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My beautiful girls

(28 Posts)
macca21 Mon 22-Dec-14 01:05:43

I don't know where to start. I've been trying to write this for the last couple of months but keep giving up.... I have 3 daughters but 2 of them have died.
I lost my middle daughter Lauren 20 years ago when she was a few hours old. She had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome which was undiagnosed during my pregnancy. Anyone who has lost a baby knows how heartbreaking it is
but my lovely Rebecca, who was 21 months old at the time, kept me going.... I had no choice but to get up every day and look after her. She needed me. Then 18 months later I had my third daughter Hannah and between them my two girls helped me to heal. The pain of losing Lauren has never gone away but it has got easier to live with. However, the truth of this is not helping me now the unthinkable has happened and I've lost another child.
My beautiful first born, 21 year old Rebecca was killed just over 6 months ago when a car ploughed into the bus stop she was standing at with her friend (who survived). The pain is indescribable and I can't believe that I won't ever see my lovely, bright funny girl again.
I can't see how I can have any sort of a life without her in it. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time for my remaining daughter's sake but it's so hard and sometimes I just want to give up. People keep telling me I'm strong, that I got through it once before so I can do it again. But I don't know if I can, it's so much worse this time. I had 21 years with Rebecca and she was such a huge part of my life - it's just not fair, she didn't deserve to lose her life, she was such a lovely girl and had so much to look forward to. How do I even begin to live again? I'm just going through the motions now and that's all I can ever see me doing, but then I don't think I'm being fair to Hannah. She's suffering too and she's not only lost her sister/best friend but she's also lost the mother she should have.

SetTheWorldOnFire Mon 22-Dec-14 01:10:24

I'm sure Hannah realises how hard this is for you, so, so sorry you're going through this. (((hugs)))

Hobby2014 Mon 22-Dec-14 01:12:05

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't even begin to imagine the pain. sad
You will be ok. But it will take time. Lots of time. But you will get through the other side. thanks.
Will be thinking of you xxx

TheFirstSolo Mon 22-Dec-14 01:12:39

thanksI'm so sorry for the loss of your daughters macca but please keep breathing, try to eat and hug your Hannah; she needs you ~ you need one

LucyBabs Mon 22-Dec-14 01:16:09

Oh how awful. I am so very sorry for both losses you've had.

Rebecca did have her whole life ahead of her and its fucking cruel that she is gone.. Do you have a dp/dh?

I have lost both parents within four months of each other so I know what grief is. I have two young DC though and I couldn't imagine my life without them.. flowers For you macca

QuickSilverFairy Mon 22-Dec-14 01:18:23

Macca, I'm so very sorry. I can't even begin to know the pain you are experiencing. Losing your precious daughters is more than any mother should be made to bear. Would you like to talk to us about your darling girls? I shall be thinking about you and all three of your daughters. Sending love and hugs..xx

Me2Me2 Mon 22-Dec-14 01:19:10

I'm so sorry. Be easy on yourself

frostydom2011 Mon 22-Dec-14 01:21:12

There are no words to make the loss of Rebecca easier to bear, especially after Lauren. I'm so sorry. Keep writing, keep remembering, allow yourself this outlet if it helps you get through the days and nights. And as Fire said Hannah will understand. Keep talking and listening.

Bakeoffcakes Mon 22-Dec-14 01:22:33

Oh macca I'm so so sorry you lost your two girls. You are right that it just isn't fair, no one should lose their child and to lose two is so so cruel.

My Dd lost her beautiful 17 year old best friend in a car accident. Losing that girl has devastated so many people's lives, my own dd has gone through 3 years of hell, she misses her friend so much and I see her pain everyday.

I have no words to comfort you, but I do think it is very early days yet, you have Hannah and she needs you more than ever. Talk to each other and support each other if you can. Please talk about your girls here too. There is always someone around.x

AskMeAnother Mon 22-Dec-14 01:22:44

thanks I don't know what to say.

GettingFiggyWithIt Mon 22-Dec-14 01:23:50

It's not a case of being unfair to are being so hard on yourself my love. It is a case of going through the motions because that's all anyone can expect of you right now. Hannah DOES need you..she's 19 and a half, but she will understand that you are going through hell and all anyone can do in the circumstances is take it one day at a time. I am so sorry you are going through this and I know Xmas is a shitty time when you are grieving. Please know that you can pm me or talk on here and I will always reply..I am usually up at this time. I am deeply sorry that Rebecca died. It is not fair. I know Cruse have a helpline too at this time of year if it gets too much flowers

Stripyhoglets Mon 22-Dec-14 01:27:31

So sorry for the terrible sadness you feel, I don't know anything that can help but wanted to say I am so sorry.

minmooch Mon 22-Dec-14 12:13:40

I'm so very sorry for your losses Macca. I too am in a similar situation. I lost my identical twin girls when they were still born in late pregnancy 6 years ago. I had two living sons that kept me going. Then 3 years ago my eldest, just days before his 16tg birthday, was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. He died 27 months later aged 18. I thought I had had my fair share of tragedy losing my daughters but no, worse was yet to come. My son died in February so nearly 10 months ago. It is terrible. The horror of it all is unbearable at times. And yet I still have my other son to live for and help him get through this terrible time. The grief, love, guilt cycle is exhausting. I have no words of advice as I am in the thick of it too. We can only do what we can manage to do. Keep talking, here, in real life. Big hugs xx

GlitzAndGigglesx Mon 22-Dec-14 12:18:30

My gosh! I'm so sorry for your losses! What a tragic way for your poor girls to go. Sending hugs xxx

Quangle Mon 22-Dec-14 12:26:20

Macca I'm so sorry. It is unbearable. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. But please don't be so hard on yourself. Just hold your Hannah tight - you can't make her pain go away but you can be together.

And minmooch I'm sorry for the awful losses you have sustained. Life is so cruel sometimes.

Love and strength to you both and to your DCs.

macca21 Wed 24-Dec-14 00:43:32

Thank you all for your kind words. Life is so difficult right now and everyone around me just seems so caught up in Christmas - they don't seem to understand how difficult it is for me to just get through the day - and I appreciate that their lives have moved on and no one can truly appreciate how I feel as they haven't been through it but it still hurts. Trouble is they make me feel like I'm the selfish one - how can that be right? This doesn't apply to everyone I know but to a few who I feel should know better. Maybe I expect too much.

macca21 Wed 24-Dec-14 00:47:03

Sorry pressed post by mistake and can't work out how to edit. My heart goes out to those of you who have also lost children - it just seems so wrong that we should be grieving for them- life is indeed very cruel. I will be thinking of you all over the next few days x

QuickSilverFairy Wed 24-Dec-14 00:48:20

Hi, sweetheart. I'm thinking of you. You and your girls will be in my thoughts during this holiday time. Xx

Isabeller Wed 24-Dec-14 00:51:17

I haven't experienced such devastating loss but I have experienced just putting one foot in front of the other and you are doing so well to be keeping going as best you can, it sounds so hard.


Mydelilah Wed 24-Dec-14 01:02:14

Macca, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not selfish to be grieving, it's natural. I hope with time you will find your way. I am certain that Hannah understands your pain.

Yes, life can be very cruel, you are in my thoughts... flowers

Valsoldknickers Wed 24-Dec-14 01:02:18

Your thread is heartbreaking macca21 as the loss of children is the worst thing that can befall a parent. I am so very sorry for what has happened to you.

I lost my beautiful baby son to Hypoplastic left heart syndrome too. My greatest fear is anything happening to any of my other children.

I hope you find comfort and strength for you and your other daughter. You are not at all selfish, you are grieving. Be kind to yourself because every day is tough but Christmas can be especially hard.

SilverShins Wed 24-Dec-14 01:07:48

Oh gosh. Heartfelt sympathy to all the mothers of lost children on this thread. I have nothing but admiration for you all. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I don't know what else to say flowers

macca21 Tue 30-Dec-14 16:45:18

I knew this first Christmas without Rebecca was going to be hard but I didn't realise how little support I was going to get in real life. My family have been useless - we spent Christmas Day with most of them with me having to bring up Rebecca's name (and then watch everyone looking uncomfortable) and since then I have not heard from any of my immediate family (I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters and my parents are both still alive) - not one of them asked how me and Hannah were doing (though I suppose it's obvious we're not good). I guess they're all too wrapped up in their own children and their own lives to even wonder about mine. Sorry for sounding bitter but I can't voice these thoughts anywhere else and I need to get it out of my system. I don't even know what I want from them really but just some sort of acknowledgement I suppose. They can't change anything and they can't stop my pain. Fortunately I have some good friends although they don't understand either but at least they try.

I just don't want to have to have to live my life like this but I know there is no other choice, I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, getting through one day at a time. It's just that I really don't know how I'm going to do it, at the moment I don't think I will ever look forward to anything ever again.

Me2Me2 Tue 30-Dec-14 20:46:25

I'm so sorry your family didn't step up this Christmas. I think unfortunately the hurting person often has to spell out what they need - even if it's simply acknowledgement of what they are going through. Is there a family member you are close to who you can convey your feelings to? Could it be that they just don't know what to say so say nothing? I can't imagine what you're going through and am just so sorry.

mumofthemonsters808 Tue 30-Dec-14 20:57:59

Heartbreaking post, I've no words of advice but just wanted to acknowledge your post. I can not imagine the hurt and pain you are experiencing, IM so sorry for the loss of your two daughters.

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