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DFather has had a massive stroke

(91 Posts)
Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 07:49:51

Posted here for the traffic:

My father had a stroke on Sunday. He was alone at home and found unconscious in the evening. He was rushed to hospital for cranial decompression surgery. Since then he's been unconscious and his pupils are not responding to light. He can breathe on his own, though he's attached to a ventilator as a precaution.

Does anyone have experience of a situation like this? What can we hope for? I love him so much.

I've just been told that there's brainstem damage and he has a less than 10% chance of waking up.

ssd Tue 11-Nov-14 07:54:31

I'm so sorry

I dont have experience of strokes, but I'm wondering if reposting in the health section might get you some more useful answers?

thanks for you and your dad x

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 08:19:00

Thanks. I did post in the health section but didn't get any response. The doctors are advising us to let him go. I guess I'm just hoping for a miracle.

PeriPathetic Tue 11-Nov-14 08:22:11

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I lost my grandfather and father to stroke. It's tough, but I think you have to prepare for the worst. Sorry.

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 08:26:02

Thank you. I feel like my whole world is crumbling. He was always the best father anyone could ever have.

PeriPathetic Tue 11-Nov-14 08:30:07

I think you need to go and be with him. Talk to him. Tell him you love him. He will know. Hugs to you.

Helgathehairy Tue 11-Nov-14 08:35:26

I'm so very very sorry. flowers for you.

FlumpsRule Tue 11-Nov-14 08:39:08

So sorry you are having to face this situation. I also lost my father following a stroke. Do you have family with you? I would second spending time with him. I played my dad his favourite music.
Thinking of you thanks

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 08:46:12

Actually I'm in a different city right now but my DM and DSis are with him. I'll be flying out to him first thing tomorrow morning. I had to make arrangements for my DC first.

Yes, I want to tell him I love him. Music is a good idea. He enjoyed music. I'm trying to figure out how to break the news to my DC (11 and 7). They adore him and he was supposed to be coming to visit us this week. I can't bear it.

financialwizard Tue 11-Nov-14 09:03:28

Sorry to say but I also think you need to prepare for the worst. So sorry. It is incredibly hard to be in this situation and not be able to be at their side immediately.

OneLittleLady Tue 11-Nov-14 09:05:33

I'm so very sorry. I think you should prepare for the worst right now sad spend as much time with your DF as you can and be kind to yourself as well thanks

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 09:09:54

I know, I just want to be hugging him right now. DH is being massively supportive. I just want my father back. I can't imagine not having him there to talk to and visit. So many people have been calling to ask about him. So many people who love him and are thinking about him. He was always so healthy too. I never dreamed that something like this would happen.

FlumpsRule Tue 11-Nov-14 09:12:20

Honesty is usually best with children - obviously depending whether they will have sufficient support while you're away. Unfortunately but realistically it's probable that many children at school will be able to empathise. Such a hard time.

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 09:18:51

Yes, I'll have to tell them. I can't find the words. He was so proud of them and everything they did. DD(7) was drawing pictures to give him when he visited us this week. DS (11) and he would sit and watch Formula 1 races together (DH was never a fan). Who will watch the races with him now and patiently discuss all the cars?

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 09:21:23

Oh God, I hurt!

sanfairyanne Tue 11-Nov-14 09:27:54

(((((hugs)))))

i am so so sorry thanks

soupmaker Tue 11-Nov-14 09:37:06

I'm so sorry Liliama.

I've just lost my Dad. Different circumstances but he too was unconscious.

Everyone is different but I am really comforted by the fact I was able to talk to Dad before he passed away and tell him things I wanted him to know.

I was also completely honest with my 6 year old who in fact saw Dad being taken away in the ambulance. When she asked if he was going to die soon I just answered with the honest answer. It makes things easier as then there are no secrets.

And please look after yourself.

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 09:41:01

Thank you, all of you, for the support. I need to go wash my face and pick DC up from school (we're not in the UK). This just feels like a horrible nightmare. He should have been around for years, watched his grandchildren grow up...

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 10:51:31

I told DC and they're howling. I've told them that we'll make a photo album for each of them with their favourite pictures of him, and they could also write down memories of him. Is there anything else you could suggest? DD especially is scared of forgetting things about him.

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 11-Nov-14 11:05:32

I'm so sorry Lilamani, it's an awful thing to deal with. I lost my mum 17 years ago after she'd had a number of minor strokes and then a bad one. She survived 5 years but was unable to speak again and became a very frail, old lady before our eyes. My boys were little at the time and never knew her as a well, healthy woman. However, I haven't let the memory of her die, we have photos of parties etc and DS1 has a cross-stitch work she managed to make for his christening.

It was horrible to watch her deteriorate so quickly and the aftermath of a stroke can be a terrible burden for the victim and the family. It was very clear that she'd had enough towards the end.

Your DC won't forget their DGD because of course he'll be in your hearts.

Thinking of you at such a difficult time. thanks

FlumpsRule Tue 11-Nov-14 11:50:33

It is heartwarming that your dad is so loved by your children - he has obviously been a huge part of their lives and they will have wonderful memories of him.
Their shock/upset may come out in short bursts.
I really feel for you. Wishing you strength over the coming days.

blackeyedsusie Tue 11-Nov-14 12:00:53

been there. done that. it is very hard. so sorry. my dad had a stroke two years ago and I sat with him until he died. flowers it was one of the hardest thing I have had to do.

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 12:18:40

Thank you and flowers to everyone who's been in this horrible situation. I live in the city where my parents spent most of their working lives, so there's a constant stream of calls asking about him. So hard to tell everyone the situation now. DC are trying to be brave.

The doctors are saying that this is a peaceful way to go, no pain and struggling. My DM and DSis are being so strong. I need to be strong too. I don't want my father to hear me crying.

LoisWilkerson1 Tue 11-Nov-14 12:31:44

What a shock for you, so sorry. thanks

Lilamani Tue 11-Nov-14 13:11:29

Thanks everyone, for listening and replying. It helps, somehow to write things down. If I speak to people, I just start to cry.

My father has had a good life. He was generous with his time and money. So many people have called and spoken about how he helped them. Even after retiring, he did a lot of volunteer work. He gave unsparingly without ever expecting returns.

He has been a wonderful and loving father and an amazing grandfather. When I was a child even though he worked long hours, he would make it a point to spend some one-on-one time with me every day. There's so much he's taught me. Even though we were not well off in my childhood, he and my DM never let me feel like I was missing out on anything, we might not have had money but we did so many fun things together.

He was excellent at DIY work too, and could turn his hand to anything from upholstery to car repair. Even when I grew up and moved away from home, I would wait for him to visit and he would go around the house, fixing all the things I couldn't manage.

When my DC were born, he was so delighted. In every picture I have of them with him, they're glued to his side, even when there were other family members around. Any time he sat down, my DD would invariably end up curled up on his lap, or styling his somewhat scanty hair. When my DS was little, he drew him picture after picture of different types of cars and made a scrapbook for him, even though he was still working and had very little free time. It was a labour of love.

Throughout his life, he has been loving, kind, patient, positive, understanding and extremely hardworking. I love him with all my heart and always will.

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