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I don't know how to move forward

(3 Posts)
rainbowsandstars Fri 16-May-14 14:22:09

This is my first post on MN so please be kind. I will try to explain my situation as short as possible but it is pretty complex so here goes.
My childhood was a difficult one, I am an only child, my DM had a serious mental illness and my DD lived in Australia. My Dgrandparents were my rocks, they were there when I was scared, they were there when my mum was sectioned multiple times and they loved me when it felt no-one else did.
Fast forward to now. I have 4 great kids and an amazing DH. My DM has lived alone without treatment all my adult life and our relationship has been pretty much non existent. I have cared for my DGrandparents for over 10 years. 18 months ago my DGM fell and broke her shoulder, we went through 6 months of hospitals. medical staff, social workers and homes and she passed away nearly a year ago. I was devastated. she was in all ways but DNA my mum. I had to be strong for my DGD he had just lost his world, they were married for 65 years. My DM was still very much mentally ill and all of us had a very difficult relationship with her. She didn't see my DGM before she died and she didn't come to the funeral even after my poor DGD begged her. Shortly afterwards my DGD became ill too, more hospitals, more emergencies. In January this year my DGD had a heart attack and I was told he was dying. I sat by his bedside for a week before he lost his fight and joined my DGM. I Had lost both my 'parents' in 7 months. When I came home from the hospital I knew I had to again face my DM and tell her the terrible news. When I got there I was horrified to find she had also passed away.
The last few months have been a blur. My whole family has gone. I don't know who to grieve for. I have 2 houses to clear and 2 estates to sort out (my DM was also an only child). I feel so much guilt about my DM, I had no relationship with her, she was very aggressive towards us all and wouldn't accept medical help or our help but she desperately needed it. She died of a 'lower respiratory tract infection' something that could have been so easily treated. I spent so many years trying to get her help but feel like I gave up on her when she really needed me. I feel like a fraud grieving for her when I didn't have a relationship with her. In reality I have been grieving for my lost relationship since I was a child. I need to make so many decisions, I need carry on with my life and be there for the family I have still got, they are my world, I just don't know how.
This has been longer than I intended. I don't know if anyone is still reading but thank you for listening if you are, I think I just needed to write it all down.x

MrsMcEnroe Fri 16-May-14 14:31:02

Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry for your losses. And I include your lost relationship with your mum in that.

I've lost both my parents, and was adopted as a baby so I also lost my birth mother iykwim? - my advice would be to just take things really slowly. Dealing with the estates etc can be done in small chunks, as and when you feel up to it. It's ok to grieve, and it's ok to grieve for your mums even though she wasn't a mother figure in the traditional sense of the word.

I'm very glad to see that you have a lovely husband and children who will provide support and comfort to you at such a difficult time in your life. There is no "right" way to feel when dealing with the death of your loved ones; sometimes you just have to give in to the feelings and howl, or whatever you need to do.

Cruse is a fantastic organisation - please do check out their website. They can provide counselling if you need it, and they have a wealth of resources to help you.

Thinking of you x

Mojito100 Fri 16-May-14 14:58:28

I also am so sorry for the losses you have suffered. As MrsMcenroe said all of those relationships are important to recognise.

You are grieving and it is a terribly hard road to walk. We are here for you and willing to listen when you need to offload. Everyone's grief is so personal so even though we understand how you feel and we grieve the loss of our loved ones we all walk our own paths. The thing we all do though is never criticise, we never ridicule and we always understand and support.

You may feel anger, sorrow and everything in between. Let it out. Be as kind to yourself as you can, care for your health and write whenever you need.

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