Losing friends after bereavement

(11 Posts)
teaandtoastandbutter Wed 06-Aug-14 10:42:22

Has anybody else experienced this?

I lost my dad in May, and whilst most people have been great a small handful of people have been notable in their silence. No texts, messages, cards or phone calls.

It just seems so sad that as well as losing my dad I've lost at least three friends who I thought cared about me.

Has anybody else had this?

OP’s posts: |
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Wed 06-Aug-14 11:29:46

I am so sorry about your dad.

Yes, I lost my mum almost 4 years ago now and a couple of people who I thought were good friends were nowhere to be seen. I have never been able to forgive them, for me it killed our friendship.

People are embarrassed by death, they don't know what to say so they say nothing not realising that that is even worse!

teaandtoastandbutter Wed 06-Aug-14 11:37:34

It's killed the friendships for me, too. I wanted so little from them after all!

OP’s posts: |
buzzy1 Mon 11-Aug-14 17:42:11

I too experienced this after losing my Dad. I felt people distanced themselves, like they were scared to be near me in case I'd burst out crying in front of them. And so called friends who still haven't acknowledged my loss two years later. It definitely helps you work out who your true friends are. Why is death and bereavement so taboo in our society?

onlyjoking9329 Mon 11-Aug-14 21:24:09

I'm sorry for your loss thanks
Sorry you have lost the support of some people.
It must feel like extra loss.
When my DH died I lost a few people too, they weren't friends.
I gained more friends and became closer to people that before were just people I vaguely knew.i hope that's the same for you too.

buzzy1 Mon 11-Aug-14 22:42:34

Thanks oj, it does almost magnify the loss you feel when younotice friends are distancing themselves. I'm sorry for your loss too flowers. glad you have found new friends to support you though. For me I feel close friendships have remained but I felt excluded from group friendships I was starting to form before my loss. Perhaps people feel you never want to socialise again so prefer not to invite you out etc.

cathpip Wed 13-Aug-14 08:31:09

You certainly realise who your friends are, and sometimes it's the ones who are less well known that step up to the plate more. My dh and I have cemented some life long friendships with people who were more acquaintances rather than friends. Others who we thought were true friends and have shied away from us we have let fall by the wayside. I am under no illusion that death is such a taboo subject, the death of our daughter has truly highlighted that, but avoiding you or looking uncomfortable when heaven forbid you mention their name is deeply hurtful and makes me very angry. Am very sorry about your dad op, my mum died a couple of years ago too, you just expect them there forever really don't you?

dorasee Wed 13-Aug-14 08:45:48

I feel for you OP. The death of a parent is a life-changing loss which most people who haven't experienced such a loss are pretty crap at supporting. You get two types of supporters: those who are human to the core, down to earth and understand that death is just part of the package and can therefore 'go there' with you and then there are those who don't want death or sadness to tarnish their nice, happy world. Death is a drag, a bummer and I have learned that some people can't handle the losses of others and so they draw back. It really is one of those 'life events' that shows you who your true friends and yes, even family members are. May your sorrow pass and may the best memories of your parent bring smiles of joy to you soon again.

willmama7 Sun 17-Aug-14 10:04:26

thanks just wanted to say sorry for your loss OP and yes this has happened to me too after DM death 1 yr ago. completely agree with previous posts and can only add just hang in there and don't make any life changing decisions for 2 years. (that was advice given to me and a year on I'm glad I took it). MN always here if you need people biscuit

SystemId Sun 17-Aug-14 10:07:21

This happened to me too.
It definitely shows you who your friends are - I echo that.
Good luck OP

nenehooo Wed 27-Aug-14 10:59:15

Can I please ask what your friends did to help? Those that were helpful? DH's friend's mum just passed after a short illness, and DH just doesn't know what to do. I've been encouraging him to just keep checking in and offering his time should his friend need it, but so far friend hasn't actually wanted to talk. I've text him a couple of times just to say we're thinking of him and always there, but DH never knows what to say.
My heart goes out to you all.

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