I'm back at work (3 days) and it wasn't too bad. Had to keep escaping for little time outs but then back at my desk. Everyone very supportive. Spent a lot of time re reading his emails to me-random stuff about arrangements we had made for meals out, plans for the weekend, letting me know he was working late-so normal and yet so poignant. We should be at his friend's wedding today. He would be in a new suit and I would be off to the hairdressers this morning looking forward to a day of celebrations. I can't face going alone and have wished them my very best but have told them I won't be there. It's our close friend's daughter's 21st tomorrow-we should be looking forward to going together as a family with our 3...
Life feels so very cruel at the minute. I've been told the inquest will be held over the summer and I so need answers right now. The police have advised me to ask for 'full disclosure' from the coroner-not sure what that means but I've sent them an email. Not sure why I'm writing all this down, just feel so so sad and lonely without my other half-and he really was my other half. We were a team, so in love all these years down the line, we loved embarrassing the kids with our hugs and hand holding! My future seems bleak, kids have got their own lives and that's how it should be but mine has been snatched away and I want to rage at the world.
I want you back with me, I want you to hug me and call me 'babe' all the time, I want to be planning our rare weekends away drinking red wine and being soppy, I want to go on our long dog walks again, I want to hear you shouting at the football on tv or laughing at stupid comedies that I never got, I want to see you sitting in the kitchen helping with revision or re-stacking the dishwasher cos I could never do it right (that was your job!), I want to look foward to you coming home from work early on Fridays, hearing your car reverse up the drive and knowing we had all weekend together. I miss you so so much every second, every minute, every day xxx
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Bereavement
nearly six weeks on-loss of DH
Leakingwellies · 25/04/2014 08:20
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could make it better but I can't. All I can do is offer a hand to hold and an ear to listen.
I totally understand the need to rage. I think it's a very natural reaction to grief, especially when you feel your future has been snatched away. Take the time you need and lean on people. It's hard sometimes to take up peoples offers of help but do, it helps you & makes them feel useful. There is only one way to deal with grief and that's whatever way feels right for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you take it at your pace, laugh, cry, scream, shout and smile whenever you want to. We will be here whenever you need us.
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