14 years ago today

[Edenviolet]

Not sure if this is the right place to post. Not sure if I even should post but can't talk about this in rl and need to write how I feel.

14 years ago today I had a termination. I was in my second trimester and it was a dreadful, horrendous, heartbreaking situation. I was a teenager and really wanted to keep my baby but was forced to end the pregnancy (hence it being quite 'late' as I'd tried everything to not go through with it).

Every year on this day I feel dreadful. Truth be told it is in my thoughts most days and the pain has never lessened.

I just wanted to acknowledge my loss today. I want my baby to know I am sorry and that I loved him so so much.

I just can't stop crying. After all this time and it still hurts so much. I was never allowed to speak about it and have only recently started counselling so things feel particularly raw this year as I've allowed myself to feel what I tried to bottle up for so long.

[AChickenNamedDirk]

I'm so sorry Hedgehog. X

[something2say]

Aww so sorry. Why weren't you allowed to speak about your baby? X

[goingmadinthecountry]

Thinking of you - what a horrible situation for you. I really hope the counselling helps. You shouldn't feel awful about this at all - but you must know that and I'm sure it doesn't help. A termination that late must have been so traumatic for you xx

[Edenviolet]

I was 18, was single at the time, had HG so was a complete mess and not capable of sticking up for myself at all. DM had taken my phone and charger and I was not allowed out without her.
Afterwards DM told me never to mention it ever again, if I did she left the house. I never dealt with it properly

[MiddletonPink]

Goodness me you poor thing. I'm so sorry. So much for you to cope with and then live with all these years.

You've been through a horrendous time, do you think counselling might be an option? Just talking to someone.

Take care of yourself Hedgehog

[RightyTightyLeftyLoosey]

Hedgehog I'm so so sorry for your loss, and that you never got the chance to deal with it.

I had a termination late in the 2nd trimester. I was 15 and mum basically marched me there. I had hidden it for as long as I could as I just couldn't deal with the situation at all.

I am still too frightened to think deeply about it, as I am scared of what that will open up in my head.

Sorry for the hijack, your post has really resonated with me.

((((hugs))))

[Edenviolet]

That's exactly how I feel. At first I wanted to talk about it, and cry but I wasn't allowed/able to.
Now, if I find I'm thinking about it too deeply I do this weird thing of switching my mind to counting in my head and visualising the numbers as if to drown out my thoughts with numbers and the visions with a number too. It sounds completely mental I know.

DM had told me all sorts of rubbish to brainwash me at the time and having HG I was not in my right mind as felt so ill and weak. I didn't know about income support etc andDM told me I wouldn't be allowed to live at home and that I'd have to be at the bus stop at 6am every morning to take the baby to a "horrible council nursery" where they'd not look after the baby well. She convinced me that my now dh hated me and it was heartbreaking for me.
The first apt I got very upset and the consultant refused to go ahead but after going home DM was livid and I had days of hell and mental torture till I re booked.

Going in to too much detail is hard for me and upsetting. On the day I tried to leave but DM was evil to me and said I'd have nowhere to go back to, I had pessaries put in to prepare me for surgery but then panicked and wanted them out but DM laughed and wouldn't get the dr and I was too nervous to stand up. The dr said later that if I left I'd miscarry so then I knew it was too late and I think my mind just went into shutdown mode. It was done and I went home like a zombie.

A few days later it was as if the spell was broken and I became uncontrollably upset. Blamed DM to which she said "you signed the form you gave permission to get rid" I cried as wanted to know where my baby was and DM said "in the hospital incinerator with all the other rubbish and waste"

She broke my heart that day. I can't stop crying as I type this

[TwentyTinyToes]

You poor poor thing, gosh I am crying for you. You were a child and your mother was wicked to you. Could you have some counselling? Go and see your GP?

[Edenviolet]

I have in the past started counselling but the fear of opening up is huge, I honestly feel that it could cause me a complete breakdown. I don't know how my mind would cope with going back there and working through it.

I feel like I should try again but its so, so difficult for me.

I tried a few years ago, I even tried to say goodbye and planted bluebells as they would flower every year (this was when I still lived at home) but DM dug them up. Even now if I bring it up with her 9 times out of 10 she leaves the rest of the time she cries and says I'm punishing her for trying to be a good mother and that she was only doing 'what was best' for me. She twists it so that she's the victim.

[Awks]

I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe dealing with this trauma is the right thing - it will be painful, traumatic and will make you feel like pulling the duvet over your head and never coming out but you probably feel like that anyway. Good luck. Be brave x

[TwentyTinyToes]

The bluebells are a lovely idea, I am so sorry that she dug them up

She was not a victim in this, her actions may of come from wanting the best for you but she was awful, she said awful things to you. She did not act with compassion or kindness.

Could you find a piece of jewellery, maybe a pendant, that you could wear?

I am so sorry this happened to you, do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

Big hugs to you X

[Edenviolet]

I have spoken to dh about it but he wasn't there on the day so I don't think can fully understand what I went through. Yesterday I did get very upset and ended up crying most of the night. I felt acutely aware lying in bed that in the wardrobe next to me was the box full of things I kept, scan photos, clothes dh had bought for the baby, a teddy etc and I wanted to get it out but I just couldn't.

I should have got counselling at the time, instead it just tried to get pregnant again. I think I confused the need to grieve and the need to be pregnant again and time and time again when I felt dreadful I just thought the only way to get over it was to hold another baby but I think that just masked the pain and I needed to grieve.

[MrsKCastle]

Hedgehog I'm so sorry for your loss.

[TwentyTinyToes]

But your words here are beginning to address that pain, you need to grieve and maybe that time is now. I am pleased you have a lovely DH you can talk to and be with.

[Edenviolet]

He did try really hard yesterday, the fact he remembered what day it was meant a lot. Dsis text me too and that meant a huge amount. For years DM pitted us against each other and we didn't get on but yesterday she said she was thinking of me and how sorry she was that at the time she didn't help me, it wasn't her fault though she was only 12 so wouldn't have realised what was really going on.

I think I will always feel like somebody is missing from our family and it hurts so much.

[TwentyTinyToes]

Try to be kind to yourself, maybe you could be really brave and try the counselling again. I hope that you find something that helps with this terrible burden, this terrible pain and that you learn to live alongside it.

I am so sorry for your loss and the cruel way in which your DM acted towards you.

[Fairylea]

I'm sorry for you loss.

You know it's never too late to cut contact with your mother. It might help you to feel you have taken back some control over a situation in which you clearly felt you had none.

Thinking of you x

[MiddletonPink]

I understand the fear of truly facing your grief and that counselling may feel like that. But by not actually dealing with what's happened is imo far more damaging and painful in the long run.

I speak from personal experience.