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It's one year on

(12 Posts)

next week since we lost my lovely BIL to suicide - he was 42.

I am taking the day off work to be with DH, we will go to his grave and then try and do something nice for the day, just the 2 of us.

DH has really struggled this last year and I am just gob smacked by the amount of people who have said that it's almost a year, he should be getting over it by now.

He will never get over it, he is riddled with guilt that his brother chose to end his life, I just hope one day he will learn to live with it.

It's four years since I lost my mum (well almost 4) and I still think of her every single day and at least we know we are expected to lose our parents at some stage.

Pointless ramble really, just amazed how insensitive some people can be.

merlehaggard Thu 17-Apr-14 16:38:59

It's 17 years since i lost my mum (aged 60) and it still doesn't feel like v long ago. However, I can remember getting to the 2 year point (when people say that things should be getting better) and thinking that it really wasn't any better at all. However, by the 5 year mark, it did seem a lot better. As you say, you do know you will lose your parent at some stage and a sibling is different. Also, a year is no time at all and suicide brings up a whole different set of emotions. I found that it took more than a year for my subconscious brain to catch up with what had happened. I'd see a programme advertised and think "mum will like that" and then remember. Your poor DH. I guess that the people who say he should be getting over it are those who have never been through anything similar.

CarmonEileen Sat 19-Apr-14 16:46:17

Thinking of you and your DH betty.

diddlediddledumpling Sat 19-Apr-14 16:54:24

I can't help thinking that people who say he (or indeed you) should be getting over it after a year can't have experienced bereavement in their lives. It's just nonsense.
To me, it seems like your loss is one of the most difficult to accept. A brother that your husband grew up with will always be in his thoughts.
You're right, people can bd very insensitive.
I hope you and dh have a nice day together, and are able to support each other in what's sure to be a difficult day.

t875 Sat 19-Apr-14 20:11:41

Thinking of you Betty its so hard isnt it, its been 2 years for my mum and still can hit me like a brick and miss her painfully.
sending you ((hugs)) xx

Chottie Mon 21-Apr-14 18:48:50

Betty - the insensitivity of some people is unbelievable.

Thinking of you and your DP x.

frostyfingers Tue 22-Apr-14 09:53:46

Until you have been there with a bereavement I think people find it very hard to understand how it affects you and just don't realise how inappropriate comments like "it's a year, you should be getting over it" are. It is ignorance not intention but no less painful for that. My dad died more than 30 years ago, but although I think of him less frequently as the years pass there are occasions such as the anniversary of his death that stop me in my tracks and I retreat into myself rather and become very emotional - I won't go out for the evening and once when a friend asked me out a few years ago was surprised when I said that I didn't want to because it wasn't a day to celebrate. She was very embarrassed and apologetic but just hadn't twigged that it still mattered.

I think what you are planning to do sounds a good way to mark your BIL's passing and hope that you both find some comfort in each other on a terrible day for you all. I can not imagine what it must be like to lose a sibling to suicide.

cariadmawr Tue 22-Apr-14 10:01:16

It's 4.5 years since I lost my wonderful dad and a year tomo my equally amazing father in law passed away . I don't get the it gets easier line either I can see the total devastation in my husband's eyes every time I look at him . All we can do is be there and take all the moods,.snapping and think if we are upset how they feel is 1000 times worse

The firsts of everything ate horrendous.we had first birthday since passing yest and.passing tomo anniversary in a.week

Stalinssister Wed 23-Apr-14 13:37:34

Please don't take any notice of these people Betty. I know that is much easier said than done. People have no right to dictate to others about their feelings - especially regarding bereavement.

Each bereavement is individual. People who have not been in this position want people to "get over it" within a certain time because they find the whole thing threatening, frightening and disturbing and they don't want to have to think about it.

My husband died six years ago. You don't get over it, in my experience, you learn to live with it to a greater or lesser degree and that can change from day to day and week to week. A year is no time at all.

Thank you everyone thanks

The anniversary was yesterday, I took the day off work to be with DH and we went and out some flowers on his grave and then just had a normal but nice day together.

RIP Keith! gone but never ever forgotten......

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 24-Apr-14 15:03:43

death is never easy but suicide brings up so many other emotions esp guilt/what if i could have done more/been more supportive/done something different etc

as time goes on you reliese there is nothing you could have done and please dont you or your dh blame yourself

my dh died just over 3 years ago (16th April 2011) and was suicide

the first year was hard but as time goes on it doesnt get easier but you learn to cope better, mainly as no choice

cruse were fantastic tho the group sobs i went to were rubbish and personally i felt that they didnt want to carry on with life, but hopefully not all are like that

your bil will always be in your mind and hearts and you will always miss him, just as i do my dh

on marks grave i have written

'gone from our lives not from our hearts'

seemed right

i dont know if bil had a dw or dg and how she is doing?

and your day sounded lovely in what you and dh did

if you want to chat further please do feel free to message me smile

Thanks Blondes

Yes, suicide definitely does bring up extra emotions. DH is riddled with guilt as he saw his brother 2 days before he died, knew there was something up but was in a hurry and couldn't really stay for long. He says he wishes he had gone in for a cuppa or something - logically this would have made no difference but in DH's mind it may well have done.

BIL was a lovely guy but very insular and shy. He was the youngest of 4 siblings and never had a relationship and left home. He helped his mum nurse his dad through cancer and then he looked after his mum when she developed alzheimers and cared for her amazingly until she died. They were very shy and I think being constantly in each other company made them both worse - when my DS was little he used to think they were married.

He was so shy to the point that he thought he had something wrong with him but was too embarrassed to go to the doctors - he was convinced he had cancer and this is why he took his life....tragically he just had a fungal infection. Apparently he thought he was ill for 9 years - he never ever told us this, we had no idea. He had no history of MH issues or depression, it was a total total shock!

So sorry for your loss too thanks

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