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Expecting first child, so sad my Father isn't here to share

(4 Posts)
freneticfox Fri 01-Aug-14 14:11:44

I hope this won't be too long, but I've been so swept up in everyone's happiness about my pregnancy that I feel I haven't had proper time to process part of my grief.

In August 2012, after a year of mystery illness, my Dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma - I didn't actually find out until October 2012 - the day after my wedding as he was adamant he didn't want me to know and worry. Three weeks after the wedding he went into surgery to have a tumour removed from his spine. A week on from that he contracted pneumonia and was moved to intensive care - my Mum told me over the phone that he wasn't expected to last the night (5th November), so DH and I made the two hour drive down to my home town to be with him.

Against all odds, he pulled through and just five weeks later he was in a quiet ward, having been given the all clear (successful chemo). We were given the date of Tues 18th December 2012 for his coming home date. On Monday 17th December, I spoke to him on the phone and we laughed over the fact my Mum would be fattening him up over Christmas. He told me he loved me and couldn't wait to see me the next week. Two hours later, a nurse from his ward called me, she couldn't get hold of any other family members (they were out celebrating). My darling Dad had collapsed while getting into bed and never woken up. My world stopped completely. Having to locate my Mum and tell her over the phone as we drove down that he'd gone was the single hardest thing I've ever had to do.

We found out on Christmas Eve that he'd suffered a Brain Stem Stroke and had gone instantly; he had no chance. As an only child born of IVF in the 80s (my Dad was previously told he was infertile), I was a very much loved and wanted child. I was always Daddy's girl and he was my hero in every sense of the word.

What is currently breaking my heart is something that happened while he was in intensive care. He had been unresponsive to everyone, even my Mum. But when I took his hand and said into his ear that he had to pull through because we'd be trying for kids soon (this was true, we originally planned to start TTC in Jan of 2013). He then squeezed my hand so hard it hurt my fingers. He would have made a phenomenal Grandpa, he was wonderful with children and I know it would have been the highlight of his life.

I fell pregnant in May of this year after finally feeling ready to start TTC. My Mum is wonderful and it's given her a renewed sense of 'future'. She will be a tremendous Nan and we're so close, I know we'll be a very happy family. I just can't help feeling this big widening sense of sadness and I keep imagining how my Dad would be reacting to certain things, what he'd be saying and how excited he'd be.

Sorry this was a bit of a long post, I just felt I needed to say it somewhere, in the hope someone will understand.

LittlePink Fri 01-Aug-14 15:51:18

That brought tears to my eyes and a sinking feeling in my heart because I know what you're going through and I do understand. My dad passed away in april this year from stomach cancer and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was pregnant with DD when he was going though chemo 2 yrs ago and I kept telling him dad once you get through this, you will have a new grand child at the end of it. He was due to have his last chemo session in the may and DD was due the end of may and im sure it helped him to get through it knowing there was something exciting at the end of it. Sadly the cancer came back a year later and it was so aggressive they couldn't treat it and told him to go home and enjoy what was left. He made it 7 months from diagnosis until he passed away. We got a call too from the hospice saying they couldn't get hold of mum and that they had gone in to wake him in the morning and there was no response so they decided to leave him a bit and try again later. They tried again at 9am and he was still unconscious and the nurse called to say she felt he'd entered a new phase now. Turns out mum was on her way there anyway. He died that night with us all there. I think this new baby is giving the family something to focus on and me too, so im not sure im grieving the way I would have been. Its weird, I don't know where I am in the grieving process at the moment.

freneticfox Fri 01-Aug-14 17:31:25

I feel for you, since Dad died I've been counting time in months and days since it happened... But since falling pregnant, I'm counting in weeks of pregnancy or months until I'm due. I feel like it's part of a 'new normal' that I'm not ready to accept.

Sending best wishes, it's a truly awful time x

wiifitaddict1 Tue 12-Aug-14 21:35:54

So sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 22 years ago so missed out on all my dcs births. My mum passed away about a year before conceiving my last child. It was hard not having my parents but strangely I found comfort from the new baby growing in my belly.
I hope you can find some comfort too.

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