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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Is there ever a time when you don't miss your loved ones?

20 replies

Orangeanddemons · 05/12/2014 09:33

Dm died in 2006. Ds in 2009. She was in her late 40s.

I miss them both all the time. Never a day goes past when I don't think about them, or want to talk to them

Neither of them saw my lovely dd. Although both knew ds. Both their birthdays were in December. In fact it's my sisters birthday today. Sometimes I just feel so alone. Does the feeling of missing the, ever go away?. I still cry now.

OP posts:

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Badvocinapeartree · 05/12/2014 09:48

Oh orange :(
I dont know the answer to that.
I lost my dad last year very suddenly.
And his sister, my aunt, in march this year.
I think about them both every day. I miss them, and I can't see that ever changing.
I am hoping that the feelings of sadness - even during happy times - ease eventually.
I'm sorry for your loss x

Tigresswoods · 05/12/2014 09:53

All I can say is it does eventually get easier. ?? IT is hard though.

TywysogesGymraeg · 05/12/2014 09:56

I don't think you ever stop missing people who die. But it does get easier to live with as time goes on. I think about my Dad most days, and my grandparents less often, but I often think "I wish they could have known that..." or "I wish they'd been here to see...".

PrincessOfChina · 05/12/2014 10:00

It absolutely gets easier. My DF died in 2002 and my life is so different now (husband, kids, proper job etc) that I can't even envisage him as a part of it.

I still think of him most days, but as PP says it's more like I wish he could know my DD and how proud he would be.

Orangeanddemons · 05/12/2014 10:28

But I still feel they could easily be part of my life today. The space hasn't been filled by anything else. I miss the familiarity and ease of them. The fact that they knew me when I was little, and now only db knows that ( df died when I was very little) so it's not just about missing them, it's about not having anyone to talk about shared memories with.

OP posts:

MaybeDoctor · 05/12/2014 22:38

I think that you always miss and feel the loss of them, but your sense of loss and grief becomes softer and no longer quite so present in your everyday life.

I am 12 years on from losing a parent and feel as if I have come a hugely long way. It has got better for me, a lot better and I mostly feel 'fine'. But, I did have counselling, which really helped and I recommend to anyone. I never imagined that there would come a time when I would feel as comfortable about it as I do now.

I do like to post this on threads from time to time, because I hope that someone in the darkest days might get a bit of hope that one day they will feel better.

Tigresswoods · 05/12/2014 22:46

What MaybeDoctor said. Really well put. X

stargirl1701 · 05/12/2014 22:50

I lost my Mum in 2007 and, yes, it does. It's not as raw as it was, more wistful, maybe, I think. She never met either of my DDs.

I also had bereavement counselling about 4 months after she died.

golemmings · 05/12/2014 22:58

I get the shared memories thing, orange. I'm an only child, one parent dead, the other with dementia. My childhood exists only in my head.

I'm still trying to sort out the stuff we emptied out of my family home and found loads of photos my gran had taken. All the people I recognised in them - grandparents, great grand parents, family friends, aunts, uncles are all dead.

It is lonely - but I tell my children the stories of my childhood and introduce them to the eccentric aunts etc so they know them and when I get time I'll write the stories down. They're not epic, not even interesting to anyone else but they explain family expressions, and explain who I am and where I come from. One day they may be interested, Ii wish I had something similar left by my mum.

MehsMum · 05/12/2014 23:00

It does get easier. DM died 25 years ago and I still miss her sometimes. She never met my husband and or saw my DC.

I missed her a lot for about 5 years. I always noticed the anniversary of her death for about fifteen years. Then, one year we were on holiday across the anniversary and I suddenly realised, a day or two later, that I hadn't noticed it, hadn't felt inexplicably miserable, had just dealt with that day like any other day.

DM herself used to say, about her own DM, you don't get over it, but you do get used it, and I think that's right. I still miss her, and wish she could see me now, and DH and the DC, but it's not raw and horrible in the way it used to be. I know my aunt (her DSis) still misses her too, but I think the rawness has worn off for her, too.

It just takes time, more time than we expect it to.

ssd · 07/12/2014 10:02

thanks for that post MehsMum, just you saying you missed your mum a lot for 5 years helps, makes me feel a bit normal instead of a bit mad

I feel the same as the op, I have no one to share childhood memories with

sometimes I feel like its a shameful secret how much I miss my mum and dad, like its something I have to keep hidden. I have siblings but they literally got over it immediately, in fact there was nothing to get over for them.

i dont talk about how I feel with anyone, its too sad. I had counselling but nothing changes how I feel.

insancerre · 07/12/2014 10:11

It does get easier but it still sometimes stops you in your tracks and hits you like a tonne of bricks
Its 26 years since I lost my db and 15 since I lost my mum and the pain is still there but not constantly like it was in the early days. Anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas are hard
I do feel bereavement has changed me and I absolutely hate christmas

everlong · 07/12/2014 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaitingForMe · 07/12/2014 18:25

My dad died in 2003 and I'm ok with it most of the time but am still surprised by how it can hit me. I re-framed a poster of his for DS's room when I was pregnant. DH put it up and I collapsed. I couldn't handle the fact DS would never meet his grandad.

Today I'm ok. My experience has been that the number of ok days increase but when it hits you it doesn't get easier.

WaitingForMe · 07/12/2014 18:26

My dad died in 2003 and I'm ok with it most of the time but am still surprised by how it can hit me. I re-framed a poster of his for DS's room when I was pregnant. DH put it up and I collapsed. I couldn't handle the fact DS would never meet his grandad.

Today I'm ok. My experience has been that the number of ok days increase but when it hits you it doesn't get easier.

stargirl1701 · 08/12/2014 13:13

Everlong

I think you are right. It seems like 'the natural order' to lose a parent. It's so hard but you adjust eventually. To lose a child just seems so wrong. I don't think that pain would ever go.

Thinking of you and your family x

BobbyGentry · 08/12/2014 13:53

No, in my experience, there's not a time then we'll stop missing loved ones; i don't want to forget, people count. The only thing manageable is the pain in time. Pain is pain and loved ones are loved. Sorry for your recent bereavement, my condolences to you and your family.

MaybeDoctor · 08/12/2014 15:23

I agree, everlong. I wish that it were not so and that something might soften the pain for you.

velourvoyageur · 10/12/2014 11:34

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course it's extremely hard.

IME there are days when it hits you and days when it just feels very distant.

PuddingandPie1 · 11/12/2014 12:18

Unhelpfully I would have to say yes and no. It is over 50 years since my twin brother died so although I think about him I don't miss him in the way I think you mean. I miss my Dad but he had a good innings and was ready to go. With Mum it is more complex, I have few happy memories of her and when she died I was quite pleased that her torment was over. She never got over Stephen's death and basically it ruined her life.

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