Stillbirth at 37 weeks, please tell me there is hope

(37 Posts)
Whatshouldidonext Sat 22-Nov-14 15:18:06

We lost our little perfect angel poppy on Tuesday. I chose to give birth to her naturally after finding out the night before we had lost her. We had some precious moments cuddling her and we are planning a service to say goodbye but I am really struggling to find hope to move forward, please can someone give me some positivity that life can be better again.

OP’s posts: |
Badvocinapeartree Sat 22-Nov-14 15:21:33

I am so very sorry for the loss of poppy.
What a beautiful name!
Have you contacted SANDS?

bakingtins Sat 22-Nov-14 15:24:30

V sorry for your loss, I can only imagine how devastated you are. Have you contacted SANDS? They will be able to put you in touch with families who have been through stillbirth and found happiness again. flowers

Chottie Sat 22-Nov-14 15:25:48

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your little poppy. I don't know whether this will help, but we said good bye to a baby in our family this year. We will always miss our little precious one, but we are learning to live with the loss.

Life is slowly, gradually moving forward and behind the grey skies we can see some sunshine and a little rainbow......

marmitelover Sat 22-Nov-14 15:25:58

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have personal experience of this but a very close friend of mine faced the same about 18 months ago. It has been extremely hard for them but 8 weeks ago they welcomed their new daughter into the world. Their grief for their other daughter who died is still so raw but they have found the strength to carry on. I think my friend alternated between despair and anger, and then with time (and a lot of love and support from all those around them) she found some things to smile at and gradually the periods of desperate grief became less frequent. I'm so sorry you're going through this

stareatthetvscreen Sat 22-Nov-14 15:26:07

so sorry to hear about poppy x

a relative of mine lost a baby at full term and has since gone on to have 2 dcs - one dd and a ds.

wishing you and your family all the best for the future xx

Varya Sat 22-Nov-14 15:26:34

First of all, my heartfelt condolences to you. Next, stillbirth, though agonising, is usually for a reason. Give yourselves enough time to grieve after the service and then discuss TTC again. You should receive extra medical attention after such a devastating loss and be monitored throughout a future pregnancy. Nothing I can say will comfort you after such a loss, but I do feel for you and hope you have some RL support at this time. Hugs from Varya XX

DoItTooJulia Sat 22-Nov-14 15:29:28

flowers for you. A hugs.

a great place for babylost parents

Whatshouldidonext Sat 22-Nov-14 15:34:23

Thank you all for your kind words, I am working up to contacting Sands. Just feel so raw and sad, my own body is in pieces due to the trauma which is making moving forward harder

OP’s posts: |
Chottie Sat 22-Nov-14 15:48:17

I would also add be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with caring people and take life just one day at a time. We found it easier not to look too far into the future. flowers

angelopal Sat 22-Nov-14 22:28:11

So sorry for your loss. I lost my first dc 2 years ago suddenly at 4 days old due to an undiagnosed heart defect. As others have said SANDS will be able to provide support. They had online forums which I used as I did not want talk directly to anyone.

It is very early days and the pain in the beginning is immense. In time it will get better and you learn to live with it. For now just take each day as it comes.

We have gone on to have a healthy dc which has helped although can never replace our first.

Take care.

Noellefielding Sat 22-Nov-14 23:20:25

There are no words for this kind of loss, you have so much empathy from me. I had two miscarriages but 37 weeks and labour - that is an extraordinary thing to go through, I can't imagine the toll that would take on two people.
I imagine there must be shock for a long time.
I think time helps us adjust to things we can't imagine ever adjusting to.
Someone said to me once that Life loves the living and that we have to try to love life back for the sake of our own futures and the sake of those we have lost to live for them and for the sake of future lives we may bring into being.
But no one can say how long bereavement lasts for anyone else. It is a unique loss every time and a unique recovery period.

But if you are kind to yourself over time you may be able to wish yourself all the compassion in the world and the love your precious poppy brought to your life will bless you in ways you may not expect.
Sorry for going on, I just wish you strength for this inexpressible loss and also all the support from your loved ones that you need.

Whatshouldidonext Sun 23-Nov-14 08:51:58

Such kind words really help, had a long chat with my husband last night and he has helped me see a little light

OP’s posts: |
gunnsgirl Sun 23-Nov-14 09:00:11

I went through this at 38 weeks many years ago, so I offer my condolences, sympathy and love.

There is nothing worse we can endure unfortunately, but give yourself time and yes there is no reason whatsoever why you cannot go on to have a family. I now have a son and daughter born naturally and with no medical problems. It's a question of taking your time to heal and grieve and when the time is right it will happen.

I know none of this is a great comfort at the moment but please look after yourself and for a time just concentrate on getting better physically.

thegrowlygus Sun 23-Nov-14 09:00:17

Sands are fantastic. Don't hesitate to contact them. We lost our first son at 27 weeks. He will always be missed, and we always talk of him. We went on to have 2 more sons. Hugo will never be replaced. There is a line from a film that I found rather comforting (it is in Rabbit Hole - you can google the whole quote) but essentially the grief is like carrying around a brick in your pocket and as time goes on, you know it is still there but it becomes kind of comforting to carry that weight and remember it.
Oh - and actually - sorry to be the voice of dissent, but more often than not, no reason is found for a stillbirth - which is why Sands is supporting a lot of research into it.
Message me if you would like. xx

Chloe01mum Sun 23-Nov-14 09:02:16

It's three years next month since I lost our little angel. We have another dc now but the sadness is still there even though life has moved on and is good.

I lost my baby earlier than you and we know our baby would never have survived beyond birth but nothing prepares you for the wall of grief you hit.

I have the babies ashes under my side of the bed so she is close to me every night.

Few things that helped me (though obviously different for everyone) was talking things through with the few people who were there for me (believe me you will soon find out who your true friends are) and keeping the memorial service just for dh and I. I know a few family members were hurt about this but the baby only belonged to dh and I at fibs point and I did not think I could cope with anyone else bring there at the only thing I would ever do for my baby.

The minister read the poem little snowdrop..........

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Look after yourself xxxxx

PiratePanda Sun 23-Nov-14 09:03:10

So very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. My grandmother lost her first two children, one a stillbirth, the other lived two weeks. She had four more children and lived to 95, but she never, ever forgot her two lost babies; one of the last things she said was that she was looking forward to being reunited with them in heaven. The pain lessened slowly over the years (they would have been in their early 70s now), but she always held them in her heart. I have never lost a child, so I can't know what awful pain you must be in right now. But there will be people who've been there before you and can at least hold your hand. My heart goes out to you and your family.

DoItTooJulia Sun 23-Nov-14 09:17:54

We are here if it helps.

Look after yourselves, x

QOD Sun 23-Nov-14 09:22:29

So sorry it's just so sad

Only1scoop Sun 23-Nov-14 09:36:59

I'm so so sorry Op....

As others have said Sands can be extremely supportive....

We lost ds but not as late. We had a little service.... just Dp and Myself. Hardest thing ever but so comforted by that now.

Take each day as it comes for now....thinking of you my love, so sorry.

siilk Sun 23-Nov-14 22:20:18

The biggest of big hugs. You will move forward. It will not seem like it now and probably not for some time but you will learn to live with the hurt. You never ever will forget your DC but somehow you find a way to move past the hurt.
We lost our second child at 37 weeks and I felt like my soul had been ripped out of my body. I will miss and long for DC till my dying day. Not an hour goes by when I don't think of him but I found that I had to keep on going. We had amazing support from our family and that helped a lot. I did contact SANDS and had a number of lovely email exchanges. Unfortunately, I was never able to go to a group. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. I remember all the what ifs and the loss of all my dreams.

siilk Sun 23-Nov-14 22:22:03

And you need to grieve for these as well.

Itscurtainsforyou Sun 23-Nov-14 22:28:56

I'm so sorry. There is no pain like it.

Please contact sands, they have meetings where you can talk to other bereaved parents (much more helpful than I expected) or people you can talk to one-to-one.

fairgroundsnack Sun 23-Nov-14 22:35:34

I am so sorry for the loss of Poppy.

Two of my friends went through this about three years ago. They both found SANDS very supportive and have gone on to have another DC. Their first babies are still very much part of their families.

Look after yourself. Thinking of you.

Noellefielding Sun 23-Nov-14 23:10:25

Mumsnet kept me going for a long time after I miscarried about 8 years ago. I just kept coming and there were always people here for me, amazing community, I still feel grateful for it. Grief is a bizarre thing and baby loss is so particular because it varies so much from mother to mother, parent to parent depending on where you are with your fertility. Some women move on very fully after they maybe have a subsequent birth, where some women never ever forget the baby they've carried. It's unique to each mother I think. Although the pain is universal and much more common than we acknowledge as a society I think. It feels lonelier than it need do. I admire people like LIly Allen for being so open about her loss, it's such a powerful thing for a media person to raise the profile and generous of her.

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