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How to acknowledge friends Son this Christmas without upsetting her

(13 Posts)
loveulotslikejellytots Mon 22-Dec-14 11:15:07

My best friend and her Husband lost their little boy back in October. He was only 4 weeks old. It's been a devestating time for them all, but they are looking forward to Christmas as much as they can with their other 2 children.

I found some brilliant advice on here about how to support them immediately after, and am still taking the occasional meal round and seeing them lots, offering support etc. My friends talk about their little boy, not all the time but when they feel like it.

I buy always buy their children Christmas and Birthday presents, and i'd like to buy him a little Christmas present, but would that upset them? I was thinking of a donaton to the Childrens ward he was on when he was in Hospital. I dont think an actual gift would be of any use (would it)?

Has anyone got any suggestions of a way to do this sensitively. To be honest, I think this Christmas especailly is going to be extremely hard/crappy for them anyway, a present from me isn't going to make things better or worse. But I am just worried of doing the 'wrong' thing.

SantasBassoon Mon 22-Dec-14 11:19:57

I don't know, but I wonder if organising something 'in his memory', rather than buying a physical Christmas gift for him would be easier for them to deal with. A donation to the hospital in his memory sounds like a lovely thoughtful thing to do.

BaffledSomeMore Mon 22-Dec-14 11:22:04

I don't think any acknowledgement of their son could possibly be wrong. I guess they may have an ornament for the tree with his name but anything that remembers him will be precious.

Roseformeplease Mon 22-Dec-14 11:26:24

I have no experience of child loss but when a friend lost her Dad we gave a donation and a photo frame with the message that you can't have too many pictures of someon you loved and lost. It was a successful gift and much treasured.

bTW you sound like a lovely, lovely friend.

loveulotslikejellytots Mon 22-Dec-14 11:27:08

Baffled - I think they have something for the tree already. A lovely idea though.

Santas - doing something might be a good idea. I'm not sure what though. Their other children are 8 and 4, I don't know if they would find it helpful. They've done so well dealing with everything, I'm not sure if doing something to remember him will bring up feelings of sadness when they've been so happy looking forward to Christmas.

Quitethewoodsman Mon 22-Dec-14 11:30:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaffledSomeMore Mon 22-Dec-14 11:30:46

Ah you won't bring it up. The one thing that seems to be said by bereaved parents is that saying their child's name never reminds them because they're thinking of them all the time anyway.

Quitethewoodsman Mon 22-Dec-14 11:31:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary Mon 22-Dec-14 11:34:30

I absolutely wouldn't buy a toy for their little boy. I think a donation would be the best way to go. To a local hospital or children's hospice.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 22-Dec-14 11:39:11

I think a donation would be perfect.
You're such a lovely friend, I'm glad they have you in their lives.

Theas18 Mon 22-Dec-14 11:45:29

OP my understanding is that the loss of a child is just so awful that you can't make it worse by mentioning it, but you can be ignoring it.

Their whole Xmas will be a front put on for the kids and a constant awareness of the hole in their family life that the loss of their baby has left them with. A small gift or " always remembering xxxx" in the Xmas card just acknowledges the feelings they have already.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 22-Dec-14 11:53:40

Have they got a garden, could you buy them a tree in his memory?

loveulotslikejellytots Mon 22-Dec-14 13:18:56

Thanks for more ideas. I think I'll go with a donation to the children's hospital where he passed away.

A 'thing' like a toy or something doesn't feel right. He should be here to play with the toy.

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