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ex partner killed himself, why do I feel so sad as i left him as he was abusive

(5 Posts)
dingdongknockknock Thu 18-Dec-14 21:39:54

I found out today my exp killed himself.

We were in court for residency of dds.

He killed himself afterwards.

I keep blaming myself. He said he would kill himself if I never went back. I never and a year later he does.

DDS do not know yet I am waiting for the Sw to come to tell them with me but most likely will happen after Xmas.

I can't stop crying over him. I had a brave face on for DDS now they in bed it all going around my head.

holeinmyheart Fri 19-Dec-14 20:16:03

Ding you are NOT and never can responsible for someone taking their life. Your partner was an adult and it was his decision.
As a caring loving person, of course you feel sad. However you need to be strong and give your DDs now the upbringing they deserve.

If from now on you mope and self denigrate continually, your children will be brought up in a very miserable atmosphere. An atmosphere that was really created by their selfish Father. Please don't do this to them.

Cheer up, dry your tears and present a brave face. You owe it to yourself and your children to try and be happy. You have one go at life and they have one go at childhood. Despite what their Father has done, it is up to you now to give them the best and happiest experience that you can, bearing in mind THAT you ARE not RESPONSIBLE.
Hugs xxx

MagratsLongWhiteBeard Tue 23-Dec-14 15:11:54

He is your ex for a reason though ding. You could not foresee what he might do & you are not to blame at all for his actions. A year is a long time, all sorts of things might have happened to him in that year which influenced his decision & those things had nothing to do with you.

The alternative was you staying with him just in case he killed himself, which is no way for you to live, you know that.

I'm sorry for your loss, but you are not the cause of it.

LadyBlaBlah Tue 23-Dec-14 15:26:39

Suicide is a terrible thing to deal with for those left behind.

You are not responsible for his decision to do it. There will be multiple reasons why he got to that point, starting in childhood.

But before you think, I should have done something, what? What could you have actually done? I'm sure you asked him to get help, tried to understand....but he was abusing you and didn't seek help.

You cannot make anyone do anything, unless you use force of some description and in mental health issues that NEVER works, they have to be willing participants. Yes, not having you may have triggered some deep feelings of rejection, not being good enough, being a worthless person etc...but he never looked for help. And he cannot expect anyone to stick by him if he chooses to abuse them.

It's complicated, hard, painful and shocking, but your dynamic in his life is not responsible for him choosing to end his life. He alone decided that.

I hope your dds get all the support and information they need. Christmas is gonna be tough. Hour by hour you will make it through.

Lots of love thanks

Fromparistoberlin73 Mon 29-Jun-15 22:52:21

This happened to someone I know also - left him then he killed himself - such a shit 'fuck you ' thing to do - but there you go

It's not your fault - you know that right ! Now move on with your lovely DC free of this abusive shadow

Bless you flowers

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