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The never-ending love story : Mia

(93 Posts)
MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 23-Apr-14 23:11:11

Two and a half years ago today, we woke to a little red-head climbing all over us, giggling and smiling, as she always did. It was Mr Mia's birthday, and all kinds of festivities were planned. Who ever knew that our world would change forever, when Mia died unexpectedly after only five hours in hospital.

Since then, we have been through the worst of days. Days I would never wish upon anyone, dark days without hope, without understanding, in an abyss of pain and confusion.

And I cried and I wrote. Here and in real life, I found so many friends, kind hearts willing to listen and support and encourage me to remember my cheeky girl with her crazy scream and sweet antics. Shared pain, unexpected but unstinting friendships, for which I will always be grateful.

We have been through Mia's inquest, have worked with the hospital to improve its care, and established Mia's Wood in her name. And when Finn arrived in our lives, joy re-entered as well. I still believe he is Mia's birthday present to me.

We find Mia's presence in so many things now. The ring I wear. The cloud kisses we see in the sky. The blackbird who sings on the rooftop. The iris and rose and red oak planted in our garden. The smile on her little brother's face, and the same look of wonder and curiosity.

Good friends also send me their thoughts of Mia, whether it is from a dream, something their children have said, a poem remembered. Knowing that Mia is still in their minds is enormously touching.

Mia is still with us, just not in a way I want. But it is all I have. So this is part of Mia's story, keeping her in our lives.

Mia darling, I just want you to know how much we love you. I want you to know that I carry you in my heart forever.

This is my love song to you, beautiful girl.

Mummy xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 23-Jun-14 22:03:40

A whole month since I last wrote here. It doesn't mean that Mia is any less present in my life though. Maybe I just accept it all and get on. There really isn't any other choice, is there?

However, on Saturday, for the first time in a while, I felt true anger about Mia not being here. I was reading a FB post from one bereaved mother to another, both friends of mine, united in loss - and I found myself welling up. I hate that we all remember our daughters in this way, rather than rejoicing and despairing of their behaviours.

Mia was taken unjustly, unfairly. Who dared to do such a thing, wilfully or simply thoughtlessly? Who is prepared to be responsible? No-one.

The cost is immeasurable.

Mia is not here to enjoy a life she should be having. The life of a normal little girl, to be taken to gymnastics, to dress in tacky Disney dresses, to fall over and scrape her knees… nor to be cuddled and kissed better, nor to beam as she performs a song, nor to be rebuked when she is horrible to her little brother.

All that love and joy she is missing out on. That we are missing out on. And it comes back a thousand-fold because every day we enjoy Finn so much.

The phrase "it's not fair" comes to mind, but that is the least adequate description of what I feel.

Mia deserved so much more.

thedaymylifestoodstill Tue 24-Jun-14 12:25:39

Hi Miasmummy

There's nothing I can say I know, but I read your last post and wanted to say I understand. Although my DD died as a newborn, the feelings of 'it's not fair' hit me regularly.

I know I can't say anything, but I'm here.

Little Mia, always always remembered xxxx

trulymadlydeeply Tue 24-Jun-14 18:02:49

Hi Mias, Lovely to hear from you. It sounds as though you are busy and mainly enjoying life. I'm so sorry that the unfairness has hit - but it's TRUE: relentlessly unjust and unfair that she isn't here to enrich your lives and live her own.
Thinking of you with love. xxx

Pidgy Wed 25-Jun-14 02:38:17

It is unfair in the worst possible way. Although as you say, those words aren't strong enough.

Thinking of you often mias. X

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sat 28-Jun-14 22:43:13

Today was one filled with some wonderful friends, friends whom we know through a pre-pregnancy programme before Mia was born. They are part of a special group who has sustained us throughout the dark times, and who openly love Mia almost as much as we do.

In the afternoon, our children all played together, squealing like banshees as they clambered on our bed, and climbed into Finn's cot, jumping, bouncing and giggling madly. Finn was right in the middle, watching the 'big kids' and immediately copying their actions. It was beautiful, wonderful, happy chaos.

Each friend independently remarked afterwards how they had thought of Mia while the children were eating and screaming, two of her particularly memorable talents - and how Finn's naughty look was so very like hers.

Love how she lives on in her friends and her little brother.
Still confused that she has to.

LilyTheSavage Wed 02-Jul-14 17:33:00

Your lovely post makes me grin Happy little Rainbow Finn.

GranddadofMiaAlexandra Wed 02-Jul-14 20:30:53

Today, in the depths of a southern Australian winter, at temperatures which approach those of an English winter, Mia's Irises are flowering - some on plants that have never flowered before.
There is still anger and grief at many aspects of Mia's illness, management, and death, but somehow the pale purple, paler than the vibrant purples Mia wore in life, has a calming effect which I cannot explain.

Mojito100 Thu 03-Jul-14 15:50:18

Grandad , your post is as eloquent as Mia's' mums. Take care.

Astralabe Mon 07-Jul-14 22:09:15

Grandad - so lovely, the purple .. What a family x

giraffescantboogie Mon 07-Jul-14 22:12:30

thinking of you x

onedev Mon 07-Jul-14 22:28:31

Your love for Mia shines so brightly through your posts. Unfair in so many ways but lovely to hear that Finn is doing so well & bringing such joy.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 07-Jul-14 23:03:45

From our circle of friends whom we met when Mia was born, I am now godmother to one little girl, who was born a few weeks before she died, and now MrMia and I are about to become godparents to the little brother of one of her friends. Not only does she have a little brother in Finn, and a whole family who love her, but she now has a younger god-sister and a baby god-brother - a wonderful family extension, all because of she is part of our lives.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 10-Jul-14 23:06:49

MN friends, you continue to amaze me. Just look at this. Just wow. The kindness of strangers has grown into the love of new friends. A woodland themed craft sale and auction for Mia Many, many thanks, and much love. xx

LilyTheSavage Fri 11-Jul-14 08:11:18

Just wow! How wonderful. The outpouring of love and kindness is humbling.xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 21-Jul-14 23:00:14

Liquid gold is the air
Whoever looks round
Sees eternity there

Yesterday we went to an outdoor musical / dance performance in a cathedral of trees - quite lovely. It was a celebration of natural beauty, asking us to take the time to absorb the miracles of life around us, whether it was simply a blade of grass or the magnificent crown of a mighty tree. It was beautiful. And one of the treasures, nestled on a bed of living grass, in precious wooden boxes of knowledge, were a series of gold leaves. We have the same leaves ourselves - all the family does. Mia leaves.

I see your golden beauty, darling girl. I see your eternal beauty, sweet darling. You glow in my eyes.

Pidgy Sun 27-Jul-14 15:36:02

The dance performance sounds lovely.

Your sweet, precious little girl lives on in so many places and so many people. You should be bursting with pride. A Mia butterfly effect.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 11-Sep-14 22:37:51

I haven't posted in such a long time. But I've been busy, thinking of you, my little girl, because your daddy and I are working on MiaFest, the children's outdoor festival we are holding very soon in your honour. It is good to have your name on my lips, to have a positive excuse to talk about you, to think of you.

I am looking up more again, looking for your cloud kisses. I had somehow forgotten to look up.

The sweet peas I planted this summer, for you, my Sweet Pea, have been glorious, and their subtle scent has filled the bedroom many times with huge new bunches of blooms. And your Mamma Mia roses have been simply perfect, blossoming outside the back door, quietly, beautifully, for me to enjoy whenever I looked out.

Finn is just amazing. Adventurous, naughty, and very physical, with the cheekiest grin in the world. He runs everywhere. We have just started using the concept of the naughty step with him. He loves being around older children, and it makes me think just how he would adore having a big sister. He says your name quite clearly now. And when I was looking at some videos of you the other night, I was struck at how similar your features and expressions are, even if your colourings are completely different.

Cousin L turned 4 in June, and she loved the fairy door we sent her. I am always sad that she is missing the cousin bond that all the others share, without you.

Miasgrandad gave us all a huge scare a few weeks ago, as he had a little stroke. He has recovered very well, and has regained most of his speech and some of his movement in his right arm, but fully recovery is some months away yet. He still is himself though, with his quirky sense of humour intact. But the hours when we didn't know how serious it would be, while I waited after that first call, were so very scary. I felt so far away. It was good to see him on Skype as soon was practically possible. He is typing again, but slowly.

This last weekend was amazing, as the WoollyHugs team had an amazing auction and sale in your honour, to raise money for Mia's Wood. There was the most beautiful WoollyHug created in your name, a stunning mosaic, and over 170 lovingly-crafted woodland items on sale. It was just beautiful knowing that all these people had you in their minds as they made the items, and they bid on them. There was so much fun and humour. And then at the final moment, some crazy, wonderful friends won the bidding, and they have given the WoollyHug to us. It was intensely emotional, but incredibly positive as well.

So much love for you, my darling girl. From all over the world. I am so, so proud of you.

But I do miss you. So very much. Your daddy had a little cry the other night, wanting to share the experience of a starry night with you.

It is still bewildering and shocking, knowing that this horrible truth, and the unknown reasons of how it all happened, has to be accepted, as it can never be changed. I look at the videos of you, where you laugh, you are intensely interested, when you scream, and just wonder how it could all just have been stopped so very suddenly. That little life, those soft hands, all that love…

It is your birthday on Monday. Come and visit me in my dreams soon, darling girl, just so I know you are there.

Love, always love
Mummy xx

Flexibilityisquay Fri 12-Sep-14 10:54:47

I haven't posted on your threads before, but have often read them. Every time I read what you write about Mia it makes me cry. It is so wrong that she is not still here with you!

eightytwenty Fri 12-Sep-14 21:31:14

How lovely of your friends, what a kind, generous and thoughtful thing to do. Lovely to hear how Finn is doing, he sounds quite a character. Still think of you & Mia often.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 15-Sep-14 07:23:59

When I saw you for the very first time on this day four years ago, I thought I was the luckiest person in the world. You immediately fulfilled an secret, unspoken dream, to be the mother of a beautiful little red-headed girl, just be being you.

Four years, darling girl.

We should have a mantelpiece filled with birthday cards. There is just one, simply saying "Thinking of you".

Yet you are being celebrated on Saturday in the most wonderful way, as you bring together over 250 people to laugh and have fun, and enjoy nature at your wood.

I can't think of a better way to honour your memory.

Darling, amazing Mia. We love you so.

blossommy Mon 15-Sep-14 12:15:41

This thread is so beautiful.

thanks thanks to you on your gorgeous girls birthday.

Saturday sounds wonderful xx

trulymadlydeeply Fri 19-Sep-14 18:52:45

Beautiful words that have brought tears to my eyes, Mia's. Thinking of you all for tomorrow: one small seed has grown and grown: what a tribute to your darling girl.

Much love. Xxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sat 20-Sep-14 00:24:17

Darling, we are all ready. Your wood looks beautiful. Xx

fanjodisfunction Sun 21-Sep-14 11:01:01

they did indeed.

her spirit was every where.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 24-Sep-14 22:59:26

Darling girl, fan summed up MiaFest. Your presence was definitely felt throughout. It was a very special moment time, full of love and laughter, at a very special place.

We are still in awe at the number of people who travelled so far to celebrate with us, to honour you, with their silly costumes and their full participation in every activity offered.

You were there in the face-painting, the leafy garlands, the woodland creature outfits. You were amongst the little children entranced by the storyteller, or running across the grass. You were with us and other bereaved families as we wrote to our children, and placed our private thoughts on the wishing tree. And you were there in the evening sunshine, as the children started an impromptu hay fight.

Your daddy and I have been walking about in a heady daze of euphoria and fatigue over the past few days. MiaFest was everything and more than we hoped. Thank you, sweet girl. xx

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