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I'm just so sad

(24 Posts)
Professormoriarty Thu 20-Nov-14 18:05:46

Nc for this. It will be two years on Monday since I lost my wonderful father. It was unexpected and traumatic and I thought I was doing better. But my ds has just turned one and I can't stop crying about the fact he will never know his grandfather and I just feel so sad for my ds and me and my mother. And my poor father. He was only 54 and it just isn't fair. I feel like it's just happened. And I just wanted to write it down because I can't really talk to anyone in rl about it in case I upset them. So I'm writing it here.

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 18:09:06

Its crap innit. Still miss mine who died over 20 years ago, I still think of him every day. What are your good memories of him, Prof. ?

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 18:10:13

Like you, the grief felt quite raw for years.

Professormoriarty Thu 20-Nov-14 18:12:53

Thanks for replying. I used to help him with his garden when I was a child and we used to listen to the radio together. We saw each other maybe three times a week just before he died and I really only have good memories (I know I'm so lucky in that respect) other than the events surrounding his death but that also makes it so hard because I know what I'm missing iyswim.

hesterton Thu 20-Nov-14 18:16:15

Your ds is never too young to hear about your dad. Tell him all about him, now and every year as he grows up. Your dad is a part of your son. Nothing changes that.

I'm sorry about your loss. He sounds like a really special man.

mrssmith79 Thu 20-Nov-14 18:16:24

Didn't want to read and run flowers
My heart goes out to you and your mum - I'm sure it's been said a million times but grief has no timescale.
I'm sure that when your ds is old enough to understand you'll do a wonderful job of honouring his grandpa by sharing your own lovely memories with him. Take care x

MrsBertMacklin Thu 20-Nov-14 18:21:30

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain, Professor. My mum died unexpectedly at 57 and I spent a very long time feeling angry about it so I understand a little bit about how you feel.

When you say you can't talk to anyone IRL, do you mean you can't talk to them about how you feel, or you can't talk to them about your memories of your dad?

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 18:22:11

Memories like that are precious arent they, just simple every day things, that at that time dont seem anything out of the ordinary. My own children were too small to remember their granddad, although I have lovely photos of him cuddling them. Each year now, when it would have been his birthday, I make a cake in his honour, and it gives us an opportunity to remember him, and chat about him.

Professormoriarty Thu 20-Nov-14 18:23:52

Thank you both. It's just nice to be able to talk about him without feeling like I've upset anyone. My ds is my father's double (even acquaintances say that after doing a double take) which is lovely but also difficult as when I see him I'm reminded of dad. I do talk about 'grandad' to my ds and the things he did and how much he was loved (there were more people at the funeral than the church could accommodate) but I don't want to confuse him or upset him as he gets older.

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 18:29:45

Does your mother cope? Mine never really accepted the loss, and I was never allowed to talk to her about him, being with her was like my father never existed!! I think children are much more accepting of the facts, which I found very comforting, as I could prattle away to them.

Professormoriarty Thu 20-Nov-14 18:34:57

She's coping as well as she can, but she has a chronic illness and he was an unofficial carer of sorts for her. Now my dh and I see her probably five times a week but she misses him dreadfully and everyone around us sort of treats her loss as the only loss (even writing that makes me feel terrible) but it's almost like my loss has been forgotten. But I haven't forgotten.

MrsBertMacklin Thu 20-Nov-14 18:36:56

Professor, all my GPs died before I was born, I loved hearing anecdotes and stories about them, good and bad and as I got older, looking through photos.

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 18:40:30

You will never forget, I promise you! It is funny though, isnt it, that your mother is the only one presumed to have a loss, a father daughter relationship is so important. Dont feel terrible, you have feelings too, you are allowed to have them.

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 18:43:37

Its a very important part of who you are, isnt it MrsBert, where you came from. I wish I had more photos, they werent so readily available then, pre mobile phones and digital cameras.

Professormoriarty Thu 20-Nov-14 18:45:26

flowers DorothyGherkins and the others who have taken the time to post. It's comforting to be able to talk.

Professormoriarty Thu 20-Nov-14 18:48:54

I've put photos of my dad in my ds' big frame of family pictures (I know it's a bit against mn rules to have lots of family photos around but I like it smile ). My ds also shares a middle name with my dad so he will be able to look back at those links when he's older. I also wish we had taken more pictures.

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 18:50:12

It's good to connect with someone who understands the feeling isnt it, we are not good about talking about it in this country! Talk away all you wish!

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 18:55:23

Oh how lovely his name will live on through your son! I never used to like lots of family pictures when I was younger, but I do now! One of my favourites is my dad holding my very young daughter inspecting something closely in the garden. Neither was aware the photo was being taken, and they are both focusing intently, its a super photo.

Professormoriarty Thu 20-Nov-14 19:05:39

It's lovely that you have that photo. There's a photo of my dad I treasure: he was snapped unawares whilst doing the father of the bride speech at our wedding. He's just beaming, and my son's smile is so similar. My ds is a very smiley baby which helps; it's easier to feel less upset when he's playing and giggling.

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 19:22:11

Very grounding arent they, children! Your photo sounds super too - you just have no idea at the time how important that photo will become.

My dad died young too, early sixties, and at the time I was angry at how unfair it was, as I get older, I appreciate that he didnt have to go through a lengthy illness and protracted treatment, or have a long old age when he couldnt get around and do the things he enjoyed, his life stopped when he was in his prime. I never think of him as an old man in my memory, I still see him as full of joy, living life for every minute.

Professormoriarty Thu 20-Nov-14 20:01:56

I had bereavement counselling for a while. i just kept picturing the night he died (except he didn't, he hung on for 36 hours after, unconscious on itu) and that has faded mostly. But it's so hard this time of year not to focus on those terrible times.

DorothyGherkins Thu 20-Nov-14 20:10:12

Anniversaries always bring it all flooding back dont they. I think the bad memories do fade a little each year, but they never leave you completely. They just suprise you with their intensity when you are least expecting it. You have a very young child too - life is always hard when they are little, and it doesnt give you much time to focus on yourself - so you have done very well to cope with all these momentous life changes in a relatively short space of time.

Messygirl Thu 20-Nov-14 20:16:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Professormoriarty Mon 24-Nov-14 18:20:20

Thanks for those who replied the other day. It is the anniversary today, I wasn't able to come back to the thread over the weekend as we spent time as a family. Quietly reflective today but not as upset as I was the other day. I just can't believe it's been two years.

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