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Ashes, do I have the right to just act?

(5 Posts)
brannagirl Mon 14-Jul-14 18:10:10

It's been 4+ years since my lovely mum died, and my father has a new gf. Just after her death he was full of plans for building a memorial and putting the ashes there, but her ashes are still in a cupboard. It upsets me, and when I ask what/when he's going to do something he becomes vague, and if I push he becomes angry. My mum didn't want to be buried because she was afraid of 'a lonely neglected grave' and I feel so bad that her ashes are in a dark cupboard. She loved the sea, and I'm so tempted to just take her ashes to the cliffs and scatter her. But my dad would probably be furious. I'm an OC and there's no other family.

Any advice is welcome.

lauren222 Mon 14-Jul-14 18:26:38

Instead of asking your dad what he plans to do I would explain your plan for the ashes and why you think your mum would like the ashes to be scattered by the sea. If he refuses, raise your concern that your mum would not want her ashes to be locked away in a dark cupboard. There is probably a much deeper reason for why he hasn't arranged anything yet.

brannagirl Mon 14-Jul-14 18:59:04

I suppose there are deeper issues, they were together 35 years, though he never talks about her anymore.
I sometimes think he doesn't want to admit he has no intention of doing anything, but doesn't want to lose face and admit it, and maybe he would prefer me to just do it and then he is saved the hassle. Also, his gf is going to move in at some point and I believe she doesn't fancy the prospect of a memorial to my mum in the garden.

I probably sound all bitter and angry, I'm not, I just miss my mum so much, and there's so little I can do for her now, except make sure that her remains aren't neglected.

JudysPriest Sat 02-Aug-14 22:01:37

My Mum still has my Dad's ashes in her wardrobe. There were plans of beaches and beautiful views. She's not ready to let him go yet.

PuddingandPie1 Sun 03-Aug-14 16:41:00

I don't think he is ready to let go yet. In any event the decision is, both legally and morally, his. You have shared what you think with him, you can do no more.

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