your dad or your DS? Because if your dad, honestly it makes no difference to him at all; he would want you to do whatever is best for your DS and for yourself. I realise time has passed and you must have talked to your DS by now. Do take all the help and support you can find.

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/01/2015 00:26

I did it on Saturday. I did it as best I could and in line with all the advice from specialist websites. I cried though when telling him which made him more upset.

I feel broken from having done it.

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laurenfalvey · 26/01/2015 20:28

I am so sorry to read this.. The same thing happened to me last June and has affected my 7 year old terribly as he saw my dad as his dad. I have been in touch with cruse bereavement who have specialist support workers to help children and adults and I have been reading this book to my son so he knows he's not the only one feeling the way he does.. Michael Rosen's Sad Book. It's such an awful time, I still don't believe my dad has really gone and it's been 7 months. Love to both of you xxx stay strong ?

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