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When you lose someone suddenly

(15 Posts)
mytwoblackandwhitecats Sun 01-Jun-14 13:48:13

My dad was not even 70. He was so fit and healthy. He loved walking and had been a keen footballer and runner in his younger days.

He didn't smoke and he ate well. Grew all his own veg and made jams, chutney, various preserves.

He went on holiday at the beginning of May. A week later I was contacted to say he'd died. No warning whatsoever, he just pretty much literally dropped down dead sad

I was initially in pieces but the insurance company were helpful and he came home and I've been busy with funeral arrangements and so on.

The funeral was last week and now I feel overwhelmed with everything else I need to sort, with no warning I don't even know where some of his finances are!

Its awful having to sort stuff like this when you're grieving anyway.

I just wondered if anyone else had experienced the shock I have - I honestly don't know what to think.

Hassled Sun 01-Jun-14 13:55:30

My father was in his mid-60s when he just dropped down dead - and yes, like you, the shock was horrific. It made it so hard to begin to accept - people talk about that denial stage of bereavement, and I think the denial stage lasted a long time with me because there had been absolutely no preparation. It was over a year later before, if the phone rang at a certain type of day, I wouldn't think "oh good - that'll be Dad". And yes, like you, paperwork was a mess, he'd left no funeral instructions etc etc.

But having watched my mother die a slow painful death from cancer, the comfort I can take from my father's death is that he didn't suffer at all. He would have hated being in hospital for any period - from his point of view, it was the best way to go. It's just everyone else left behind reeling from the shock who suffers.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a platitude to say it gets easier - but you do learn to manage the grief better over time.

ajandjjmum Sun 01-Jun-14 14:00:41

I'm so sorry for your loss - it must be a dreadful shock to you. One step at a time, one day at a time....... x

VioletGoesVintage Sun 01-Jun-14 14:13:38

Yes, I've been there. My father was just 60 when he died unexpectedly. The shock was immense; after an initial wave of grief it made me numb for some time. I moved forwards on autopilot, dealing with solicitors, insurance companies etc on behalf of my mother who really wasn't able to cope at first.

Are you dealing with this alone? Siblings? A partner? I had both, which definitely helped. If you don't have anyone perhaps there's a friend you can emotionally unload to when you feel ready?

Honestly, I would try not to worry about what is "right" to think. Not now. Not yet. You will get there in time, I promise.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Sun 01-Jun-14 15:17:17

I went through this last year .My mum Was 68 .She died of a heart attack but I think there were many factors that contributed to this .She lived in Spain with my stepdad .
It was such a shock .No warning .just gone .Got the phone call 930 at night on a Thursday .Flew out 6o'clock Saturday morning .funeral 1pm On Monday.
It was better for her regarding prolonged suffering but such a shock for us .
I swear I shed tears everyday for a year .Don't get me wrong normal life resumed but tears everyday.
Then going through the first summer without her .We went to see her in Spain every year.Then Christmas and New Year .Then her Birthday .My birthday .And then the dreaded anniversary of her passing .

It was only after this my heart was a bit lighter.
What I'm trying to say is grieve at your own pace .There is no right or wrong way to grieve .
Try and be kind to yourself .xxx

mytwoblackandwhitecats Sun 01-Jun-14 17:31:50

So sorry to all those who have also been there. My mum died from cancer when I was a teenager and that was awful but some "preparation" at least

I have a brother but he requires much support.

It's so hard.

BackforGood Sun 01-Jun-14 17:43:07

Sorry for your loss.
I lost my sister when she was 39 - no warning, nothing. It's very hard at the time, but we've taken great comfort from the fact that she wasn't ill or in pain or suffering at all - was at a very happy place in her life when she died, and the coroner told us she'd likely to have known nothing of it.
It takes time, but we do get comfort from that.

Do you have an organised friend or cousin or someone who can help you with the paperwork ? It's hard to do everything on your own sad

tallulah Sun 01-Jun-14 17:43:29

So sorry to hear this. My dad was 62. Like yours, fit and healthy. Had been watching his weight and had always been a keen sportsman, never smoked.

Got The Call from hysterical mother at 7 am one Friday that he'd died during the night of a heart attack.

His paperwork was in impeccable order with all the papers filed and a note of what was what, but it was still so hard sorting it all while trying to shore up mother. I didn't/ couldn't cry and ended up developing (bizarrely) RSI through the shock, that lasted a good year. It wasn't until we got to the 7th anniversary before we were able to think of him fondly without the pain sad and I still see my life in terms of before then and after then.

mytwoblackandwhitecats Sun 01-Jun-14 17:46:06

Well, it's more lack of paper than abundance of paper; my dad did everything online and I don't of course have his passwords.

I think I've managed to get things organised reasonably well but I need to sell the car, caravan and sort out all his clothes to charity shops which is breaking my heart.

WaveorCheer Sun 01-Jun-14 17:53:55

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my beloved grandma in a road accident eighteen years ago this month. The shock was terrible. God I'd bloody love a hug from her right now.

mytwoblackandwhitecats Sun 01-Jun-14 18:21:02

Oh wave, how awful sad I'm so sorry. flowers

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Sun 01-Jun-14 19:45:44

Hugs to all of us .
Two cats how do I say this gently .There is no rush to do the extra stuff. Take care of what's necessary and save your energy .Do it when the time right . Xxxxx

lollypop77 Sun 01-Jun-14 21:23:07

Im reading through all your storys and decided to register dad passed suddenly two years ago he was 61 was not excpected ...I had already lost my mum to cancer 8 years previous ... I still struggle as my dad kept me and my siblings strong 37 an have two children and a supportive partner ... but the pain is still there an to make matters worse my siblings we are drifting apart ..we seem to have silly issues but with my dad gone it seems to have left such massive hole would be nice to just know what my dad and my mum thought ..I hope they dont feel too disapointed in our failure to stick together children we were extremly close but since my dad we have crumbled ...

mytwoblackandwhitecats Sun 01-Jun-14 22:02:57

Huge hugs everyone.

Lolly I really sympathise. I love my brother but feel my dad was the glue holding us together sad

lollypop77 Sun 01-Jun-14 22:12:29

Thanks two cats takes time and it is a terrible hill to climb and when you feel like your getting sumwere you take a little tumble ... it is so common in grief everything is overwhelming but it will fall into place ...your strength will return you have had an awfull shock ..I send my condolences .xx

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