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I feel like a fraud for grieving for my ex.

(9 Posts)
thornrose Wed 26-Mar-14 22:01:31

My dd lost her dad 4 years ago this month, it was actually on Mothers Day. I keep remembering the moment that I told her that her dad had died, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

My grief has always, quite rightly, taken a back seat to my dd's. I never talk about it in RL and no-one ever asks me anymore.

He was my ex, we weren't together when he died and hadn't been for a long time. I still feel really sad and emotional but I feel like I have no right to be sad but he was only in his 40's and it was very sudden and so unfair for him.

We had a child together and whatever happened between us he was my child's father and I really miss him and I wish he didn't die.

I wish he could've seen his daughter grow up and it feels very stressful being the only parent now. I find myself worrying that if anything happened to me how the hell would my dd cope, it doesn't bear thinking about sad

I just wanted to write it down blush

something2say Wed 26-Mar-14 22:04:24

Aww thorn rose that is sad, I'm so sorry. So he died four years ago Sunday right? How old is your daughter now? And how come you split? For what it's worth I do think you have the right to grieve, definitely. I'd love to hear more about him and everything that happened. X

thornrose Wed 26-Mar-14 22:16:45

Thanks for replying, my daughter is 14, she was 10 when it happened.

He was a good dad and dd loved him so much. I feel sad that no-one in my family ever asks me how I feel about it.

We split for many reasons, but he loved me and he loved dd despite his faults. He literally just dropped dead, no warning. He had an aneurism.

magimedi Wed 26-Mar-14 22:42:08

Thornrose - there is no way at all that you should feel like a fraud.

He had his faults & you split, but there will always be a bit of you that remembers why you loved him at the start & that he was a good Dad. I think it is right & lovely that you mourn him.

Your DD is lucky to have such a sensitive & good mother.


invicta Wed 26-Mar-14 22:47:22

Don't feel guilty at mourning your ex - it's only natural, especially as you are coming up an important anniversary. Maybe as you put your daughter first, you didn't grieve properly. Even though he was an ex, you sounded like you were still friends, so,it's entirely natural that you miss him.

chubbleigh Wed 26-Mar-14 23:58:32

My ex was horrible to me and still is on and off but I would be gutted if anything happened to him for all the reasons you say. You are a kind of widow in that you are the only parent not just a single parent.

thornrose Thu 27-Mar-14 00:11:21

Thanks magi I remember the excitement we had when we were having a baby and the loving times we had when she was a new born, it makes me weep.

Invicta I didn't grieve properly, I never have.

Yes chubb 'a kind of widow' is a very good description. I find it difficult that my mum, my sister and other family and friends don't ever acknowledge my loss. The loss of the father of my child was heart breaking.

lovetheseasons1 Thu 27-Mar-14 00:36:21

You have every right, nay need, to grieve as he was the father of your child and you see the impact of his loss every day on your DD. Xx

My parents had been divorced 10 years (both remarried) when my Dad died and I know that my mum felt there was no room for her grief as he had his second wife. It doesn't negate the previous years he had with my mum though.

I found grief counselling very helpful when I was grieving for an ex partner who died suddenly in a similar situation. And the book the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying which helped me make my peace with him despite a nasty break up.

Good luck x

Mojito100 Thu 27-Mar-14 10:45:17

I think you have shared some lovely memories of him on here and probably have more. Would your DD appreciate hearing about your memories of him and the good times you had together. Maybe a special day that isn't Mother's Day could be called his memory day and that is when you both do something special together and take time to laugh and cry at the memories you have of him.

That doesn't answer your questions or solve how you feel like a fraud but may be special for both you and her and allow her to talk about him with you and not worry you won't want to hear it. It might also help you grieve in some way.

I do think how you have explained things to us is perfect and maybe choosing one of your family or friends that is not too judgemental and a good listener to say this to may help. I would like to think if you share it with a family member they may tell others allowing them time to get their head around it if they were to think it a bit odd or unusual. This then allows you the opportunity a little later in to talk about it with them more or them to just recognise you have been impacted by this loss.

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