Missing my amazing Mumma sooo much

(19 Posts)
MidnightButterfly81 Sat 20-Sep-14 21:55:42

My Mum died in April from breast cancer that had spread to her brain. She was given the all clear the previous October and was admitted to hospital 5 days before she died.
I am so angry ...... She visited the doctors 7 times, went to a and e twice and had an ambulance crew out in the space of 4 weeks. She was diagnosed with a virus and urine infection. The consultant told us that microscopic cancer cells imbedded in the brain and lay dormant for a few months before she even had the lump removed last yearsad so she had no chance.
She was my best friend, spoke everyday and I told her everything and I feel a part of me is dead now.
I can't get the picture of my lovely mum writhing in pain, and I can't stop thinking of when she told us all that there was nothing more that can be done and she was going to die. She was so brave and said she wasn't scared only sad that she would miss all especially her grandchildren.
It feels like a bad joke. How on earth am I supposed to do this without her? My heart hurts, I have constant panic attacks and can't sleep. Sorry for rambling, hope it makes sense.
It felt good to get it out a bit.

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Badvoc123 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:01:02

Hello op.
I didn't want your thread to go unanswered.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Please post on the support for those who have lost a parent thread in bereavement.
You are not alone, even though you must feel it.
My dad collapsed and died suddenly last July.
It still seems unreal.
Have you spoken to your gp about your sleep issues?

Selks Sat 20-Sep-14 22:01:36

I'm so very sorry, there's no words really, just wanted to post my condolences. You must feel so angry and upset.

MidnightButterfly81 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:15:08

Thanks for replying. I have been to the doc in May and was given diazazepam but it made me feel sleepy but didn't take away the anxiety. I have also tried buspiron but I felt so high. I am seeing a therapist but it costs lots so it's as much as I can afford it.
My doctor has referred me for CBT now which may help.
I just feel like an idiot.
I thought you would get a sign or feeling before something like this happening but I had no clue, it makes me doubt myself and its scary

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Badvoc123 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:21:45

We were at a family wedding.
My dad collapsed and Dh and I did CPR.
But he died.
And nothing will ever really make any sense to me again.
But - like you - I have a Dh and dc and I need to try and rebuild my life.
Find my new "normal"
It's hard, though.
Really hard.

MidnightButterfly81 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:23:23

Badvoc123 sorry to hear about your Dad xxx

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Badvoc123 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:24:41

Thank you.
I read a book last year that helped...I would send it to you but it's on my kindle!
It's called
You'll get over it:the rage of bereavement
By Virginia ironside.
I recommend it x

MidnightButterfly81 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:31:00

wow that must have been such a shock for you. It's like my head keeps reeling and I can't think straight anymore. I feel sick when I realise I will never see or talk to her again.
It's hard as both my girls 11 and 5
are reacting differently and trying to keep my job and family life "normal" when I feel like staying in bed with the curtains closed.

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MidnightButterfly81 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:31:44

Thanks for the recommendation I will have a look xxx

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Badvoc123 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:35:06

My children are exactly the same age as yours op!
My eldest has been ok...upset obv but ok, but my youngest is struggling.
Just after dad died he started school, then my mum was ill, then I had to have an operation, then my dad's sister died....it's been a fun few months sad
The thing is, life for you will never be "normal" again...you lost that when you lost your mum.
I think the way forward with any bereavement is to forge a new normality for yourself.
But it's not easy.
And some days it feels as bad as on the day we lost him.

MidnightButterfly81 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:54:10

It is like a living nightmare isn't it? Life is going by as usual then it's like a huge bomb goes off.
Sounds like you've had a rough time badvoc123 xx hugs to you xx
My girls have been seeing the school nurse team and they have been brilliant. They give them a book to fill in and take them out of class once a week and chat with them. Maybe you could try that with yours? Honestly it has really helped. Xx

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Badvoc123 Sat 20-Sep-14 22:59:33

My sons school has been dreadful sad just not interested.
He is on the wait list for bereavement counselling but it could be weeks yet...

MidnightButterfly81 Sat 20-Sep-14 23:04:07

Maybe get the number for the school nurse team? They have been great. Mine were on the waiting list but thought I'd try them first and I am very glad I did x

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morethanpotatoprints Sat 20-Sep-14 23:06:14

Hello to both OP and Badvoc.

I am so sorry for your losses thanks it is easy for people to say that time is a good healer when they have had the time and know it to be true.
But they are right and one day the pain and heartache you feel won't be as strong.
Give yourselves time and allow yourselves to grieve before you begin to heal.
It has been much longer for me since I lost my parents, there is hardly a day goes by for what I don't think of them. It used to be every day.

During the first year I used to talk out loud to them, it made me feel close to them. I could imagine their reply, their advice, their wisdom and many other things.

My thoughts are with you both, be kind to yourselves. x

Badvoc123 Sat 20-Sep-14 23:08:22

Thank you morethan x

MidnightButterfly81 Sat 20-Sep-14 23:19:09

Xx morethan thanks

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morethanpotatoprints Sat 20-Sep-14 23:34:53

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, there is no right or wrong. I wanted to share something with you both as it helped me immensely. I hope I don't offend you both . {thanks]

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Auden.

BumpKitty Sat 20-Sep-14 23:52:16

Hi all, sorry for your bereavements. I lost my mum to breast cancer in Jan 2013. A few months after she died I had bereavement counselling which was provided by my local hospice free of charge for as long as I needed - Is there anything similar where you are OP? I think the bereavement teams at hospices can sometimes provide care even if the person who has died did not use the hospice itself. Or, if this is not the case for you, what about CRUSE? I think talking therapy helped me to cope, it was good for me to tell someone else the whole story of what had happened as it helped me to put things in order and also have a chance to tell someone about how fantastic my mum was.
It must have been a tremendous shock to lose your mum so quickly and it is not surprising that you are having such a physical reaction to your world irrevocably changing. I still have to say to myself all the time that my mum has died, It's like it's too big to hold it in my head.

MidnightButterfly81 Sun 21-Sep-14 14:02:40

morethan.... I love that poem, I can really relate to it right now!

Bumpkitty..... Thank you for replying, must be hard for you , so difficult to accept that the years will keep going by without them.
I am scared of that. I yearn to hug her, smell her, just have a chat and waffle on like we always did.
I didn't know that about hospices, I will have a look into it xxx

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