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Lack of sympathy from friends for loss of MIL

(10 Posts)
mydoorisalwaysopen Thu 17-Jul-14 10:45:11

My MIL died last week, suddenly and unexpectedly. We are all in shock and I feel silly for even noticing, but none of our mine and DH's friends have sent us a sympathy card. People have said sorry when we've told them and I've had a couple of texts. Is this normal or am I expecting too much from others.

greyslates Thu 17-Jul-14 11:08:44

Sorry to hear that sad I have to say that it wouldn't occur to me to send a card. I'd just offer sympathy when speaking to you as they seem to have done.

mydoorisalwaysopen Thu 17-Jul-14 11:18:58

Thanks - I can't believe some of the things that are running through my mind, from the most inconsequential to what's it all about ponderings.

Jubelteen Thu 17-Jul-14 11:23:27

Sorry that you've lost your MIL.
I would expect friends to send a sympathy card. I would certainly send a card if a friend lost a parent and we would attend the funeral.
I can understand if DH has single friends, I know it's very 50s housewife to say it but if I didn't organise sending cards it wouldn't happen.

MsGee Thu 17-Jul-14 11:39:55

Sorry for your loss.

My MIL died 2 weeks ago (suicide, also sudden and unexpected), three months after FIL died. We have had a handful of cards from MIL friends, a neighbour and from some of my clients. I think we had 1 when FIL died (from the same client, who has never met PILS, just very lovely). We haven't had anything from mine or DH friends and I think that that is ok - I think it is much more of an older generation thing to send cards. What I have had is texts, offers of playdates for DD, visits from friends to see how we are and offers of company if needed - all of which are hugely appreciated.

I am learning that you cannot worry about other people's responses to bereavement. People don't know what to say, or ask inappropriate questions, or generally talk about how it affects them. Many of our friends are giving us the space that we have needed to get our heads round this as a family, which we have appreciated.

So my only advice is to be kind to yourself. Don't worry about the rest of the world, focus on supporting your DH (and any DC).

mydoorisalwaysopen Thu 17-Jul-14 11:53:12

MsGee - you are right. Thanks for taking the time to answer. Very sorry for your double loss.

minmooch Thu 17-Jul-14 11:56:41

I'm sorry for your and DH's loss. People don't know what to say - no excuse really but look for offers of kindness rather than words on a card.

MsGee Thu 17-Jul-14 12:21:26

Thanks mydoor it has been a horrible year for us but I figure it can't get much worse?!

I think it is also important to ask for help. When we found out about MIL a lovely friend came over that day, listened to me and then left her DD to play with mine so she was distracted. We have also got a friend who has offered to help with probate (which we will take them up on) and we have told friends who have offered babysitting that whilst we kind of need to bunker down together now, we will take up the offer once the dust settles.

Just give yourselves some time - 2 weeks in and we are just getting through the shock of it all.

mydoorisalwaysopen Thu 17-Jul-14 12:49:08

MsGee - I fear we will be in a similar situation soon as FIL is very frail and heartbroken - has said he no longer wants to carry on.

MsGee Thu 17-Jul-14 12:58:06

Oh my door ((( ))) I do hope not. All I can say is listen to him, get him help and tell him how much he is needed. I wish I had said in clear words to MIL that suicide would not be an option and would devastate her son.

Mind you, I am not sure that any of that would have made the difference with MIL. I think she made her decision as soon as FIL died. I just wish she had trusted that things would improve and that life would hold joy for her again, but she couldn't see it.

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